Opinions needed unusual situation re child support.

[piffle]

Posting here as not a single parent
Am happy with dp and dd 3 and ds 11 (with exp)
WE get on well with exp he stays over and has ds lots and takes him on holidays loads
But exp has laways been self employed muso and never really earned a lot so we said that we'd rather he spent his money on seeing ds (we live in Lincs exp in Kent) rather than paying CS etc
However now exp has bought a house with the same mortage as us! {shock] I know how much dp earns and if exp earns that then again - plus exp has a boarder/roommate and exp is single with no more kids.
So he tells me the other day he has saved £1000 for DS and is about to put it into premium bonds.
again DP is FURIOUS we are saving for a wedding have not had a holiday in 3 yrs are struggling with me not going to work due to dd having special needs.
DP has supported financially ds and me since I had dd in 2002, exp has not paid a penny to us, infact hes never paid anything to me in 11 yrs of having ds - as previously stated I thought it was fairer...
I want to ask him for that £1000. I think he should pay us first then save for ds after he has paid his CS.
Shall I do it?
DS says yes and extract a monthly/annual contribution as well or we start to get tough about access
This fills me with horror....
Any easy way out? I am close to exp but would find it hard to have to "ask" for money
It seems so icky...

I would ask him for the 1000 tbh. i would go to CSA as you have such a good relationship all round, but say as he is obviously earning enough to get a mortgage (maybe the lodger is a necessity to pay towards the mortgage?) then you think it is only fair he starts to contribute financially, as and when, towards your son

they give you a mortgage for 4 1/2 times your wage now btw (sometimes 6 times)

he was assessed by CSA in 1999 as I was on working tax credit, but as he is self employed he got a self certified mortgage so CSA basically said there was nothing they could do as he showed negative income levels.
I imagine he cna adjust it to look anyway he wants
He is good guy, good father we just need this last thing...

I can understand that piffle

tbh i would find it quite frustrating

Access should never be on condition of payment imo as that is not in the child's best interests.
The CSA will most likely take a disproportionate amount of exp's disposable income (assuming he has any to show with him being self-employed) and will leave him struggling to visit and take ds on holidays.
I would personally rather carry on without any maintenance than have to ask for money from an ex. or get embroiled with the CSA, but if you get on well with exp then it is worth discussing (not directly 'asking for')the possibility of a regualar contribution with him to see his opinion. I wouldn't make it too heavy though and definately not intimate any curtailment of access except perhaps the staying over bit.
I can see how you could find yourself as a piggy in the middle of two men. There is a male power shift when bank balances are exposed.

goosey perfect you see it exactly as I see it
I do see dp's side, if we were struggling financially I'd view it differently but I do think that if exp can save money then he can afford to contribute a little at least.
I think I'll broach it this way after all...
The access was dp's menace, its not something I'd ever let happen tbh it would shatter ds's relationship with his dad whom he adores and he would hate dp as well
no win...

i actually meant to write I wouldnt go to the csa!!! i really must preview in future, sorry mate

sounds like dispite a misunderstanding you have a good relationship going on and would be foolish i think to spoil it.

i would tell him the CSA have contacted you. i would tell him that they have done this as you recieve family tax credit or something and they class as a benefit and are asking questions.

i would tell him that you are prepared to make them go away if you can come to an agreement financially with him - becuase tbh you don't want the hassle of the csa interfering -and you dont want to spoil the good relationship with him.

update!
We spoke - agreed on everything and he has said he will pay us a set amount per month instead of saving it for ds as he had previously, and give us a portion of his savings for ds of £1000 - I feel a bit ickky taking this money as for dh and I the main thing is some monthly contribution which we now have - he will save separately if he can for ds.
All without falling out MARVELLOUS!

excellent

Yay! i like happy endings!