I'm going to go in there and say it now.

[hallowcarla]

Relate or divorce. Let you know.

Good luck.

Blimey

Good luck, hope you get the response you want.

Good luck, I hope you get the answer you really want. You are very brave.

What do you want Carla?

Good luck. I hope you get the result you want.

He said "Yes, of course I will. I've said that before." ?????? "The real problem though, is your drinking."

Funny that. The psychiatrist they've given me says .... "The real problem is your husband, Carla."

So he's agreed to go to relate?

Yes, Caligula. But if you hate someone as much as we do, they've got their work cut out for them

Is it a psychiatrist's job to define your problems for you? How long has s/he been treating you? Do you think it might be difficult to have relationship counselling when one of you is having therapy separately?

If he's said yes, then will you be going?

God, MGR, hadn't considered that. I cancelled my last appointment, about a month ago, but hadn't bargained on that being part of the equation. For me, and for him, H was the problem.

HC, last year I gave my dp the same ultimatum as you have given yours. I, no, actually WE, are now in the privileged position of having couple counselling. It has been a revelation in some ways because I am finding that the things I previously defined as "the problem" are not necessarily the problem at all. Some of the problems have turned out to be that I am a poor communicator within the relationship, that I expect my dp to read my mind, that I treat him like a child, that there is a dynamic of "I am good, he is bad" etc etc. What I'd expected was that the counselling would identify my dp (and his drinking) as the problem - but for me it has identified our functioning as a couple as the problem. We are simply two individuals trying to meet our needs, neither of us is "THE PROBLEM".

We may still split up for good, but it feels very important to give our relationship this chance, and at the very least I am learning more about myself.

MGR your situation sounds spookily like mine. I know we've met on another thread, and you were amongst others advising me to try counselling. It feels to me like it's all about his drinking, but I'm sure that an impartial observer would be able to see the things that I could do to make things better. Trouble is, he refuses to go...

HI BJ
My dp used to scoff at counselling, he thought it was a waste of time, indulgent, ridiculous. It was only an ultimatum of splitting up that made him go, and he is now a great fan. He tells his mates in the pub that they should try it! I think many men have to be railroaded into it. In all honesty I think that without it dp and I would have NO chance of sorting our relationship out, as we really are stuck in all sorts of unhealthy ruts. With it at least we have a chance. That outside observer is so incredibly useful. One thought for your situation, have you considered going by yourself? Relate will see individual members of a couple, and at least you might benefit.

Sorry HC, I think this is a thread hijack.

Yes MGR I have considered going alone, and have told him that this is my plan. We're so clearly in a damaging cycle of point-scoring, and there are some big areas of resentment on both sides. I think it will do me good, if nothing else, to discuss all this with an impartial observer, particularly since I tend to put on a very normal face to the outside world, including friends.
Glad you and your DP are keeping things going.