Rant!

[skinnycow]

An old school friend and I have been back in touch for a few years now and we meet up a 2 or 3 times a year usually just us and her dd and my 2 children. Earlier in the year my friend and her dh came over to us for dinner - we had a lovely time and they have invited myself, dh and the children over to theirs for tonight. This has been arranged for about 6 weeks. Her dh is a policeman and works shifts etc. Dh declared last night that he wasnt going tonight now. His reason for not going was because he's working until 4pm (in reality he will be home by 2.30). We are due at Helens at 7pm and she lives about 15 minutes away. Ive explained it doesnt have to be a late night (he was up at about 5am). I cannot ring her to let her down as I just know she will have bought food by now for this evening and may even be preparing it. Ive called dh at work and asked what he's doing and he says he's not going. How on earth can I get round this one? He is becoming less and less sociable and doesnt care whether he lets people down. The other night he asked his parents to come over to babysit so we could go out (they've been over since June and havent offered yet and as they go back to spain next wednesday he thought we'd better just ask). They came over and dh changed his mind at about 8pm so I then had to start cooking.

go without him!
Say he is not well so you dont look silly.
Wait till tomorrow then scream at him!

yes go without him, say hes got a migrane or something.

i will probably just go on my own but i still feel as though we're failing her as Helen and I can meet up any time on our own - it was supposed to be a nice couple evening IYKWIM.

His parents are hankering after a lift to the airport on Wednesday and I am seriously considering just saying "no" and seeing how he likes to feel uncomfortable

I agree with auntymandy, why on earth should you miss out? He is being selfish imho.

Hm, but if he goes when he doesn't want to, will it be a nice couple evening?

I'd be tempted to try "if you won't go to this, then I won't give your folks a lift", but that's probably not wise.

I think that sucks hon. In your situation I would

1. Tell him you are very upset, had been looking forward to this for ages and hate his last minute pull out as it will affect your friend who may have bought food and is plain rude.

2)Ask him to change his mind one more time.

3)If he refuses ring your friend and tell her that dh and the kids won't be coming so if by any chance she hasn't yet bought the food she can hold off on huge quantities

4)Leave the kids with your dh, go to your mate's house and have a really good time.

I see I agree with everyone else. Cross posted.

so, is it childish to refuse his parents a lift to the airport and make dh worm his way out of the discomfort? although they havent actually said what time their flight is, from looking at the timetable, it is either 6.10, 7.20 or 10.15am! so im thinking they're wanting to stay overnight too (we're 5-10 mins from airport).

He sounds incredibly selfish and possibly depressed, if he can't bring himself to make the effort occasionally. Unless he has a genuine reason which he'd better come up with fast I'd insist he go, even for a short while, or makes his own excuses. Granted it makes it a long day but a bit late to decide that now.

As to the parents I guess it depends which flight it is and how disruptive it would be to run them to the airport. You can't be expected to get the kiddies up at the crack of dawn just for the fun of it. If needs be put them up overnight and call them a cab.

he does work a lot but i honestly think he thrives on it - although he comes home whinging about some of the idiots he works with he does enjoy the buzz that most of the managers think the sun shines out of his backside and the fact that he does get results at work and manages his team effectively. I think he sees us (myself and the 2 children) as an extension of his work life and tries to dictate to us and cant cope with the fact that we dont just fall in line like his team do. I think he works better within a ranking system as opposed to being on a level with people. Eg. his shift and the opposite shift compete with each other to see who creates the best results. Dh's team always win but it just means that dh is competing against his opposite and that is how he is at home - competing against me for who gets less sleep, who does less housework, who spends less etc etc

as predicted he has already arrived home so obviously over 2hours early!

Agree with everyone. In your position I'd go AND stay the night leaving him to deal with kids tonight and most of sunday.

I wouldn't be happy with this at all. Does your dh really know how important this is to you? If so, he sounds pretty selfish to me. Like everyone else, I'd still go along, and let him deal with the kids for the evening.

I would be inclined to go without him, like the others suggested. But let him know he is letting YOU down, not the others.

I had a wedding to go to 4 years ago & 2 days before DH said he didn't want to go as he would only know me & that he wouldn't be letting anyone down (bride was a work mate). They had a big sit down meal & each meal was chosen by the guests, so I had to find some-one who liked what my hubby would have eaten.

I made him realise afterwards that he let me down & that was the worse thing he could have done. He said he hadn't seen it this way & was very sorry.

ive discussed it with him and he says quite simply he doesnt want to go - he cant see that he's being rude and obnoxious. he is asleep on the bed at the moment so no doubt wont even be going to bed early tonight - wanker

leave the kids with him and get pissed.

yay! i have managed to get through to dh! I gave up nagging and simply told him that Helen was an excellent cook having trained as a chef and it was a shame he would miss out. Obviously all bullshit but he is food obsessed so fell for it.

Good for you, have a lovely evening .

Did you have a good night?

yes we did have a nice time thank you.

ha ha skinnycow - all those sensitive thoughtful replies from women trying to understand your dh's state of mind and he falls for your "yum food" gambit!

men! love it!

Ah, this is such a familiar scenario chez tigermoth. Good for you that it worked out.

My dh often theatens to pull out of family or couple plans. A primitive, pre wife and familiy bit of him needs to assert itself temporarily. He needs to show everyone he actually has a choice, and can pull out if he wants to. Then, once he has said 'no' I leave him and a few hours later he says 'well, ok then, I'll go'. It happens time and time again, even my 12 year old is wise to it now.

Sometimes I do get really angry, following a 'no' from DH. I do this so dh is under no illusion I am deeply ped off for me and the other people he is letting down, and I will remain deeply Ped off with him after I return from the thing he is missing. So life at home will not be pleasant for him.

Sometimes I don't get angry - this is because I knew dh really never had any intention of coming in the first place, and tbh, I will have a better time if he is not there.