An old friend has died, but am unsure of how to respond to his widow....

[Earlybird]

Over the past few days, I have received several emails telling me that an old friend died about a week ago. I have not seen him or his wife for almost 10 years, as we now live in different countries.

His widow gave no details of how he died. She sent details of the memorial service, in which she asked that contributions be made to the Macmillan nurses in lieu of flowers.

I don't know how to respond, other than to say how sorry I am. I am completely stunned at his passing. Would it be hugely insensitive to ask her how he died? He and I corresponded in November and exchanged Christmas cards, but there was no mention of ill health.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend.

I am sure his wife would be grateful to hear from you and I don't think it would be hugely insensitive to ask - as long as you can find the right moment - it sounds like it was quick/unexpected. Are you able to go to the memorial service? Do you have any mutual friends you could ask instead of his wife?

So sorry again.

Thanks to you both for the kind words.

I am unable to attend the memorial service, as I am not in the UK.

On hearing the news, my first thoughts were 'oh no, how awful, it doesn't seem possible, his poor family, i can't believe it'.

My second thoughts were 'Was there an accident? Was he ill, and never told me? What in the world happened?'

I have heard again from his wife, and again it was a very brief note. Still no indication of the cause of death.

I would write a letter to her telling her what he meant to you and maybe a story that you remember about him that she might not necessarily know or a photo that she might not have seen.

Then in a few weeks ring her.