Feeling very tearful

[kando]

I've no idea how this is going to sound or come out when written down, but I've got to get it off my chest! Basically, my sister and her husband are in the process of splitting up (amicably at the moment, still living in same house and talking etc) They came out to visit us over the weekend (we live in Holland) and we had a great time. I have 2 dds (nearly 5 and nearly 3) who absolutely adore their uncle, and dh and I get on with him like a house on fire. I got the feeling when saying goodbye on Sunday night that we might not see him again - he kept saying how much he loved the girls and us etc. I told him that he'd always be welcome in our house - it's my sister's feelings which have changed, not ours. Also that the girls adored him and he'd always be their uncle. He replied that there would be another uncle, but I said "not another uncle X". Felt very tearful then, and saying goodbye, and I knew he was trying to hold back tears too. (The dds don't know anything about dsis and dbil splitting up.) I've just gone into the room where dbil slept and found a letter for dh and myself, a card for the dds, which is the most lovely and most heartbreaking thing I've ever read. Inside the card was something he said was "precious" to him, like his 2 girls were and he wanted them to have it - it was his wedding ring, which comes in two bits. I don't think my sister knows he's done this as she was on at him to get the girls something as a keepsake. My dh had a chat with him over the weekend and from the sounds of it he said he probably wouldn't keep in touch, which I can understand because he still adores my sister. My heart is breaking aout this - I can hardly see the tears are pouring down my face, I just don't know what to do or say. It feels so final. I can't bear the thought of them never seeing their uncle again, or him never seeing them again, especially as he cares so deeply for them. I'm also feeling a bit angry with my sister now for "taking" dbil away from my dds, although I know this is unfair as it's been a hard thing for her to do.

I've no idea if or when we are going to tell dds - not sure if they would understand anyway. But my heart breaks for them ... I can't get over that he's given them his wedding ring.

Thanks for listening, I feel a bit calmer now.

my situation in similar to yours except that the split was between my mum and her partner of seven years. I have two sons aged 3 and 1 so he was there grampy and the only one they ever knew, i couldnt and didnt want to take that away from them. my mother isnt well known for her soft side and was quite nonchalant about them breaking up. it took me to ask her where he was for her to drop in a matter of factly way that they seperated. For the past six weeks (and ashamedly behind my mothers back) i have been allowing him to come and see the children She hasnt really wanted anything to do with anyone since she split and when i asked her why she said that now she has a taste of being on her own she much prefers her own company and that includes the company of her children and grandchildren! so although things are pretty raw right now maybe you could come to a compromise with your sister and maybe explain how you feel. i understand that isnt going to be easy but i beleive its worth it. good luck with whatever you decide to do ((((hugs)))) xx

Dear Kando, breakups are terrible, so sorry read of your familys sadness.
Nothing more to add - I just wanted you to know that someone had seen your post.
Love B XX

Thanks. Carly - I don't think you should feel guilty about letting your children see their grampy - as you say, he's the only one they've known, they don't understand what's going on and it's not fair for them to be stuck in the middle. When my sister first told me they were thinking of splitting up, I said right from the start that I wasn't going to cut dbil out - he was my girls' uncle and always would be and I want them to carry on seeing each other. She agreed wholeheartedly with this and said she'd never stand in the way - it's only her feelings towards her dh that have changed, and no-one else should suffer because of it. It all just feels so muddled up just now. I don't know if it would be a good thing to tell dds - I'm not sure they are old enough to understand what's going on either (dd2 certainly isn't). Just the thought of it breaks my heart.

like i said kando my ds are 3 and 1 so they wouldnt understand even if i told them. Is there anyway they would get back together? please tell me to mind my own if you want it is an incredibly hard situation to be in. Does your bil not want contact because its just too hard at the mo? because if thats the case things will change

Carly - no, I don't think there's any chance they'll get back together. Apparently dsis has been thinking about doing this for a long time, but only told me about it recently. She has been trying very hard to make it work - they both have, making a list of all the things they want to do, places to see etc, as well as Relate counselling but it hasn't changed the way she feels about dbil. When she first told me about it, I did mention about the relationship between bil and dds, and she said in no way would she come between them, he's their uncle always was and always will be. It's really heartbreaking to read the card he left for them, never mind the fact that his wedding ring is in there. I will keep hold of it until they are old enough to understand. I do hope in time that he will be able to make contact, but that doesn't mean I will stop contact with him completely (unless he asks me to). I feel so for him.