I don't know where to start, but am very upset!

[Rhubarb]

My mother - again! I have a 30yr old brother who has special needs and he lives at home. Most of you will know the problems I have had with my mother, but in a nutshell she displays many of the symptoms of being both a Sociopath and having Munchausen's by Proxy. Over the last few years I have seen my brother deteriorate, his confidence is low as is his self-esteem. He goes to college on pointless courses just to give him something to do. Jobs never last because she will only let him work locally, if they provide transport and meet a whole load of other criteria and she never encourages him to stick at it. In short, she is failing him in so many ways.

Last year another mother contacted her to see if she was interested in letting my brother house-share with her son. The house was across the road from where my sister lives, he would have care from a team of 4 carers that my mum would employ, and they would try to lead an independant life as possible. Mum agreed, she couldn't really do otherwise, but she let everyone know that she thought it would fail, she wanted it to fail. She has attended meetings about it during the last year, but has left all the decisions to this other family, with the attitude that it wouldn't work. She couldn't tell you what was going on, nor very much about it, so I got the impression that she didn't really care. She chose one of the carers but failed to choose the other 3.

He moved in there 2 weeks ago amid much excitement, now she has taken him out - SHE has taken him out. She says he quarreled with the other guy and she knew all along it wouldn't work. My brother's confidence is going to take a real bashing now. All that hard work by the other family, the money put into it, etc. But she is going round saying to people "well, I tried, now I suppose I'll just have to look after him for the rest of my life" sympathetic eye roll, etc. She cannot let go of him, she needs him, she gets sympathy because of him, she can control him.

He is adopted and I need to know if we, his brothers and sisters, can apply for custody of him? I am so angry, I want to phone her and scream at her but that won't help. I hate her right now! And to top it all off, she has another foster child. She doesn't give a stuff about her own grandchildren, but she'll parade these children around at Church getting admiration and saintly praises. She's such a fucking hypocrite! I love my brother very much and I cannot stand any more of this. What do I do?

Rhubarb, I was happy to help. I know how frustrating your situation is and you're absolutely right, you have act now while you can.

I really do hope things work out for you. You sound like a very thoughtful and selfless sister to have and with a bit of pressure in the right places, your brother will have the life he deserves.

Let me know how things progress.

Wishing you lots of luck with this!

Kleg
x

Rhubarb, incredibly difficult situation. Can you not sit down with your mother and point out that you all think that she is holding your brother back and that she needs to let go for his sake?

I would be very concerned if she does indeed display the signs that you mention and she is being allowed to foster children. Surely foster children need stablility and normality?

I only just saw this Rhubarb, although I'm not in your position. I do have a grandmother who is curretnly running circles around us all. She too seems very saintly and normal and coping so well for her age etc. But has huge problems she simply manages to mask effectively.

I would start getting yourself and especially family members who are in close proximity to her to start recording any events which are unreasonable, mad, unfair, manipulative and start compiling some kind of record. It might not be that the psychologists understand immediately the problem but if you can show your concern is more than just concern it might help sway matters and force them to give you or another family member some power in this situation.

I really hope it gets sorted out soon.

Emma x

Good idea Sharklet, I think I will start a log book of her behaviour, noting down exactly what she says, etc. Will encourage siblings to do same.

I wish we could talk reasonably with her, but we can't. I've lost count of how many conversations we've had with her, tried to point out what she is doing, suggested other ways, tried the kind approach, the subtle approach and the direct approach. You think you've made headway only to hear that she hasn't taken a bit of notice of anything you've said. She is too far gone to notice her own behaviour, and the sad thing is that my eldest sister is going down the same road. She leans emotionally on her children and she has a little boy with DS, I can see a repeat situation in the future and it's all so sad.

I'm exhausted just having this thing going around in my head! One good thing is that my dh, who previously sits in the background to any of my family dealings, has decided that this is not on and has offered me his full support, so I don't feel quite so alone!

so sorry to hear about this, rhubarb, and hope that you manage to sort it out.

I've been following this, rhubarb, and it sounds like this is reaching crisis point.

I so hope other people have picked up on the fact that your mother is not all she seems. I know you say she is expert at masking and manipulating, but looking at messages here, this situation is not so uncommon.

The social workers/shared scheme carers who deal with your mother and brother may have come across this dependency situation before and have their suspicians. When you make contact with them it might be all that's needed to help force some decisions - I do hope so, anyway.

Thank you! x

Thinking of you Rhubarb!

Very situ to be in! Stay strong and positive and do what is best for your brother.

Rhubarb,

What a terribly sad situation. My sister has SN and is cared for at home by my parents. They're in Scotland and the law there is quite simple. Don't know if it's the same in England.

Over the age of 18 and SS can trump any decisions the parents want to make UNLESS the parents are also the Legal Guardians. That's a bit simplistic but just a summary if you like. My parents are in the opposite situation to yours in that they don't trust SS to make the right decisions for my sister so they have applied for and been granted Legal Guardianship so SS can't storm in and do what they like eg ship my sister off to full time residential care a couple of hundred miles away. My parents were only recently made aware of all this and from the other parents they know it does seem to be a little known fact.

So I think SS is your best bet unless your mum is also your brother's legal guardian.

Good luck, must be very difficult.

Just to update. Sister spoke to his SW who didn't seem interested in the slightest. Refused us access to his 'person-centred' plan which is a plan drawn up by SS to provide for his future. So we are taking it further. Very frustrated that SS are proving to be unhelpful, was hoping they would be supportive of us, esp as we may need them to back us up if we do prove that mum is incapable of looking after him.

Really to sorry to hear they are not being supportive. All the more reason to start documenting any incidents you can. It may be that this will help you "prove" there is a problem with your mum.

I was wondering about you today and how things were going. I expect it might take some time to establish the kind of arrangement which will be suitable to you. My mum is still struggling now with my Gran, although obviously its a different situation it is so frustrating and I really feel for you. Keep heart with the fact that you are doing whats best for your brother. Its obvious from what you've said that a bit of freedom and responsibility is just what he needs. Stick to your guns and although it may take a fight I am sure that a fair conclusion can be reached.

Best of Luck!

Emma xx

Rhubarb,this probably won't help much,but we had a similar situation with my gran & my SN Uncle.She did everything she could to make him more dependent on her,took him out of a special school,wouldn't let him take part in anything she didn't approve of & even had him on tranquilisers so he was 'easier' to manage.

She loved having control over him because she knew that she could be as evil as she liked to the rest of us,in the full knoweledge that we'd never abandon her as we were concerned about him.She also revelled in the admiration & sympathy she got from other people,you know all the 'Oh shes such a wonderful mother-devoted to her son.' All that cR*P.She claimed lots of benefits for him,that weren't used for him.

We had to wait until she went a bit doolally before we could apply to the court of protection for 'custody' of him.Now my sister,mum & I are trustees for him,along with a solicitor.He is living in a group home & is very happy.

The carers at his home say that it is a very common situation.A lot of older people like to keep control of adult children with SN,as it gains them kudos in the community & they can also act like a martyr over all they do for their child.

I'm sorry that I don't have any pratical advice for you.Is there a family solicitor/gp you can consult?

I really hope you can get it sorted out-we have been through it & know haw frustrating it is.

Thank you, you've all been very supportive and I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me. It is comforting to know that this is not a one-off case and others out there have battled this thing before and won. It will be struggle and will probably ensue in all of us being cut off from mum, she'll probably get very ill and depressed which will be blamed on us. She's my mum and it's very hard to have to do this, I just wish she could get back to the job of being our mother and not some mental case.

It would be easier if she died, even though that's a horrible thing to say, at least we could remember her as a mum, this way we see her getting worse and worse and more hurtful and that shouldn't really be the way a mum is. I grieve for her and am saddened by the way things have turned out, and my stomach turns when I think of the struggle yet to come.

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