How do I tactfully tell friend my dd doesn't like hers ??????

[ANGELMOTHER]

I'm really not sure the best way to go about this but approx a year ago met said friend whilst pushing swings. Her dd is a yr younger than mine but they got on quite well at first. We started to meet up weekly sometimes more for coffee, lunch etc in eachothers houses and the odd outing. The girls played well together and we got on fine, it helped both of us while away many an afternoon.

Anyway this Summer her dd went to Grandmas for a month and my phone never rang once, this made it clear to me that the friendship was based purely on the children.....Fine, I have no probs with that. As soon as her dd was back the phone rang and soon it was her dd's Birthday, therefore party etc.

Problem is my dd tells me she doesn't like this little one as quite frankly she bites, scratches, pushes and generally bullies my little one, all of which I've seen, and some of which my friend has noticed also.
Now we're all back to school I haven't seen her yet as dh is working from home a lot now (am nearly 38 wks pg) and has been dropping dd to pre-school. She says she wants to meet up for lunch etc but quite honestly the last thing I want is to have dd picked on at the mo, we all have enough to deal with, besides with dd doing 5 sessions a week and ballet once a week and new baby soon I don't know if I want to.

I know this is long-winded so thank you if you've read this far. I am a bit of a wuss in confronting issues sometimes but am determined not to let my dd be bullied. It is likely that friends dd will go to same school next year etc so don't want to make an enemy at the gates before we've even got there.

So how do I tactfully say this. I know what I'm likely to do is just avoid meetings and not confront things, hoping she gets the message but is that really the best course of action ?????

I know I am a wuss

Oh me too Angelmother, I can't face this sort of confrontation either. Tbh I think the best way to approach it is to call her and say, can we just leave it for a while since I'm a bit loathe to arrange things and would like to just relax as much as possible for the next little while before and just after the baby. She ought to understand and that way you're not burning any bridges or anything or peeing her off (well if you are she's no right to be imo) but neither do you have to see her. Maybe even that's easier said than done though. By the time her dd's at school maybe she'll have calmed down a bit (a year's a long time etc) and have other friends.

maybe you could put the emphasis on YOUR daughter( even though it's obviously not the case) and say she's getting a bit withdrawn and her dd intimidates her a little and you'd like her to come out of her shell before school................something like that tricky one this i sat for ages thinking.

Basically, there isn't a tactful way of saying it - I've never had the courage to say anything like that and have tended to make fewer arangements to meet(or none)on the grounds that I'm busy, dd is too tired from her sessions etc, all probably completely true in your case. As for the future at school, that will take care of itself later.

You don't say how old they are but presumably both under 5. It is horrible to see your dd getting picked on but at the same time if hers is younger it is probably as out of frustration and wanting to join in rather than spite. Your friend may be hoping that your daughter will provide a good example rather than a target and her dd will outgrow it eventually. Does she discipline her dd when she oversteps the mark ?

I think there are a couple of different issue here. First that if they come to your house or you are left supervising them together then you should have the right to tell her dd off if she does not abide by your rules (ie no biting, snatching etc) but obviously this would have to apply to your own daughter too. Her dd's behaviour needs to be acceptable to the others at school after all and this would clearly not be.

Secondly if you do not feel in a position to do lunch , play dates etc at the moment let her know. It gives you some breathing space and allows you to spend undivided time with dd which a friend should not begrudge. She may have felt awkward contacting you over the summer if it had meant inflicting her child on you when you were otherwise childfree. When the baby has arrived and things settle down a bit perhaps a short afternoon trip to the park would enable you to see how the situation is.

Lastly don't feel bad if your daughter does n't like hers - we cannot assume that children will get on with each other any more than adults would. If it is purely her behaviour that she does not like then that might change and perhaps the friendship is still worth pursuing, be it on reduced contact for the time being. You could always meet your friend for coffee when the girls are at school instead.

Sorry to be so longwinded.hth

You are all right I know and I do have the wonderfull excuse of being pg afterall. I just don't want any tension, I can't bear that sort of atmosphere.
Funny thing is in pre-school dd is soooo good and has her own bunch of friends already, never bothers with friends dd.
Also crazily friends' dd is starting Tae Kwon Do (sp) soon. Am I being daft but isn't this sort of activity not going to make the child worse.

I take your point Liz, but thing is it was her dd that was away during the summer not mine. To be honest I don't think she's too interested in my friendship as much as filling time for her dd. She's a single mum with not many other friends with children and I feel I filled a gap for her, simple as that.

She has reprimanded her dd for said behaviour before but personally I believe she could and should be a lot firmer, then maybe I am too strict !!

I might be on my own here but I don't think you should say anything.

If you do you may lose a friend, if you really don't want to see her just let the friendship fade away gradually. That way they'll be no hard feelings.

If you bump into each other at the school gates you can still chat and do the old "we must get together some time..." neither of you may mean it and it'll probably never happen but if she makes the effort it'll show that the friendship is not just because of the children.

It doesn't sound like either friend of her daughter have done anything paricularly wrong - perhaps her daughter is just a little rough. It would be a shame to cause bad feeling where there could still be an acquaintance (spelling?).

If friends dd is rough and you see, there's nothing stopping you saying "X please don't hit Y so hard"

Better to have a friend than an enemy.

I agree with Lizs you should arrange to meet up for coffee whilst both of the children are at pre-school, if she rejects the idear then be forever busy.

As the girls are a year apart I assume that her dd does not also go to your dd's pre-school, also I am assuming that the pre-school is a new thing for your dd. If those assumptions are correct you have a perfectly acceptable reason to put her off for a while (and that is without the fact that you are very pregnant) - just tell her that your dd is very tired when she comes home and just wants to chill out. Also, you could say that you want to spend a bit of 1:1 time with your dd before the baby arrives. Just tell her that you will be in touch after you have had the baby and everything has calmed down a bit - you will probably be grateful for a distraction for your dd once baby is here. Also, being at pre-school and mixing with lots of new children cmay make your dd more able to deal with your friend's dd. Good Luck.

Sorry Angelmother read that bit the wrong way around. Sounds like your dd doesn't really need hers as a friend. Her dd will similarly make new friends in time so maybe it will naturally drift.

What with you being 38 weeks pregnant, you have every reason to say you're not up for outings with your friend. In fact it's a good way to see how she feels about your friendship. If you are right in suspecting she only sees you because it's something to while away the time with her dd, then a couple of months apart might cause her to drift away anyway. If she doesn't phone or send a card to congratulate you on the birth of your baby, or show any interest in this news, then it will give you another clue about what she sees in you.

While putting off a meeting between your two dds, you could also consider asking her a small baby-related favour when you finally meet and see how interested she is in this. Or spend lots of time chatting to her about your wonderful baby And see how good she is about adapting to you with a baby on tow. If it's all too much bother for her, she might drift off of her own accord.

I think it's a good idea to keep friendly at a distance, though. Her dd is very young and might well grow out of this behaviour quickly and IME, little children's friendships do make and break and make up again a lot. Your dd might suddenly find she likes this little girl again in 6 months time and it's always nice to have too many friends than not enough - you never know, your dd might fall out with her present friends and be glad of this little girl's friendship one day.

As long as your dd does end up feeling OK about this little girl (most of the time) then you could accept the friendship between you and her mother for what it is - a casual one based on the children.

I'd come right out and say that quite honestly I'd noticed the girls just didn't seem to be getting on so well these days and although you'd be happy to meet up for a coffee just the two of you and your new baby when it arrives, keeping an eye on the children is too much.

You might then find she drops you like a hot potato if she doesn't fancy a meet-up with a baby in tow!

I don't think there is a way to tactfully tell your friend you dd doesn't like her dd. I think we are all a bit sensitive about our children and especially if her dd hasn't got that many little friends she might start to worry about other children not liking her dd. I know I would. I am terribly sensitive about my children making friends. I am terrified they will not be popular with other children.

My dd is at the age (she's 7) where she has started to be more selective with friends. I am starting to notice that she has preferences about who to invite to her birthday party etc. As much as I can I am trying to ignore this. For her last party she had to invite everyone in her year. I didn't want any of the girls to be left out. I think it is an important lesson to learn to get on with all kinds of people. I do understand it is not very nice if your dd is being bullied a bit by this little girl, but that is something you can deal with in a different way perhaps?

I do feel for this mother you are descibing as a single mum without that many friends. She is probably desperate to meet up with other mums and their children. It could be true that she is not that interested in your friendship without kids involved. It could also be that she feels a bit shy about taking the friendship to this level and feels that it is easier to ask "on behalf" of her dd.

I don't think you should feel bad about saying you are simply too tired to meet up now the baby is due soon and that you will be quiet busy for the first couple of months after the birth. Any mum would understand. Give yourself a break and try again later is my advise.

Thanks for all the advice here. I intend to try and simply avoid the issue (see I am a wuss), put her off till things have calmed down.
Truly I don't have the energy as my Iron levels are still low despite supplements and I feel tired and listless a lot.
Also I don't want to lose the friendship for either myself or dd, as yes as so many of you have said a little cooling off for a while may do the trick.
It's so hard seeing your own child pushed around though, I have to say. I recall being bullied in school many years ago and I so want my dd to have an easier time of it. She is the most gentle creature in the world and wouldn't dream of hurting another child, I'd never let her.
I know I'm poss being over protective so I'll stop now.............pregnancy hormones that's my excuse

In my experience little children really don't bully as such at pre-school school age. Some children bite and scratch and push but its not bullying as such (that comes later). By which I mean they're not deliberately being nasty. It's been my experience that a lot of younger children who do this pushing and pulling seem to grow out of it as well. One minute you're watching them like a hawk waiting to rescue your ds/dd then suddenly you realise they've been really sweet for several months and the pushing and pulling has gone. I have seen certain children always push the same child around at play gorup (usually a smaller child) but again I don't really think they're picking on them. And I have seen cases where the pushed child has said things like "I don't like x mummy" then 3 months later they're inseperable best friends.

DS1 is almost certainly going to be bullied in the future. TBH I see it as totally inevitable (whether he will care or notice is a different matter). He's now 4 and I have found there are some children who don't cope with him very well, but they just tend to avoid him rather than go out of their way to be nasty. I think purposeful bullying tends to come later. There is a lot they could tease him for and be nasty about but tbh they don't evene seem to notice, or if they do they seem to see it as interesting. I'd say the majority of children are totally accepting of him, about 10% don't handle him at all and about 10% are absolutely fascinated with him. (I'm expecting this to change and the bullying to kick in around 7- luckily for us DS1 has a little girl in his class at school who is very protective of him- she won't let anyone be nasty to him- she's fantastic)

I have let several friends go for various reasons In each case I just let it fizzle out. That way when we do bump into each other we can still be polite and friendly, and there's no hard feelings.

I expect you've been given iron supplements but have you seen spatone in Boots- it's mineral water naturally high in iron- (int he supplement section) I think its safe for pregnancy and it doesn't cause constipation!