Nightmare relationship with own mother

[Iggy]

Anybody else out there who really does not get on with their own mum? How do you cope ?
I decided to put this up after a comment my husband made today.
I have had a bad relationship with my own mother since the day I could remember. Dad died when we were young. I am the oldest. Was always a really rebellious child, with a mum like a sergeant major, Hardly spoke to her after I left home. The only way I could cope was to put distance between her and me so I left home.
Eventually went to work abroad. I still do the once a month or two phonecall or email thing and we pretend everything is Ok ( usually call when we know the answer machine will be on so can leave a message instead of having to speak to each other.Email is great for this! Ony did this so I would not loose touch with my sisters who were 11 and 12 when I left home. I was 22)
Have been married for 6 years now ( mum was not invited to the wedding cos I was sure she would make a scene and upset my wonderful mother inlaw, esp after the way she screamed down the phone at me whe I told her I was getting married.) Have 2 boys now, aged 3 and 4.5. Dh wants them to have a healthy relationship with all family so we take them back to visit once a year, and pretend all is wonderful, play happy families for a day or two visiting grandma in London and then its on to see my dh's family who are wonderful.
But recently, my mum suggested she come out to see us for a week. ( never believed she would ) and i developed permanent PMT ( my dh's words ) for the 2 months prior to the visit. She cancelled a week before she was suposed to come the the relief I felt was unbelievable.!!!! At this point my husband said " you really need to cope with this, she cant do anything to you, and you cant always live on the other side of the world to her, you know? What will you do when we eventually get moved back to the UK?"

Thats my problem in a nutshell anyway. My background is Asian, but I grew up in London. Left home, then joined an internat company, enjoyed a good career, first in the Uk and then overseas, for 11 years before getting married to a wonderful " white boy", (sorry if I am being un- p c.)My much younger sisters do get on better with my mum cos she became less harsh after I walked out at age 22 with one suitcase and 64 pounds in my pocket, and no job in sight. Never went back to sleep even one night at her house.

Trouble is I actually cant forget the harsh times as a kid. I feel if I make "friends" with her (even for the sake of my sons ) it would be like saying those years did not matter. Well they did matter and I still have a lot of resentment. I am now nearly 40 and feel that maybe I am behaving like a resentful teenager when I think of my mother but how do I move on? Sometimes I catch myself disciplining my sons and I think "Oh GOD I sound like her"
Arrghh, have just read this...and it sounds really garbled and jumbled. Thats cos if i actually take time out to think about what I am going to say i will change my mind and not post this.....I dont normally shout out about this, its usually just something in the background.. only my husband and my long standing best friend know some of the details ( though I suspect the wedding guests were wondering a bit... ) so here goes.

Iggy, I think she is trying to "undo" what she did to me by favouring DD (the eldest). It doesn't make it right!

Angelmother, my golden brother has 1 DD, a year younger than mine. Mum says she doesn't feel as close to her as to my children, there's always been a bit of a distance ( brother doesn't live with his DD). It may be because of our family set up (see thread on daughters) but you may find the same if your brother has children.

Tallulah can you point it out to her? Would she erupt or acknowledge the truth from you? How about dropping hints that her visit is wonderful for your dd, but your ds feels sad that his gran does not love him as much.
Angelmother - if I hear the words " we are just like sisters, i tell her eVerything" I am not sure I would envy it.
Besides, I dont want to be a friend to my sons ( dont have any daughters ), they will have plenty of friends but only one mother. I dont know if anyone else feels the same way or disagrees.

Iggy I understand what you are saying about you dont want to be "friends" with your sons as they have one mother but I think due to the problems I have with my own mother that is why I want to be "friends" with my dd's and also my sons.

I would like my children to come and discuss any problems they have without fear of any judgement or criticism.
I have 3 teenage dd's and believe me they tell me everything. Sometimes I get embarrassed when they start discussing sex but it is my job as a mother to try and point them in the right direction in life.

I put them on the pill at 14-15 yrs old so they would not worry about teenage pregnancy(they werent having sex at the time) it was a precautionary measure.Something my mother would never dream of doing.

Expatkat I understand about the "50's" moral code.It was like having a "nun" for a mother.

As I grow older I am very concious of the mistakes my mother made, I dont want history repeating itself.

I've just entered the website and strted reading the thread - I have a difficult relationship with my parents and with my husbands parents, a shame when we could all have a much richer life. I've come to realise that analysing the past and trying to understand their behaviour and our interactions is very often counter-productive, time-consuming and painful. I now see them less than once a month, and when it suits us all (and not just them) having worked at putting enough distance between us for me to be comfortable seing them at all. I feel I've had to grow up a lot in oder to really accept that they have their life and have made their choices, I have my own life now and that their opinions on how I live it just don't enter the equation any more. I think we all do the best we can, and as long as our kids know that they are loved and that you value yourself, by being assertive with your parents and by teaching yourself new behaviour and thought patterns, taking responsibility for yourself and your life, familial patterns will not be repeated. Put yourelf and your own famly first, focus on letting go of pain, disappointment, anger, guilt - I found keeping a diary invaluable for letting and working it all out. The answer lies within yourself, not in any self-help book.

Iggy, no she has a blind spot. It would just cause another row so it's better to just leave it. (She can't see that she treated me & my bro differently... we can't change the past but she won't accept that she is STILL doing it, and THAT is unforgiveable.)