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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable (a stunningly original idea for a thread. Not.)

27 replies

edam · 31/10/2005 17:33

Am still fed up with dh nearly 24 hours after this happened so wanted MN thoughts on whether I am being a grumpy old mare or he is being a selfish git. Or both, possibly...

We went to a theme park yesterday with ds (2) and his cousins aged 8 and 10 plus BIL and SIL. The trip was dh's idea and he planned it (I was delighted by this, btw). Dh insisted we stay for the firework display at 6.30 which I was happy to do, assuming vaguely we would shove off or hide in a cafe if ds was scared.

It didn't start until 7 and poor ds was absolutely terrified. No cafes open, park completely dark all the better to see fireworks with. I took ds away from the main area to get further away from the display and have somewhere to sit and cuddle him (although it was impossible to get far enough away or back to the car because we discovered they had closed the exit road). Instead of showing concern for ds, dh just stayed where he was, enjoying himself. Watched the whole show without once checking ds and I were OK (we weren't). SIL kindly came back with us, missing most of the show herself, but ensuring we didn't lose touch with the rest of the party.

Tried to tell dh how cross I was but in a reasonable, polite but firm manner, but he really didn't get it. First time I brought it up (in the car park on the way out) he said 'Oh, I couldn't think clearly enough to make plans (WTF?)'. After brooding for a bit I was still teed off when we got home so mentioned it again (I know... but I was really pissed off) and this time he claimed 'I thought it was better if I stayed put as I knew SIL had a mobile and I had my mobile so we could keep track of you.' Which kind of means he made a plan, doesn't it?

Still fuming today. Really should get over this, but can't let go of anger at the way he callously ignored ds's distress and couldn't even be bothered to miss one second of the display to check up on us.

Should I just write it off as a very annoying experience but hey, have bickered, time to move on? Or should I give him a good going over for being a selfish pig?

OP posts:
HRHQoQ · 31/10/2005 17:34

Move on - lifes too short to get too het up. DH would probably have done similar when DS1 was that age - although now we've got DS2 he's probably "evolved" somewhat.

startingtobehalloweenylover · 31/10/2005 17:41

no i would be seriously pissed off too! And I also have a dp who "can't think clearly enough to make plans" and that is what really annoys me the most... everyone else makes plans... it doesn't take that much thought to realise your wife and son may be upset does it?

I think you probably do need to clear the air and just talk it over with him and make him see exactly why you were/are annoyed with him... THEN move on!

doormat · 31/10/2005 17:44

edam boys with their toys, they are like big kids
I would move on but tell him that sort of selfishness is unacceptable and wo behold him if it happens again

Miaou · 31/10/2005 17:47

Hmm - I think his reasons are pretty shaky but I have to say that if one of my kids was that upset at that age it wouldn't cross my mind to expect dh to help out as well (or vice versa if dh was consoling an upset child).

Miaou · 31/10/2005 17:49

But then I'm not you and I wasn't there - and if you had expected help from him I can understand how you were upset by his attitude.

foundintranslation · 31/10/2005 18:53

edam your poor ds tbh I would be fuming too.
Why did he let your sil go and miss the display? It's his wife and son!

moondog · 31/10/2005 18:54

Move on

TinyGang · 31/10/2005 19:02

Agree with moondog. Sounds like he got it wrong -hopefully do better next time.

HRHWickedwaterwitch · 31/10/2005 19:05

Move on I reckon. OK, it wasn't good and my dp would have had a lot of wingeing from me too (in fact no, we'd have left I think) but it wasn't that terrible in the scheme of things. He thought you were handling it, I think he was probably being thoughtless rather than deliberately unkind.

HRHWickedwaterwitch · 31/10/2005 19:07

But I wonder if you're cross because of the wider implications, i.e. it's always down to you or something? This might not be the case but I know I'm capable of getting cross about the small thing (oh, so you didn't bring any nappies?) because it's indicative of a larger thing (so it's always down to ME then, is it, to remember stuff like this?)Although my example doesn't happen since dp is alone with 2 children all week atm and so I am the one unlikely to remember to bring nappies etc tbh. But you get my drift I should think

pfer · 31/10/2005 19:20

Edam, I'd have been seriously hacked off as well, and like you I'd have carried on being pissed off for ages (months have been known). You are right, if it bothers you that much then you are right to still be angry about it, talk to him, shout at him, clear the air, but make him understand why you feel like you do (a difficult task in itself as they don't always get it do they?).

compo · 31/10/2005 19:23

I don't think there is much cause to be annoyed really. presumably you told him ds was frightened and where you were going to take him. No point in both of you missing out on the firewarks and perhaps he was being the jolly uncle too for ds' cousins

frannykenstein · 31/10/2005 19:38

If it were me, I would write a letter, being as reasonable as I could manage, saying something like "I know I might be being silly but I'm still really upset about x. Can we talk it over and try to put it right?"

I can completely understand why you're mad about it. However I can also imagine that most men would be thinking "What? What have I done now?"

pfer · 31/10/2005 20:11

I'm with frannykenstein here. The letter idea is a good one def. Also he may not get what you're mad at, they are a bit like that aren't they?

Original poster
edam · 31/10/2005 21:03

Thanks for the replies - just got back here after hellish journey home from work/dealing with trick or treaters/putting ds to bed. Dh has gone to bed too so no chance to talk about this tonight.

He knew fine well that ds was frightened and upset - ds was actually on his shoulders when this happened. I was looking at ds so saw his face crumple. Picked him up and ds hid in my arms. I said something like 'we've got to take him away from this' because poor little ds was cowering. Dh just stood there. And carried on standing there watching the display without coming to check on us - if SIL hadn't come back with me, and then gone back to make sure everyone knew where we were, God alone knows how dh would have found us in the crowd (and he had the car keys). SIL, bless her, then came back to be with us.

That's what upsets me - that he was so selfish he put his interest in some sodding fireworks ahead of his frightened, trembling little boy and didn't come with us or even come and check how we were. The thing is, he had a serious episode of depression four or five years ago and changed from being a remarkably unselfish person into a selfish one. Recovered from depression but has never been the way he was before. So any displays of selfishness really get to me, to an extreme degree when they involve ds.

OP posts:
pfer · 31/10/2005 21:05

Men can be selfish can't they? Not all men obviously, just the ones that I've met throughout my life. I'm with you big time on this one as I can really see where you're coming from..

Original poster
edam · 31/10/2005 21:08

Thanks Pfer (and everyone who posted). Just feel very sad and angry that he let ds down because he was more interested in the fireworks than his son.

OP posts:
pfer · 31/10/2005 21:10

Edam, take a deep breath, calm down, a remember that he's just a man....

Twiglett · 31/10/2005 21:10

no you're not unreasonable .. he was an immature arse and should be made to suffer

pfer · 31/10/2005 21:11

Twiglett

GhoulsToo · 31/10/2005 21:17

I'd be fuming too - it's always mum who has to calm the little ones and miss everything that's going on, whilst the dad just carries on and has a great time!

having said that - there's no point dragging it on - what's done is done, just make sure he knows you're most displeased and don't let him get away with it again (I'm surprised at you edam! lol!)

Original poster
edam · 31/10/2005 21:22

Think I may have to just bear a grudge for ever (you know, one of the ones you cast up during every row you have for the next decade) as he's going into work tomorrow for the first time since being told he is being made redundant. Has got his laughably-entitled consultation meeting in the morning. The one they are legally obliged to have in order to pretend they've tried to find an alternative to redundancy.

So will console myself with sounding off here, and to my mother. Thanks for listening to me moan.

Ds was talking about fireworks tonight, saying they were noisy but exciting, so I guess he hasn't been scarred for life, anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
edam · 31/10/2005 21:25

Oh, and he managed to leave the buggy behind. While I was loading ds and the change bag and coats and all the other assorted trappings into the car. He 'forgot' to fold the buggy up and put it into the boot. Went back today but place has closed for winter and no-one there. So had to shell out for a new buggy on top of something like £150 for the day (tickets plus food). Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

OP posts:
moondog · 31/10/2005 21:26

The buggy thing would have pissed me off more tbh.

Original poster
edam · 31/10/2005 21:35

Yeah, but it was a genuine, if stupid, mistake, that he's tried to put right (luckily was off work today) whereas the neglect of ds was deliberately selfish IYSWIM.

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