Childminder served notice this morning!

[ThomCat]

My childminder, for two days out of the week, is one of my closest friends. I came into work late this morning so she could take my DD later than usual as she was settling her 2.5 yr old into nursery for the 1st time. I was a bit stressed this morning as she was a lot longer than she said she'd be and my office was empty as everyone was out at meetings or on holiday. My DP had also left the house for work with my house and car keys so I was stressed trying to find spare keys, had cut my arm looking in ridiculous places and it was just one of those mornings! Anyway she suddenly said 'look I'm really sorry but I've got to give you notice on having your DD'. I was really shocked, it came from the blue as far as I was concerned. She said her and her DH want to start trying for a 3rd child and with her youngest starting nursery she just thought it best and is giving me loads of notice, all fine and she's entitled to do what she wants of course she is..... Why then do I feel so emotional about it? I'm sure I?ll sort something else out and it'll all be fine, I just feel a bit teary and I don't know why really. I don't think it's been helped by the fact that she told me at a very bad time and also at the weekend a friend of ours was playing with my DD and said to my childminder/friend, when I was there, 'she's so lovely, how do you give her back at the end of the day?' and c.minder said 'no offence' (looking at me) 'but sometimes with great pleasure'. Now I know that DD is NOT a handful, she doesn't crawl yet, doesn't cry (well v rarely) and I just thought that was a bit blunt and a bit harsh (protective mother syndrome I know!) but didn't really take much notice, but then with this morning......
I'm just being silly and sensitive but I feel a bit 'off' with this friend now and I know that's unfair of me, any advice, anyone want to kick me up the backside and tell me to shape up, or perhaps sympathise..............

poor you Thomcat. I would just find another childminder I think you are upset because she is your friend. I think that was horrible what she said about giving your dd back unless of course it was said in jest. Maybe she has just changed her mind about childminding, its just difficult isnt it when you are employing or employed by friends or family. Sorry this isnt much help just feel sorry for you but I'm sure you will find another lovely childminder or nursery. And I've got protective mother syndrome too so dont worry about that

It sounds to me like you are having one of those days...of course you'd feel upset now that an arrangement that has worked well for you is coming to an end. I love my childminder and would be devastated if she decided to stop for some reason.

I also think her remark was insensitive and unnecessary. Perhaps it indicates not that your dd is a handful but that for your friend's own reasons she is not coping well enough.

You never know - maybe your friend/childminder is also having 'one of those days' today. Why don't you have a proper chat with her later and see if you can find out whether something else is bothering her - it could be something not connected with you at all, but at least you would know.

Blimey, total sympathies here! What a horrible thing to say. It sounds as though there's been something brewing possibly; maybe she was feeling guilty about telling you and it manifested itself in that comment, but that's no excuse really. I don't think you need a kick up the backside at all, have my cyber shoulder to cry on!
What will you do now in practical terms? Do you know of any other childminders or nurseries?
You poor thing. xxxx

Agree with the others, sounds like your childminder's got problems of her own - maybe there's a conflict with her husband about trying for no.3/ childminding etc and he's given her some kind of ultimatum, quid pro quo or something.

The childminders comment was unnecessary but I doubt that as she's a friend of yours that she meant it in the way you've perceived it.

I think that as she's had atleast 3 children in her house for the past 6 - 8 weeks then she's exhausted. I would be. I know that it's her chosen proffesion but she may be finding it increasingly difficult to cope with all the children.

I'm sure that you will find another form of child care without too much difficulty.

Thanks girls - just what I needed.
Tamum - the feeling guilty about telling me and it manifesting in her comment on Saturday is probably spot on, she did say she'd been wanting to tell me for weeks now.

The conflict with her husband is another very good point.

I know everything will be totally cool. My mum has already suggested she up her days she has DD to 3 days nad we ask my Dad who took very early retirement several years ago that he have her for a day. Anyway something will come up and it'll all be fine. Just need to phone friend now and apologise for not taking the news terribly well, it's not her fault and she shouldn't be made to feel bad.
Hmmm, might wait a bit, just realised I feel a bit annoyed at her timing still so best wait until that feeling has subsided or I have it under control more.

Thanks girls - xx

I agree, probably the most difficult thing was her timing, probably not her fault, but if you were really stressed, you're definitely not in the best frame of mind to deal with the news.

Don't feel bad either about getting upset/annoyed at her comment, I bet most mothers would feel niggled, even if 100% sure it was a joke. anyway, your dd sounds lovely, and I'm sure you'll find alternatives without loads of hassle. it's great your mum can help out more.

I'd wait until your totally calm & over the stress & shock before you contact her, just to be sure that you're i the best frame of mind, if she's a friend she'll be ok with that. All the best

Thomcat I was a childminder and in exactley the same position, I was so nervous about letting my friend down yet she was fine, she later said that if I had not been a friend she would have taken it a whole lot better and I was nervous for weeks beforehand.

Also no matter how much you like kids when you have had them all day and are really tired you are very pleased to see them go home. I am sure she did not mean it in the way that you have taken it - I used to love my charges but on somedays I could not wait for their mums to come and get them!!

Yeah I'm cool about it now. I phoned her and just chatted away like normal - she started to bring it up and I just said 'oh look, I just took it badly because of the timing and I didn't expect it at all. It was all a bit emotional, but don't worry it's fine and I know now, so...' and then just talked about us having a curry on Thursday for a friend?s birthday.

I know I over-reacted but as soon as she'd left I burst into tears and for some bizarre reason just felt like I couldn't deal with it and felt so pissed off that she'd blurted it out on a stressful Monday morning. However I understand she saw me on my own and just came out with it because she had made the decision while she was on holiday and she?s been back 2 weeks! Bless her!
And I know it's only natural to want to hand my DD back to me at the end of the day sometimes, especially with 2 very loud little boys of her own.

It is sad when a good thing comes to an end but Lottie will be in playgroup in a year so.....

Thanks for all of your posts.
TC xx

I think one of the reasons you feel so emotional is that it marks the end of an era in your dd's life, with all that implies about the passing of time, and worrying about change for her. I felt exactly the same when my childminder gave up childminding when her youngest went to school and she wanted a job outside the home. I was very tearful on my ds's last day with her (so watch out for that!) but it has all worked out fine, and he has adapted well to changes so far. So wish me luck for ds's first day at nursery at the end of the month - I know I will be very upset on his last day with his nanny.

thomcat, I've felt exactly the same as you - my oldest son had a childminder who was also a close neighbour of mine. When she wanted to call it a day, I couldn't stop myself from taking it personally at first, even though I knew she had other reasons to say goodbye to my son.

As with any goodbye, if it really hurts, you know there was a good thing going. It would have been far worse if you'd felt strangely relieved at the news she was ending the arrangement.

Over the years I've had about 3 or 4 long term childminders and it's always sad when it's the final goodbye. They all looked after my sons really well, but also, I knew each of them were very happy to see me collect them at the end of the day. They would tell me about all this play stuff they had enjoyed together, while waving us a very firm goodbye! Sort of a mixed message, but of course everyone needs space.

BTW, you sound like you are really good at sitting back and being objective about how you are feeling, so I'm not surprised you've managed to feel more OK about your friend's decision so quickly.