advice on 'confronting' my cleaner/mothers help

[monkey]

I'm useless at confrontations, but need to raise disasatisfaction with my cleaner/mothers help, and would appreciate ideas on how to go about it. I employed her to help me out, as I do 99% of all household duties (cleaning, shopping, cooking, bills, childcare, car maintenance, the lot) as dh works long hours and is away at times. I'm due mid November & thought I'd get her to start now to check she fitted in & to help me when I get more pg & tired, and so the boys could get used to her well in advance of the birth.

She started about a month ago. In many ways she's great - no personality clash, she's nice to my boys & they seem happy with her. She's very flexible - she will clean, do the gardening, look after the kids, take them to playgroup etc. I'm happy enough with most aspects.

But the one problem is with the housework she is so slow, seems to be a bit selective & not terribly thorough. I aksed her to do an hour's ironing & she only did 3 shirts and maybe half a dozen toddler clothes & a couple of adult t-shirts. I think I can do nearly double that in an hour. Most days she's done housework I've thought she didn't get that much done (for this reason, I've tended to get her to tackle our jungle-garden)
Yesterday I was out & left a note for her to (in 2 hours)

1. hoover & clean (mop) front room & kitchen
2. hoover & clean (mop) toy room
3. clean bathroom & hoover bedrooms.

When I cam back she'd done 1 & 3, & not even touched 2. But she'd literally just hoovered & mopped, she hadn't wiped down the (filthy) window sills, or pile the papers up so at leats it looked tidy). I reckopn I could do 1& 3 in absolute max 1.5 hours. I really don't think it was too much do do in the time, and I was really p'd off that she skipped 2 altogether, as the floor is really dirty.

So, how do I tackle her 7 tell her I'm not happy at the speed she's working? Do I ask her to work quicker? Do I just say I'm disappointed she didn't get it all done, do I actually hint that if she doesn't speed up I'll get rid of her?

and that's the other thing, would it be better to put up with this, at least until i'm on my feet with the baby? or get rid of her quickly & get someone else & hope they're better? (I'm due in 10 weeks so not got too much time) Or am I being totally unreasonable & do you think it sounds like she's doing ok? I guess I'm just not comfortable with a cleaner. otherwise, esp. in garden she's great, but summer is ending, and I'm going to have less need for her in the garden & much more need for help in the house. She's coming tomorrow & I'm dreading talking to her about it.

Tricky one, Luchar. At the end of the day, you don't want your kids going back to her house & she should stick by that.

I think you really need to just say it matter of factly as soon as you next see her/she next has to pick them up. Does she pick them up every day? I would just say That you really want them to be brought straight home, & not to take them to her house even if they beg! And make it clear it's never, because if she gives in once, they'll want to go every time (even if they don't really want to, she's clearly trying to blame it on them, so make it clear that their wants regarding her house don't come into it, it's what you want.

the fact she's also your cleaner does complicate things. I'm sure other people will have some better ideas. I guess if you spell it out crystal clear like this & she goes against your wishes again, you'll have to terminate the arrangement & get someone else to collect them. A mixture of 3 different types of childcare seems really complicated. Is there anyway you could simplifiy it? What time do you normally get back, if she's keeping your kids at her house till 6? I guess you need to seriously start looking at alternative arrangements (both for childcare & cleaning) in case she ignores your requests again (and it seems quite likely). I would not be happy with someone looking after my kids if they blatanlty refuse to comply with fundamental requests.

I'd be very unhappy with this arrangement too Luchar. Of course it's lovely for her to be at home so she can get on with her own things and smoke in the house and get paid for it! As an ex smoker, I'd say I bet this is part of it. Can you call her today, before she collects, and reiterate your instructions? If she won't comply, fire her, definitely. It sounds as if you need to be quite firm as she has been taking the P for a while. You could always say I'm sorry but I've just heard of someone being prosecuted for childminding without insurance (so what if you haven't, it happens) and so if you can't bring them home I'm afraid I'll have to use a registered childminder. She's acting against your wishes and instructions and illegally (not to mention selfishly). substandard cleanign is one tihng, disobeying your explicit instructions re your children is quite another IMO. Good luck, let us know how you get on.

How did you get on Luchar?, thinking of you.

Hi everyone, thanks for your great advice! They were all at home when I got back last night at about 5.30 so I made lots of comments about how great it was to see them there and how happy they looked playing in the sandpit (with their pyjamas on!!) and then went on to say that this is what I want every night, so please bring them back here each day and do not take them to your house. She looked a bit taken aback and so I said it was nothing personal about her house, just that this was their home and it was what I wanted and that she was not to give in even if DS1 begged (nice touch that I thought thanks Monkey!!). I also explained about her not being insured and that we could get in trouble if there were any problems. I also said she could bring her (age 24) son with her sometimes for company if she wanted to (he is very good with the boys) as I am thinking that along with the smoking this might be why she wants to go back to her house.

It seemed to go very well and I am hopeful that she will now bring them home every day. If not I WILL confront her immediately instead of letting it go as I have got so wound up about all this and part of the problem really is that I do not say immediately when I am unhappy with something. From talking to her I think in the past that she has taken my I would like you to.. to mean that it is still optional and up to her to decide what to do so being very specific is what she needs. I do really like her and she is very good with the boys but so different from me that I think that there is a communication problem that I need to bear in mind.

It was extremely fortunate that it went well though because this morning DS2 was sick and could not go to the childminders. Fortunately his Nanna offered to help but I have had to ask the babysitter to pick him up two hours early. Although it is a pain having several types of childcare (a registered child minder for DS2, a free full time nursery place at the local primary for DS1, and the babysitter for both of them after school) it does give a bit of flexibility as they can cover each other if they (or children) are sick. It can be a logistical nightmare sometimes though and I will be relieved when DS2 gets his nursery place in January 2005 (thinking ahead!!). School holidays are a whole other ball game though - a mix of Nanna, baby sitter, DH and me! Seems to work at the moment and just got through the first summer holidays.

Thanks again for all your advice, it is very very much appreciated.

I'm pleased for you. I know my 'problem' wasn't anything compared with yoours, but the dread of confrontation can be awful, can't it? Glad you've got it over & done with & that you were able to lay down the law nicely but firmly. Hope she sticks to it!

Hi Monkey - thanks for that! And I do think your problem was just as difficult because it was worrying you too! It's really hard having someone working for you isn't it? I just want to get on with people and hate having to say that actually things aren't how I want them. I do it in all aspects of life - I think I need some assertiveness training! I find myself saying all sorts of things that I don't agree with just to keep the peace although getting a bit better at things affecting the boys!