Which is harder - no babies to 1, or 1 to 2....

[Welshmum]

I was just wondering what you found the most difficult - physically and mentally. Going from being without kids to having a baby in your life - or the move from one child to two.

Apart from the normal grumples that come along with being a parent I have found 0-1 and 1-2 relatively 'easy', although I'm not sure if easy is the right word. I was feeling really broody before each of them so I think thats why I found it 'easy', because I wanted another sooooooo badly.

As DS3 is only 6 days old I'll let you all know how I've found going from 2-3 in a few weeks/months/years

TC- it is absolutely bizarre not having to teach everything. Only word to describe it. Bizzare. I still find it odd when ds2 just does things.

but someone should teach me to spell

None to one, for me. Second one was difficult but at least I knew a bit about children!

I am banking of 1 - 2 being easier than 0 - 1 ... I had such a bl**dy awful time with #1 that I would have to be soooooo unlucky to go that same way again.
Also I think when I was pg with DS I wore very rose tinted specs about motherhood and babies ... now I have no romantic illusions!
Bit depressed about Sykes post ... is it true that lots of marriages break up in the first year after the birth of No 2?

Sykes post has me concerned also. I've emailed DH regarding the statistics. Is it true? If so, what can we do to minimize the possibility of that happening??

I didn't find it to hard going from none to one, we just carried on as normal and took this other little person along with us. Obviously going out at the weekends went on the back burner for a while though.

I'm due in May with my second and I'm hoping that it won't be to hard going from 1 - 2. Seeing as our dd will be 6 and a half when it's born I'm hoping that it should be pretty straightforward as she is able to do so much for herself.

I think it might be easier because my dd is older and we have her routine to stick to in regards to school etc and the new baby will just have to slot in with those routines. I'm not sure how well I would have coped with 2 little ones at home all day.

I'm sure just to spite me though this baby will probably prove me wrong, lol I'll let you all know next year.

Both were equally hard imo.

0-1 was difficult as ds1 was a very demanding baby and I was clueless as a mother.

1-2 was difficult too. Ds2 was a relative doddle, and I now had a shrewd idea about how to care for a newborn BUT ds1 was still demanding as a 3 y.o. and I found the juggling their varying needs very hard.

I don't think it's an issue of how many children, but very much dependent on their personalities. I want to try for no.3 - am hoping 2-3 is much easier. But, then again, I've got to convince dh first!

tinyfeet ... scary isn't it? The thing I worry about is that our marriage really suffered after DS (mainly due to my PND ... and resenting DH because his life didn't seem to change whereas mine had). We have worked really hard to stay on an even keel over the last 4 years so I really don't want to go down that road again.
I always felt that I let DH down when I fell apart and couldn't cope ... so I have everything crossed that I will keep it together next time ...

just because 1st baby is easy doesn't mean 2nd will be hard (or vice versa). Ah Khara said, they're all different, but that doesn't mean you can't be lucky twice (or 3 times, fingers crossed) in a row.

As for the doom & gloom statstics on marriage break-up, sounds very much like something from "three socks..." the most soul-destroying book to be avoided by 2nd timers imo. How can you put it down to the strain of a 2nd child? Maybe the marriage would've broken up after x years anyway?
tinyfeet, i guess the best you can do is be open, kind & loving to your spouse (and make sure they are to you too!) There are panty of happily married couples with 1,2,3,4,5 etc kids. Just because some marriages fail, doesn't mean your is in danger of impending collapse.
(btw you and yours in general, not particularly aimed at you, tinyfeet)

I'm genuinely surprised (and impressed) that some people found going from 0-1 easy. How can all the changes and adjustments you have to make be easy. These are the things that I missed and craved for when going from 0-1 (I expect you'll think some of them are trivial):

*No time to cook a decent meal anymore and living on revolting cook chill ready made meals
*Goodbye to long languid lie ins at the weekend
*Sex lifes plumments as constantly knackered (with knock on effect on relationship)
*Long haul holidays ditched as impractical with fractious baby
*Can't read a sunday newspaper in companiable silence with other half over a pot of coffee and piles of toast
*Going out as a couple in the evening for a 'relationship boosting' bonding session over a bottle of wine and a curry involves lots of pre-arrangement and expensive baby sitting (we used to do that at least twice a week, now its like twice a bloody year)
*House in perpetual mess and looking like a fetid swamp
*Can't have a season ticket to go and see my team play anymore (who would look after baby every other Saturday afternoon)
...etc

Of course I love being a mum really, and Lily is very cherished...but quite frankly I found the loss of those freedoms quite hard to deal with initially.

At least with no 2 (currently on the way), I've already made that transition...

I found 0-1 easy, 1-2 was pretty hard as they were close in age, but nothing prepares you for 2-3..lol..well I was warned but thought no I'll be ok the other two are at school during the day! The amount of extra washing, ironing, etc...arrrgghhh but its still well worth it and occasionally I think about going from 3-4...but just for a fleeting moment! x

I wouldn't describe it as easy, more that it was no harder than I anticipated. I'd seen a lot of my friends make the transition and I think that meant I had pretty realistic expectations - also I had some idea of how to mitigate some of the downsides, like make sure I got babysitting sorted out etc. And of course ds being such a longed for baby (3 yrs ttc and IVF) really changed our perspective - to me, the list of freedoms missed really IS trivial compared with the prospect of never becoming parents.

Lilysmum - my point is that with one at least one of you can do something else....you wait till you are both busy and tired!!

Elliott,

I'll try not to be insulted by that remark.

Frankly I shouldn't have been so self deprecating because I don't think it is trivial.

Codswallop,

Fair point, but I have a husband who works long hours I'm afraid - he leaves the house at 07.00 in the morning and finishes work well after Lily's bed time, so even currently, the situation of one parent getting on with something whilst the other parent minds the child doesn't arise very often. So I don't suppose I will miss what doesn't happen now when no 2 arrives!

However it's very possible I shall be eating humble pie when no 2 arrives, and coming back on here and saying 'boy its so difficult with no 2, I never imagined'! (particularily since I am such a maternal lightweight, who is over preoccupied with such silly things as wanting to have a life and maintaining a sense of my own self identity).

Yes I have that too. I have three - 5yrs to 6 months and my dh is either at work 7 - 7pm ot abroad on work - often for 10 days ata atime...

I recommend getting pally with a teenaged neighbour, I have a 14 year old friend who comes around between 4 and 6 about 4 nights a week and is a great help and we have a nice chat too. I keep hwer sweet with top up cards sporadically! Seems to be anew form of currency!

You may well find its a cinch. Depends on sleep!!

ps Lm I think you realsise the treansient nature of babyhood when you a re on number 2 as it all seem to go alot faster, you will be pleased to know!

Oh yes, I agree about the transience. I start work again in 5 weeks and dd2 seems so much more of a baby than dd1 did at the same (or even slightly earlier) stage...

poor you MI

how will i cope? :0

maybe you could start a night job and tske the baby with you !!!

lilsymum
not meant to be insulting at all - I just said that TO ME those things are small beer (and I do think that is a reflection of my experiences) - clearly to you and I'm sure many others, they are not. I accept that, I was just describing my own pov which is different.
Hate making waves so will slink back to lurkdom now...

Elliott,

I'm easily offended these days (pregnancy hormones) - so ignore my OTT paranoid defensiveness. Apols and all that for overreacting.

Must stop logging on to mumsnet every 5 seconds this morning - I'm supposed to be working...I'll be sacked at this rate.

i think as others have mentioned it depends on the children. I found going from 1-2 so difficult because it coincided with ds1's autism diagnosis (and a time in his development when the autism became really really obvious). He also reacted extremely badly to ds2 arriving. I also didn't really give up much to have ds1 - only my job and I replaced it with other things that were good to do.

I still find having 2 children very hard work, but that's becuase although ds1 is 4 he isn't like a 4 year old. he still needs constant supervision, and encouragement etc, and ds2 at 21 months needs the same. It must be like having twins.

So for me its not the having 2 that is so hard, its the having 1 that's autistic that is. And those difficulties outweigh by far and difficulties I had with adjusting to motherhood and having ds1. I did feel like Elliot though. I don;t really remember feeling like I had to give up anything, just that I had gained a lot. That might sound "worthy" and it doesn't mean I loved being woken up at night, just that it didn;t seem like that big a problem compared to what I had got in return- a happy, healthy (at least I thought at the time) baby.

The difficult thing I still find is having to do deal with 2 children at once. As I cannot do aything with them together as a pair. Doesn't mean I would change anything though. I;d still have the second. It just for me is much harder work and much more difficult.

Yeah, I'm with elliot and JimJams - I don't feel I had to give anything up. We don't nip to the cinema like we used to and mid week outings are few and far between these days but that's not really a problem. We have nice meals at the table together when DD is tucked up in bed and we'll get a DVD out or I'll bring a film home from work. We have such a good social life at the weekend that I never feel trapped or bored.
Maybe we were both just really ready to wind our lives down a bit and settled into staying in more during the week because of that. I just really feel that Lottie has slipped into our routine really well during the weekends. We were straight out with her and she sleeps where she's put during the weekends - friends houses etc. I also have a mum who does all the overnight babysitting I need and a dad who'll pop round and babysit at our when required so we are very lucky, plus PIL and Lottie's God-mother are down the road so they do their fair share too. So with that and an easy baby - I would actually use the word easy but I'd also use the word LUCKY!