Mother Trouble

[Spod]

I am due to have baby by csection in 4 weeks. I have several family members who want to visit when baby arrives... but my mother seems to be trying to control them/dictate access! Without getting too long winded, basically shes a bit odd (control freak, doesnt take her HRT properly, cannot communicate on a personal level even with close family, thinks answer is to throw money at people, seems to be wanting to exclude my dad from thins... i could go on). I have been trying to sort out a loose plan re visiting but she is making it very difficult... because shes trying to control when my sister and neice visit (they have no trasport but can catch train) and she has also got my dad to book off the wrong week from work (accidently??) and shes developed a 'go with the flow... lets see what happens' attitude... which is stressing me an hubbie out as we know that means she will just turn up when she feels like it and drag whoever else along.... regardless of what we want (which incidently is to accept visitors in hospital but when home to have a few days by ourselves before more vistors). Any tips on what to do? I know I should be able to explain thins to her... have tried (on many matters over many years) ... she doesn't/wont listen. Dont want er to spoil our first weeks with our first baby..... how did you all deal with meddling relatives?

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the thing is there really is no reasoning with her.... for example my sister (24) and her daughter came to see me last month and to stay for a few days... my mother drove them here... but sister wanted to get train home so we could be flexible about how long she was staying.... mum and dad stayed overnight when they brought her up.... sister was due to go home few days later... mother offered to drive and collect her (after a full day at work) we said don't be daft. Without telling us she told our brother to drive and collect her at 9am and she was wisked away .... then mother denied her involvement in any of it!!!!! said brother just wanted to pick her up (he's 21 and had just done a night shift - how likely does that sound) this is the level of what I am up against.... it would be funny.... in another life!!

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My parents wanted to br there for the birth of their first grandchild. I phoned them when my waters broke at 2.45am but did not expect to see them until that evening as my dad was working and they live in Scotland. They turned up to the hospital at 11am. That was on the Thursday and they stayed until I got out of hospital with DD on the Sunday.
Mum had wanted to stay on but she and DP do not get on very well and he had taken the next 2 weeks off. We finally agreed to her and my aunt coming down for a week when DP was back at work but it was a struggle she thougft that we were trying to stop her from seeing her grandchild, she did not realise that I just did not want the stress after gving birth.
Just tel your mum that to don't want to fall out with her, but if she keeps trying to organise YOUR time with DH and baby that is what will happen. You just want to spend a few days on your own at home to get used to being a family before accepting visitors.

I was pretty blunt with mine in the end...but then I knew that would do the trick. Tell her that the date has been put back a few days? Then tell her your waters broke on the original day so you had to go in unexpectedly anyway!

Why not by-pass mum & make necessary arrangements with siblings, make sure they're all clear & in agreement, then lay down what you want with your mum. If necessary ignore the doorbell & all 3 of you snuggle in bed if she tries to turn up outside the agreed time. Or even, if you or dh are brave enough, tell her if she turns up at the wrong time, that it is the wrong time & send her off (nicely), then maybe she'll learn you mean business.

I pretty much foolishly had an open house after ds1's birth (c-section) and it was absolutely awful. you really need to lay down the law & make sure the more ameniable family mamber help you ensure it's stuck to.

thanks blu - I hadn't thought of lying!! I was thinking of trying to get the c section done a week earlier than planned just to avoid all this mother crap.... but know thats not responsible! Am I being unreasonble to want to contro visitors in the early days? I can't turn them way if they turn up as they all live 2 hours away (and the dosey bastards would just sitin the car till we answered and let them in) I just feel as though this baby is a huge deal for me and dh (both have had several years of health worries, job losses, and other crap stuff) and feel like its a major acheivement that we're even having a baby.... having received little help from family in recent years (even when i was in a spinal brace for 6 months) i feel as if we should enjoy our baby's arrival in the way we want and that this is a time when frankly our wishes come first and not theirs... is this selfish?

NO WAY ARE YOU BEING SELFISH SPOD!!!!!!

Your and Dh's wishes are certainly first because happy parents mean that you have more to give your new baby, and all of you come first.

You should tell people (mother included) to call before turning up, and if people are going to be plain rude enough to turn up anyway, 2 hour drive or not, then thats their tough luck. Get a doorbell that you can turn off and enjoy your special time together.

Don't let your mum arrange your sister's visits, arrange them yourself, and make sure your sister knows that if your mum calls her trying to change things that she should check with you before accepting the changes. If your sister has a daughter did she go through the same stuff with your mum, maybe she would have some tips to deal with it?

People turning up when I wasn't ready when I had DD ruined those first few weeks, I was finding it hard to b/f, I was tired and emotional. I wasn't ready to play cheery hostess, and believe me if anyone tries it this time round I will let them have it (assuming they were already told not to come over).

If there is no reasoning with your mum then I think you will have ignore her or just be ready to be rude. You shouldn't have to fear what you have a right to, your own life and time.

Can you tell I'm psyching myself up for any upcoming confrontations?

I agree with everyone else, you are not being selfish and you will really regret not doing things the way you want at a very important time of your life. I have an extremely well meaning friend who wants to stay with me when I come out of hospital for 2 days. She would be an absolute blessing, but..........she has a daughter who is nearly 2 and I don't feel that I could cope with a toddler around when I come out of hosp. I dealt with it by gently saying that I was concerned her daughter would be very bored here and that I didn't really have anywhere for them to sleep (thank god for renovations). I think she was glad really. But it was nice of her to offer. There was no way I wanted to compromise my coming home though. What about your DH could he not get a bit more involved. Lying is a good idea too if it helps.

dh is involved - backs me up totally and is equally fed up with her. He's trying to arrange things via my dad (who isnt mad) so hopefully that will help. My poor sister was actually living at my mums when she had her dd so knows how interfering she is. It doesnt seem to make any difference what others' wishes/plans are, mother just ignores them and bullies everyone into doing things her way. am now prepared to be rude if necessary!!! sounds like you've experienced similiar pie! i heed your advice and will stick to my guns! thanx

Might some exaggeration about restricted visiting hours in hospital, worries about infection to your CS wound, lengthy morning-long midwives visits, tired/low blood pressure after CS and Doctors orders not to have visitors help?

Stick to your guns! I came out of hospital with DS1 to find that my grandparents (staying with us to "help" had invited the in-laws to tea (at our house). DH didn't pick me up until late afternoon & I got home to a reception committee.. Not ONE of them got up to give me a seat (2 days after giving birth). I still feel really really angry when I think about it, and DS1 has just had his 16th birthday this week...... You WILL remember any problems for a very long time. Do what YOU want- I wish I'd been a bit more forceful.

i wish i had read this before my c section!

definitely ham up the restricited visiting times, make your dh stand guard (my mum was pacing the corridor waiting for the appropriate time to come in, and the wonderful staff shoed her away

and LIE about when you are going in. they can't help themselves they are sooooo excited for you. this is where you start being fab mum; it is in your baby's best interests for you to settle down and be happy, not worried about mad rellies.

No Spod, you aren't selfish at all. THEY are selfish and rude. It's just not on to visit people without warning and refusing to go away - in fact, it's bonkers. You totally have the right to say, I am sleeping/the midwife or dr is here/I am going out or even I don't want to see anyone at the moment. I know it is really really tough. If necessary get your dh to ring all the rellies in advance and say you don't want visitors for the first week as you will be recovering, though they can send cards, call your dh at work to check progress etc and then you will invite them. They might (sadly) take it better from him than you. Agree talk to your family members direct and tell them to ignore your mother as you won't be sending messages via her. Just cut her out of the arrangements and make sure the rest of your family know what your plans are. Good luck!

Spod - its not only at home visitors can be a pain. I had a section too and was in hosp for 5 days (think this is the norm?) and visiting was 2pm-8pm.

At 2.01pm I had a room full of visitors, even though it was supposed to be 2 max and felt very tired and hormonal as to be expected. Usually I was attempting to b/feed at the time as well just to add to the annoyance. My friends turned up who I had been longing to see and they left after 5 mins to leave me with family. I would have prefered to have a good laugh/cry with them and would have felt loads better rather than monitoring how long each grandparent got a cuddle with dd.

Maybe you could sort out a rota for hosp as well?

I know they usually mean well, but visitors can indeed turn into a stress you don't need. Think most people have experienced this!

Good luck!