Am I in the wrong or is he?

[dooley1]

Ever since i've known dh I've had more money than he has. I saved £100 a month throughtout my working life and therefore built up quite a bit of money in an ISA. Dh, on the other hand, never saved, had lots of student debt and once I paid off his credit card to give him for money each month. When I gave up work to become a SAHM he was against the idea and said that he couldn't afford to give me much money allowance. So I have been dipping into my savings so I can still go out with friends, buy things for ds and buy clothes for me and go on weeksends away like hen nights. Tonight he said we need double glazing and in the past I'd offered my savings for this. We still have enough money in my account for this but he was horrified that I've spent £2,000 in the last year. He thinks we should live within our means and therefore not have Sunday lunch out etc and if I can't afford to go out once a week than basically I shouldn't go. I, on the other hand, think that I should be able to spend my savings as I see fit, that I worked bloody hard for them and I could have spent all my income like he did each month. He spends a lot each month on things for him like dvds, books etc. A lot of my savings are from when I was single too and I can't help but resent the fact that just cos i saved my money should go on double glazing. Perhaps I should have frittered it all away already like he did before we married. I know many of you would say they don't get this your money, my money thing and that it should all just be in a joint account

I DO get the my money your money thing, I think you can still share but have money that you feel you've earned.
I never mention DH's penchant for PC games, he never bothers that I spend loads on clothes - I don't when we're skint, that's the important thing. I paid off his student debt but it was never an issue, he didn't have the money, I did, he never took the piss and I paid it because I was luckier than him and got to go to Uni at 18 instead of having to struggle in my 30s like he did.
Things like this can eat away - get it out in the open!

Sounds to me like you're bringing up 2 kids - his attitude amazes me quite frankly. What you're doing with your money sounds pretty reasonable and as you've funded his debts and other major purchases for the house, I'd tell him to eff off.

(Sorry, not very constructive is it?, I'm just amazed at his arrogance)

thanks I feel so mad it makes my blood boil. I've a good mind to just blow the lot so he can't have it but I know that double glazing etc is for us all. I think half the problem too is that I always had money of my own and never wanted to tell him how much but I had to for the tax credit form and i knew he would bring it up if he thought i had spent too much

I think you are entitled to spend the money that you have saved any way you feel fit.

How about setting up another savings account that you both contribute to? That way, if he wants double glazing, it can be paid for out of that money.

Of course you should be able to spend it, I am surprised you haven't spent more!

I would love to do that Kid but since I gave up work we have no money to start more savings. He sometimes says that if I hadn't given up work it would have been the first time in his life that he could have saved. Which is rubbish because he got a bit of inheritance once and he used it to buy a hugh *k off TV!!!

As you say - you've saved hard for this money so you should spend it like you want - its not as if you're out buying Gucci shoes while your kids eat dry crusts of bread is it? (is it?!)

Tell him to eff off. My dh & I put all our money in one account, pay the bills and split whats left. Over the years, who earns the most has varied and although he has accused me of frittering my share on magazines, lipsticks & shoes, at the end of the day, it's my half so ner ner!

If we need to buy something big, we both go without until it's paid for, then go back to sharing money.

You go girl!!!

OMG! Are you me?! This is what we do, i have ALWAYS saved and i too have built up a nice little savings pile for a rainy day.
I have used my savings in the past for housey type things but now we do it between us.
I continue to save and have got DH into the habit too, he has a small nest egg but he is useing his to build a garage.
I would take great exception to him telling me that i should or shouldnt be spending MY money on stuff, i would be mortally offended in fact.
I think that you are right, he is wrong. You HAVE worked hard for that money, YOU earned it, therefore you shouldnt have to answer to him at all....

fair enough, I just thought it would force him into saving some money rather than just rely on your savings. Maybe when/if you return to work you can make him do that then.

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it - all the benefits of savings (yours) with none of the pain (him giving up things he wants).

Hmmm.

I have just got a Saturday job so I now have a bit of income coming in which I have offered to put into the joint acount for the mortgage, bills etc but he has said that since he can't afford to give me an allowance i should try and live on my Saturday wage and save my savings iyswim!! (God, it's all so complicated!!)

exactly Caligula. Sometimes i just long for the days when I was sinlge and didn't have to thik about grown up stuff like this!!

Reminds me of a guy I went out with. We didn't go out much as he was always saying things like, 'we should be careful with money, etc.' We didn't have shared finances and I would have been happy to spend my money on going out but couldn't if he refused. Then he would spend £400 on speakers or a grand on a TV and I would think, I wish we had just gone out more.

Dooley - why is it that he seems to be able to dictate the rules? He says you shouldn't go out for Sunday lunch, he says you're frittering your money, he says he can't give you an allowance. What about you? Just because you're not bringing in a salary, doesn't mean you should have any less say in household finances.

See, this is why I don't understand the 'his money' 'her money', it's just too divisive when one person isn't bringing money in.

A couple of queations:

Are you using any of the money he earns now?

Is he spending less on himself now cos you are a SAHM?

If you were given some money like an gift or an inheritance would you see it as your money or both of yours?

If he can't afford to give you an allowance, you'll need your savings then, won't you.

Eaney:
Are you using any of the money he earns now?
Yes, he buys all the food, pays the mortgage - I use my savings if we go out for a meal
Is he spending less on himself now cos you are a SAHM?
Yes, he has had to cut down on how many luxuries he buys himself like bookds, dvds but he still buys some
If you were given some money like an gift or an inheritance would you see it as your money or both of yours?
If it was for a birthday I would see it as mine as he sees his birthday gift money as his. If it was inheritance I would see it as ours

Caligula - beofre my Saturday job he was giving me £50 a month. I couldn't afford to stick to just that so used my savings to go out once a week with some friends. I don't think he really agreed with that as, to be fair to him, he worries what will happen when my savings run out. I guess I'll be a miserable moo!!

So where did he think your money came from when you went out for a meal?

He could argue I suppose that the deprivation he is going through now (not buying the cds and suchlike) is equivalent to the deprivation you underwent when you saved. I suppose it depends how long he has been depriving himself.

I don't think this is that easy to resolve but I do know that a lot of relationships flounder when it comes to money. I think it is really important that you have a very frank discussion about your views to money not just this specific problem but generally.

I tend to see it from your point of you but then I am a woman and more likely to.