Am I being unreasonable (6)?

[WideWebWitch]

OK, Dp will not be happy if he ever reads this (likely as he'll be a SAHD next year) but wtf. Sorry love, if you're reading this and fuming...

OK, we're poor atm but moving so we can earn a decent living, buy a house etc etc. While we've been in our current house we've been lucky enough to have space for 2 offices, i.e. one each and 2 Pcs, ditto. We're moving to a smaller house for the next 6 months and I've accepted that there's no room for my large desk. I'd also sort of thought that we'd maybe have to manage with one PC for a while since there won't be room to set both up (we're losing at least 3 rooms in terms of space and will be gaining a baby in 8 weeks to boot. Hmm, what makes me think we'll even have time to use 1 PC I wonder?).

Anyway, my monitor blew up this am and so I've got Dps. He's just said he wants to buy another asap, I've said it's not a priority since we won't have room for 2 machines anyway. He disagrees. I know I'm right (sorry, but I am) about the lack of space vs the amount of stuff we have and I'm sure we won't be able to set both up. Anyway, that's not the only point. The point is the money thing. I have always contributed equally to our finances, despite not working (maintenance etc) although I have often forked out for big things, like a sofa, his pc (admitedly bought for me when mine blew up - he then got it when mine was fixed a month later but he didn't have to pay anything towards it, his argument being that he didn't have the money and wouldn't have bought it if it had been him forking out - fair-ish point), our moving costs (£2k+++ this time) etc.

I have been trying to be frugal for the last year since we've been so poor - i.e. I only bought 2 maternity bras, borrowed all maternity clothes, didn't take preg vits after 12 weeks as they're so expensive, that kind of thing. So my view is that if he has ANY 'spare' money he should be putting it towards moving costs, my credit cards (as sofa etc is on there), baby clothes (haven't bought ANY, relying on donations from friends)etc etc etc. His view is that if he sells something (a PS2 game for example) he ought to be able to buy a monitor with the proceeds. I think not. Money is the only thing we ever argue about since I have credit cards and he doesn't and so I've OFTEN ended up buying a joint large item on my card which I then end up paying off all on my own. If anything my income is slightly lower than his although this will change next year when I work and he's a SAHD. I do know we have to sort this out by then...

Anyway, please, Court of Mumsnet, Am I Being Unreasonable?

And just read this back and realised that I'm really quite cross about this as demonstrated by my unusually liberal use of capitals.

It seems to me that you are in the right here.

Do you mean that just at the moment you sometimes both need to use the PC at the same time? Is that the only reason he wants to get another? (You do mean just replace the monitor, not get a whole new PC?) For the sake of a few days till you move it's just not worth it, is it?

Even after you move, as you said you'll have a lot less spare time to begin with once the baby arrives, so surely he can work out a rota with you until then? Definitely better things to spend the money on!

HTH!

Maybe he's "making the most of his money" before he has less of it next year? He's certainly going to have to get over this when you're the main breadwinner or he'll start resenting the fact that he's not free to spend money as he sees fit. Perhaps he realises this and is just having a last selfish splurge.

Have you told him exactly what sacrifices you've made so far and why you're so worried about the situation? Sometimes, IME, men need to have things spelt out to them to show that there is actually and very good reason why you feel worried/angry about a situation and it's not just becuse you enjoy making their lives a misery. I often find that if dh can physically see how upset I ma about something, it sinks in more. They're not very good at intuition (like, HELLO!)

WWW, I'm with you on this one. Sorting the money out fairly for one household between two incomes of whatever sort is a neccessary evil, its horrible to sit down and do but will cause all sorts of arguements in the end.

We don't have a great system either for joint bills, in fact I'd love to hear from people who have a successful one - do they do seperate or joint a/c etc, and how to you account for spending money... we sat down to do all this about a year ago and came to blows because DP suggested the tampax came from my spending money... He really shouldn't have gone there!

I think that he should hold off buying the monitor until you've moved (when there won't be any room for it and he will be able to SEE that there isn't enough room). By then he should also have worked out that there are other, more important, things to spend the money on. Can you come up with a good excuse to delay the purchase til you've moved & set up 1 PC only and he can then come to the conclusion "all by himself" that a new one is unecessary?

Moomin, you are SO right! "men need to have things spelt out to them to show that there is actually and very good reason why you feel worried/angry about a situation and it's not just becuse you enjoy making their lives a misery" - I am having this right now with DS1 and he's only 15!

Great idea SD - after all, why risk breaking it in the move

I always find money conversations interesting as we only have one pot, dh puts amost all the money in and I spend it . I have the hard job though (and after a day with ds1 he agrees). I do work for 2 and a half hours a week which dh insists on calling my hobby job, and the benefts we get becuase of ds1 are in my name. I just never understand how people keep track of seperate pots deciding who pays for what. (Not meant as a criticism btw- I do just ifnd it interesting)

However we do have money arguments. A reoccuring one is the second car- it would be handy for dh but there is perfectly good public transport to him work- and you can see his office from the back of our house. We do not need a second car. In my mind www your argument sounds the same. It would be nice to have a monitor but you don't need it. Whenever the car argument comes up I go through all the reasons we don't need it and dh tends to agree then keep quiet about it for a few weeks. You are definitely in the right about this.

Me and Dh both have 2 accounts. My wages go into one of mine and all bills come out of that one. We also use this one for childcare, household shopping, food (and TAMPAX!). Dh's wages go into his main account then he transfers a large chunk of it across to our household account every month. We also each have a "pocket money" account each which we use for clothes, going out, etc. Dh also manages a savings account for us both which is on joint names. It works for us, just about, because although I'm a terrible spendthift and love shopping, I'm also a control freak and couldn't bear it if dh had control of the main pursestrings!

Erm - yes you are right, but why do you have dp's monitor? If you've just taken his and said my PC usage is more important than yours so you can't have a PC (or intimated that) then I can see why he is maybe getting a bit uppity.

But on the basic principle - no you are not unreasonable. You are just facing that awful point where you have to decide whether you really do have "his" and "mine". Or just "ours" and I'm afraid he sounds like he's not ready to do "ours" yet.

Regarding a "system". DH and I both work, and both contribute to a joint account (proportionately in line with income) Out of this comes all household bills on Direct debit, and payments to Tesco Clubcard and Waitrose card, which are used for supermarket shopping.
Anything left in sole accounts is for our own use. It works because we don't have a shortage of money atm, but also because we have similar ideas on what constitutes a reasonable amount to spend on oneself - which is the real key

WWW - I too agree with you on this. God men acn be sooo frustrating at times. Can he give you 1 good reason for replacing the monitor right now? I guess not. But he has it in his head that this is what he wants to do, and I'm guessing you'll have your work cut out persuading him otherwise.

You have a new baby arriving in 8 weeks
New baby need clothes etc
You are moving to smaller house
Removal costs are vv expensive
You are tightening your purse strings

AND HE WANTS TO SPEND A COUPLE OF HUNDRED QUID ON A NEW MONITOR!

The court of Mumsnet sentences Mr WickedWaterWitch to 6 months community service, during which he must treat you like a princess, do all household chores and buy choccies/flowers/treats on a regular basis.

He does not have the righty to appeal.

Like JimJams we only have 'one pot', and one bills and stuff are paid we spend what is left how we see fit. We have a savings account but in joint names. We never have rows about who pays for what etc. I'd hate it if we did.

Message withdrawn

What about sharing?
I thought that was what a relationship is all about. No offence WWW but it seems that your dh is take, take ,take while you are worried sick and scrimping and scraping.
Like moomin says some men need a wake up call and I think this is the right time for him to get it.
I dont think you are being unreasonable at all, IMO you are the star here.

If he desperately needs a monitor get him to ask one of his friends to donate one like you have to with baby clothes.
Dont want to sound harsh but sometimes men take the piss.

Message withdrawn

dadslib I don't like Joint Accounts, too much room for arguments.

DH and I have a joint account to pay our mortgage, nanny etc out of and everything else we keep separate. We are after all two people!

WWW can he not get a second hand one for peanuts? People are always posting on here about having old things computers hanging around. Or ebay.

Like others here I (unsmugly) have to admit it interesting when I hear how a couple manage their income/finances seperately. As others have said it does help if there are no money worries but personally I would be appalled if my dh had more than me at any stage, our finances are so translucent that I know what he spends on presents.
But to get back to your dilemma www, I do believe you are in the right on this, and points such as it may get damaged whilst moving are good negotiation points.
Men definitely need things spelled out clearly to them regarding money, my dh is a prime example of when he knows it may be a more flush week to others telling me he needs a new tyre (£190) on his car...I don't think so. I often find doing a financial projection for a 3 month period helps. Look how broke we're going to be in 6wks darling, then you'll know I'm right
Good luck

Yes!

I hate this kind of argument. And I know exactly how you feel - I am also the only one with credit cards and that means that I have to take ultimate financial responsibility.

However I'm going to split from everyone else and suggest a compromise. Some men just can't get this kind of thing into their heads and I'm not sure that trying to beat it into him is the best thing for you in your current condition. Can you not insist that he sells a few more playstation games and buys a second hand monitor? I know you won't need it soon, but it will make both your lives more comfortable until you move and it will come in handy in the future.

But that's only a suggestion. My verdict is NOT UNREASONABLE.

I have to admit to admiring any couple who have separate finances,how do you cope with joint expenses etc,holidays and the like.DH's income is paid into our joint account and a round sum amount is pid into a housekeeping account and another round sum into our savings account to pay the mortgage and other large expenses.Admitedly at the moment I am the only signatory on the housekeeping account because we haven't updated it after moving banks.We do have our own credit cards but that is historical and because he uses his for business a lot and the statements have to be submitted at work,I tend to use this for presents.
When we were both working all our income started off in one account,what's his is mine and vice versa.I have to admit that since I stopped working I am more aware that like jimjams "he earns it and I spend it "but that's just the way it is. I do feel guilty if things get very tight because I feel that it's my responsibility to make sure I don't spend too much and also as he never buys anything really ,if he does want something I rarely begrudge it as he works such long hours to give us a good life that I feel he deserves it.
We opened a joint account 14 years ago just before we got married and I don't remember a single argument about money,it's just "our" money,we do argue about the fact that I am not organised about paying bills!(typical accountant!)

Sorry forgot to say on the original question I think you are absolutely right but do agree that Men sometimes need things spelt out to them in very clear terms!.