Slightly concerned about my DH.................

[HRHQoQ]

Obviously this money thing has been getting him (and me) down. But today he turned round and said

"This has been the worst year of my life. I'm thinking of jacking it all in"

When I asked what he said, the house, the business, the car (which would involve him having to find a new job - and me probably not being able to do my new one). I pointed out that we'd probably end up in a really bad part of town (worse than the part we left last year), miles from my church job, DS1's school, a long distance from the nursery DS2 will (hopefully) be going to in 2yrs time. And didn't really seem to care (he was desperate to move last year - in fact he talked me into moving when we did as he was so unhappy in that part of town). He says he's fed up of having to make phone calls and sort things on a "day to day" basis just so we can survive.

It can't be denied that things are still looking pretty bleak round here atm. And usually he's the one that's really postive, with a good 'outlook' on life, and really able to see a tiny glimmer of light at the end of some very long tunnels. But he just doesn't seem to see it this time.

We've had some pretty "rough" times since we've known each other, and when I first met him he was just coming out of a dreadful time (his mum had died 6 months earlier, and he'd lost his job - and there's no benefits in Zim). But he's never said anything like that before.

He's gone out now, off to (hopefully) sort out a slightly cheaper car, and then to work. I just feel completely helpless though

Im assuming most of the stress is about money, can you take over some of the ringing around for him?
Hopefully sorting out a cheaper car will make him feel a bit more in control if only for a wee while.
Poor you

Most of the places won't talk to me - as 99.99% of the things are in his name only. I did try rining a few - but they refused to talk to me (despite me knowing all his 'security' details).

I'm just so shocked he could say something like that, he's worked bl**dy hard for the 6yrs we've been married, to get us from living in a little cottage in Zim (with a very leaky roof LOL), to my parents in the UK, then to a rented place, and then we bought a house, and then most recently bought this one in an ideal location for us. It just seems almost unconcievable that he's got to the stage where he just wants to give up on it all

Grim What did he say when you pointed out how far you had got?

I didn't have a change to point that out to him - he was already running slightly late for his appointment at the car place.

The thing is if he does decide to sell the house, I'm powerless to do anything - as the mortgage is in his name only.. He was talking about getting a 2 bedroom flat (we're currently in a 3 bedroom house). And the flats in the area of town we'd end up in are crawling with druggies - they recently had a big police operation in that part of town and arrested 75 people - most of who weren't charged - and are now back in their homes..

Oh gawd....do you think he will follow through or is just bouncing the suggestion off the walls.
How much would moving to really hellish flats take the pressure off?
Remind him of why you moved in the first place.

I don't know - there's no telling with him - sometimes he just bounces things off walls, sometimes he's serious.

It would certainly reduce of mortgage costs. But on the other hand - (assuming he still kept the car and his current job) - I'd need to get a taxi to get to and from work, I'd have to take the bus to take DS1 to school (£2.50 there and back a day), probably get a taxi to church (no buses on Sundays). I'd have to start getting taxi/bus to do the shopping (atm morrisons is a 10 minute walk away - so I do it in about 2/3 trips spread over two days - so we don't have to use petrol or taxi). Insurance premiums would probably go through the roof with a postcode over there.

God I can hardly concentrate today - need to go and feed the boys...

I am so sorry, hun you are so stressed with this have you just tried talking to him? We are in a similar situation at the moment! We bought a new car but cannot afford it, my credit card and bank account details got out on ebay, so we are total of $21,000 in a year! afd theres nothing to show for it, we get help with maddysons food and dont have any luxurys anymore, the only reason we still have a house is because we are in the military! I just think to my self ive been in worse situations and places, but theres other people out there who are homeless and have nothing, so i normally just stop thinking about how bad things are for me! Have you thought about maybe moving out of the area you live in maybe? moving to another county thats cheaper and friendly and nice? i know moving is hard, im so use to it now as we relocate all the time! but after the forst move it wasnt to bad! We had a car we were giving away for free, if i wouldnt have already i would have given it to you, seeing as the person who i did, just ripped all the bits out of it and threw it away, how ungrateful and she was my best friend!

How old are your children? boys or girls?

Maddysonsmomm - moving out of the area would entail having to get DS1 into a new school (he's just started in reception in a excellent school), DH finding a new job, me finding a new job, me having give up the Director of Music post at our church, the extra cost of moving out of the county. Then we'll have to find a decent nursery for DS2 to start in September 2007 (he's down for one of the top nurseries in the county - and is 99.99% guaranteed a place because DS1 went there, and we live in the catchment - oh and the head comes to our church too......)

I'm sure things will start to improve for us once I start my job, but until then we're already 1 month behind with all our bills, and they're not going to get paid at the end of this month either.

write down all the positive things about your current situation, and all the negative ones. Then write down what you have come from. And then what you think might happen if he does what he was specualting about.

Write down where you would like to be in say 5 years time, or at least where you don't want to be.

Then sit down with him and go through it all - ask him to add things - maybe you will then see things from each others point of view. Then try and work out between you what is achievable, what is worth trying for and what is pie in the sky. And also what is the bottom line.

I know from your posts that things have been tough,but as you say,moving from a rented place in Zimbabwe to your own home here in a few years is a big thing.
(Not to mention all the extra costs that moving and relocating entail.)

Bit confused about your job.I know you are Director of Music in your church but is this voluntary? Are you moving into a new (paid) job which willtake the pressure of him a little?

Oh your poor dh QofQ - he sounds stressed out. IME money worries lose their potency when you know where all the money is going. That means you have to have figures for every little thing in front of you so that you can see it all. Once you do this it is easy to see where economies can be made.

Your dh needs some time off every week. I was self-employed for years and I can tell you for sure that you get more done in 5 or 6 days than you do in 7 because you are rested and recharged. He needs to make a plan where he gets proper time off every week. Rules that suit him. When I was full-time SE I used to always leave Friday, Saturday and Sunday free in my diary. Friday was used for any last-minute things cropping up during the week that demanded my attention. I tried always to kill two birds with one stone if I had a journey to make or tools to get out, etc. I tried to be organised and be one step ahead of potential problems. If I appeared to be in a tight spot financially a quick cash-flow forecast would usually reassure me. I used a large page-a-day diary to list jobs in order of priority and tick them off when done (highly morale-boosting). As has been said, comparing your position with 6 months and a year ago can be very encouraging. And when I went out in the evenings I did not take a mobile phone with me. That was me time and I was not contactable. My babysitter knew where I was and that was it.

I don't know what business your dh is in but I hope there is something helpful in what I've said. It's very stressful feeling that the whole thing will grind to a halt if you're ill or take a day off. But it's rarely an unavoidable thing.

Big sympathies, QoQ. I don't know all your ins and outs...I sippose it's fair enough that occasionally he has a little leeway to let off desparate steam and have a low moment - I do hope he rallies to his usual fortutude.

I agree it would be a blow to retreat to a 2 bed flat. Apols if this has been thought about and is not possible, but would it be possible to rent out your 3rd bedroom? Not sure who to, a teacher on placement? Visiting clerics? Travelling salesmen who don't bring loads of posessions?

OR foster a child? The same age as DS1 so that the childcare / school regime would be the same?

That probably sounds awful - wouldn't suggest it unless I thought you would be a good foster mum regardless of your financial state!

moondog - I get paid £100 a month for my Director of Music job - which I'll still be doing once I start my "proper" paid job (hopefully middle of November). It will take the pressure off him a bit - but it'll still be stretch until we've caught up with payments.

Blu - the 3rd bedroom is really small - and also serves as the 'home office' for his TV License job (all the paperwork for visits and his time sheet) - not really big enough to rent out - and I think he'd probably bolt out the door at the idea of fostering a child (although I'd love to do that).