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Original poster

oh fuckety i'm crying and don't know where i need to be most

23 replies

QueenOfFlamingEverything · 15/01/2011 11:59

one of my best and oldest friend's mum has had cancer for the last 2 years - have just had a call to say it has become very serious, her mum is in hospital not expected to live more than a few days. her kidneys are packing up.

they live far away and i had a falling out with friend last year - we have been sort of talking since but only just. i knew her mum was ill but not how rapidly she was deteriorating. not seen them for a year - been having a baby, as has my friend.

her mum is one of the people i love most in the world. she took me in as a homeless teenager. loved me, spoke wise words to me, supported me, has been a wonderful friend to me in her own right. i want to go and see her, and go to support my friend who has two small children of her own. her mum lives with them usually, she had been caring for her at home til this happened.

but i live 150 miles away, and i am helping a woman here who is about to have her 7th baby, and whose husband has left. i am meant to be on standby for emergency transport/childcare until her not-very-DH can get here

i don't know where i need to be most

i want to see my friend and her mum

i don't want to let down someone who needs me

OP posts:

ConnorTraceptive · 15/01/2011 12:03

I would say your friend and her mum are a much higher priority. Also I tink it would affect you greatly if you didn't go so you must put yourself first.

It's a shame for your pregnant friend but realy you should be with your friend and her mum now

ConnorTraceptive · 15/01/2011 12:04

Also without being harsh your pregnant friends DH is responsible for her and HIS children there are other pople to clear up his mess he'll never pull his finger out

whomovedmychocolate · 15/01/2011 12:05

Can you call your friend at the hospital? And how close to delivering is your other friend?

cobbledtogether · 15/01/2011 12:05

Right. Get to see your friend and her mum. Its the only chance you'll have to say goodbye if its as close as it is.

Hard though it is, the friend with the baby will be looked after at the hospital if she suddenly goes into labour - do you, or she have another friend who could step-in for childcare? If yes, call on them. Even if they wouldn't normally do it, people can come through in a crisis.

Get to your friend and her mum. I think you will deeply regret it if you don't.

NorbertDentressangle · 15/01/2011 12:05

You need to go to your friend and her mum.

I would talk to the pregnant friend though and explain the situation. I'm sure she will understand.

Are there other friends who can step in to your emergency-childcare-if-needed role?

Meow75 · 15/01/2011 12:06

I agree with Connor.

Speak to the pregnant lady. Do you know anyone who could take your place on her behalf? Ultimately, if she needs transport to hospital, there is always the emergency services.

ajandjjmum · 15/01/2011 12:07

Go and see your friend's mum. You need to do that. And tell your other friend to keep her legs crossed for a few days :)

whomovedmychocolate · 15/01/2011 12:09

and I didn't say but I'm sorry you are going through this - it's frustrating to be at a distance when someone you care for is in trouble.

Snorbs · 15/01/2011 12:13

Go and see your friend and her mum while you still have the chance.

Yes, this may put your pregnant friend out. But it will be for the very best and most unavoidable of reasons and if she's any kind of friend at all she will understand.

One final thing - in between all this running around looking after other people, do make sure that you grab some time to look after yourself. You're important too.

Original poster

QueenOfFlamingEverything · 15/01/2011 12:20

she is not a friend exactly - well i think she will become one as she is lovely but she is a friend of a friend of a friend. she is 38 weeks pg with history of prem and v fast births and pph. i agreed to help her as i have done doula training

she is new to the area and has no-one else to help. she is v high risk and we are 25 miles from the nearest hospital

her husband works away so would be some time getting back here in emergency

i do know i want to be with my friend and her mum, but i would feel dreadful about leaving a pg woman with nobody to help her

but yes my heart says i need to go

just stressing abut logisitcs

OP posts:

nickelbabysnatcher · 15/01/2011 12:27

Yo uhave to go to your friend and her mum.

Your PG friend will understand - If you don't see friend's mum ever again you will regret it and you will hate yourself for it.
The PG lady is starting a new life, and she will have plenty of people to help her when the time comes.
(and if she's that far away from the hospital, she really should have organised a midwife for a home birth if she's at risk of fast labours...)

ilythia · 15/01/2011 12:48

Call the PG friend and explain.
I hate to be blunt and grim but in all honesty how long do you anticiapte being away? Do you want to stay to the bitter end or just go to say goodbye?

Can your DH not look after her children in an emergency so she knows there is someone who can help?

Original poster

QueenOfFlamingEverything · 15/01/2011 13:00

my dh cannot drive and we live middle of nowhere

plus i have a 7 yo who he'd be looking after

am waiting for update from friend who has gone to hospital to see mum

OP posts:

whomovedmychocolate · 15/01/2011 13:06

Take your DH and your 7 YO with you 150 miles is doable in a day. 300 miles also if you start out early.

tummytickler · 15/01/2011 13:08

I think you should see your friend and her mother.
If the PG lady has a history of pph she really ought to give birth in a hospital, so she will need to get an ambulance if her dh is not home. She should call her dh and let him know now that you are away and he needs to leave his work and come and help her before an emergency starts. He needs a few days off work, what kind of father is not prepared to do that for his kids? They are his children, not yours.
Chances are she will hang on a couple of days any way.
Sorry for you and your friend.

Northernlurker · 15/01/2011 13:10

Go to your friend and let the pg lady know. If she starts to labour she can call an ambulance but you won't get a second chance at this.

tummytickler · 15/01/2011 13:10

Or do you have any kind friends or family (whom you trust) that could step in to help her whilst you are away? Maybe if you explained the situation to them, many would be prepared to help a stranger - I know I would.

IAmReallyFabNow · 15/01/2011 13:11

Your friend and her mum need you more.

A terminal illness trumps a baby imo.

If you were booked to help me and said you had a sick friend I would tell you not to worry about helping me.

CarGirl · 15/01/2011 13:18

Def go see friend & Mum, you may well be back to help pregnant lady anway and you can certainly be around to help afterwards.

YOu could ring community midwives and see if they know of anyone else who would consider helping out? Or at least make them more aware of the situation.

Original poster

QueenOfFlamingEverything · 15/01/2011 17:09

she is hopefully being transferred to local hospice after the weekend, this is what she wanted if too unwell to be at home

friend says she has become very confused now

am planning to go monday afternoon for the night

can't take dp and dd as will have to go on train, its london, have never driven on motorway before, only passed test recently. not about to try it for first time when upset and with kids in car.

OP posts:

ilythia · 15/01/2011 20:08

train very good idea, driving back when upset is not good (voice of experience)
Tell your PG friend that you will be away for 24 hours, she will understand, ambulances are there if she needs one, and it's not as if you are skiving for no reason.

Sorry you have to do this though.

IckleJess · 15/01/2011 20:19

Please go to your friend and her mum. I know when my mum had just days left I would have been so grateful to have had the support of a friend :(

I'm so sorry for you and your friend, it's a terrible thing to go through xx

TheMonster · 15/01/2011 20:21

Does your friend want you to be there? It's not clear from your op.

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