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Original poster

Planning another baby, do you go with your heart or your head?

26 replies

oldiebutgoodie · 02/11/2005 12:57

Especially when your heart says "yes" and your head says "are you bloody mental??"

The position is this. I'm 42, so can't really leave this decision much longer, have a dd of almost 17 and ds of 8 and 12. I am with my second husband who is the worlds best step dad and when we have discussed having a baby he would love one but would never put any pressure on me to have one as we are very settled and happy with what we have.

We live in a four bedroomed house, dd has a large bedroom and the ds's each have a small one, so if we had a baby, we would have to extend and really don't have the money to do this. If we asked dd to move out of her large room and give up her double bed and lots of space she would be a very unhappy girl and I know that we would never hear the last of it. This would also mean that the boys would have to share which we have tried in the past and really doesn't work. And to be honest I don't think that it would be fair on them either.

Financially we are just begining to feel comfortable after a few years of really struggling - by comfortable I mean holidays in a caravan rather than a tent, and maybe one or two nights out a month, so we are by no means well off!

Then there's the subject of my age and how would the other children adapt to a sibling with such a large age gap? I run things thru my head and imagine when we tell people everyon'es first question being "how old is she?" rather than being pleased for us.

Have changed my name as dh lurks (and occasionally posts) and although we have discussed this in the past I think he presumes that it is all decided and I don't want to raise his hopes. Not really bothered if anyone guesses who I am.

Have read that back and it all sounds so negative, but it really is a case of my heart saying yes and then common sense kicking in! I am very broody

OP posts:
Angeliz · 02/11/2005 13:00

I think all the practical things are very solvable.
If you heart really wants another and dp sounds like it too, i'd definately go for it+

auntymandy · 02/11/2005 13:02

Only you can decide!
I had 3 with my first husband then went on to have 2 with my second. Age gap between 3 and 4 is 8 years and they all get on well..thats all the help I can give I think!

cupcakes · 02/11/2005 13:02

I go with the heart.
Just as an aside I was wondering what plans your dd has for the next few years. If she goes to college at 18 you may have a lovely big bedroom free for at least half the year.

Original poster
oldiebutgoodie · 02/11/2005 13:04

dd isn't going to college - she is doing a two year course at the moment and then will be job hunting

OP posts:
handlemecarefully · 02/11/2005 13:05

heart, heart, heart

Go on, get up the duff now!!!

handlemecarefully · 02/11/2005 13:05

Do it!!!!!!!!

Toothache · 02/11/2005 13:06

Heart wins everytime with me!!! I was brought up in a 4 bedroomed house. There were 4 us. When I left home at 18 my sister was 19 and 2 brotheres were 7 and 4!

Go for it.

cupcakes · 02/11/2005 13:07

Can your sons share a room?

auntymandy · 02/11/2005 13:08

we only have 4 bedrooms
Ds1 has big room on his own
dd has small room to herself and ds4 is in with us but will go in with ds2 and 3 soon. Its the boys dorm! Bunk beds and a single.

lilibet · 02/11/2005 13:19

The boys rooms are quite small and they had to share a room recently when we were in temporarty accomodation and they hated it. I also think that it may forster feelings of resentment towards the baby if one of them looses their 'space'

motherinferior · 02/11/2005 13:24

Well, I personally am chucking out the baby clothes and toys at 42 - although secretly I'd love another - but please do it.

Gobblediguy · 02/11/2005 13:24

Heart.

If I'd really thought I'd about it, I'd have realised 3 would be extra hard work and much more expense than 2, but when it came down to it, I wanted 3 and my family didn't feel complete with 2. So basically I didn't think about it that hard, I just followed my heart!

lilibet · 02/11/2005 13:30

Gave myself away again!!

I'm no good at this name changing lark

aloha · 02/11/2005 13:34

How about leaving it to fate? ie no special 'trying' just not using contraception? I'm also 42 (though even as I type it, I don't believe it!) and won't be having any more, but then my dd is not yet nine months old.

weesaidie · 02/11/2005 13:37

Heart I would say. I shared a room at various times in my life and I just got on with it. When my parents separated at my mums we only had two bedrooms, so there were two kids in each and my mum had a sofabed!

Not something I reccommend but really not a big deal. Also in a few years your eldest will probably move out.

Gobblediguy · 02/11/2005 13:37

lilibet - it's you!! Wow! LOL at you giving yourself away!!

Just don't get pg before Dec 3rd! We don't want you stone cold sober

motherpeculiar · 02/11/2005 14:13

I think you really want to do it and I think you should.

My Mil got pg by accident at 42/43 (which was well old back then!) DH was graduating from Uni that year and the youngest was already about 14. MiL had a DD and that girl is the absolute joy of the family (once the initial shock wore off). All the bigger ones (5 older than her) were like surrogate parents and used to row over who would feed her etc. I don't think she ever got to sleep on her own until they had all moved out as one or other always demanded they be allowed to have her in their room. She is now a beautiful, hilarious, clever young woman in her first year at uni and the large gap has, if anything, made her more self-confident and able to deal with people. The rest of them still dote on her (drives her crazy sometimes but she puts up with it with fairly good grace most of the time)

DO IT!

Original poster
oldiebutgoodie · 02/11/2005 16:07

I do want to do it but just have no idea how we will afford it and where we will put it!

And am very uncertain about the reaction of people in RL - know you lot on here would be wonderful

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/11/2005 16:08

Everytime I've 'gone w/my heart' in life, it's always ended up an enormouse balls up. So I no longer do that and have been much happier ever since.

Just my 2p and obviously not the same for everyone.

Jackstini · 02/11/2005 16:12

Heart!
How big is your room? Could new baby stay in there, at least for first few months?

fennel · 02/11/2005 16:15

Everyone's reaction will be to assume it was an accident. you'll probably get lots of sympathy. (i did with my 3rd, who was planned, noone could believe we'd choose to have 3)

friends who were 4th and 5th children have tales of sleeping on landings and in dining rooms as babies. or it could share your room until your oldest has left home.

cupcakes · 02/11/2005 16:22

It would be lovely to go with your heart but there'll have to be some compromise somewhere - 2 of your children will eventually have to share. If that's absolutely impossible then that might unfortunately be the thing that stops you.
Personally, I would have the baby and make them share (it's what I'm intending to do). But then my children are younger and perhaps that makes them more adaptable.

Original poster
oldiebutgoodie · 02/11/2005 16:24

17 year old girls and 13 year old boys aren't that adaptable !

and as i said I don't wnat them to resent the baby as it has taken their 'space'

OP posts:
littlemisspiggy · 02/11/2005 16:25

Heart! Heart! Heart!

Miaou · 02/11/2005 16:26

obg, I would love another and so would dh - again, very much a heart no head decision (not enouh money or room). Did you see my thread recently "I need to talk about having a fourth child"? There were lots of positive comments on there.

Re. the attitude towards you being older - do you think these comments will upset you? Are you strong enough to ignore them? That's what it wil come down to IMHO.