coffee group training?!

[newgirl]

Does anyone else feel that sometimes real-life mums groups can be less than helpful? I have been really lucky and found some good friends through my local nct group, but I tell you, it has been hard work! I thought I would go and everyone would be on the same side, and wanting to share moans and laughs, but I found some people really unfriendly and some were very competitive. I feel like its like being back in the first term at college and I'm not sure what the rules are!!

Absolutely! When I first went to such groups with dd I felt straight away that I was an outsider. They seemed to be so comfortable with the 'mum' role, and I was still struggling to come to terms with it. They also seemed to know a lot about everything, and I knew little about anything! However as my confidence as a mother grew, my inadequacies soon faded and now I love going to the coffee groups - and I always make sure that I speak to any new person I see!

Newgirl - the rules are simple. Don't have anything to do with anyone who makes you feel a lesser mother. Life is too short.

Good advice Willow, that's why I avoid those things at all costs!

Have you not heard of the 'mummy mafia'!! They are everywhere - m&ts, outside school gates, on PTAs (don't get me started!), etc. There are nice people around but the thing I have learned is that, contrary to what I initially believed, the bond of motherhood isn't enough to get on with people and everyone still has their own agendas.

Do persevere if you feel - I have made a handful of really good friends through groups, but in the main I would have gone for my kids and endured it on my part! If you know what I mean! If you can ignore all the 'schoolground' antics keep going, if not avoid putting yourself through it!

thanks for the wise advice! i love the phrase mummy mafia - can't believe i haven't heard it before!i forgot to say that someone at my local group suggested a temporary ban on talking about babies when we went out and it worked really well! no more discussions about contented baby book, sleep training, little johnny crawled today etc. much better!!

I think the thing is not to assume that everyone else all knows each other and you are an outsider - our group has people joining and leaving all the time, so a new person could walk in, not realising that 2 or 3 of the others may only have been coming along for a couple of weeks themselves.

Also, don't assume that the other mums are as confident as they seem. I go through periods of feeling terribly inadequate as a mother, and felt that I just about survived the 1st 18 months by hanging on by my fingertips - but because ds is a bit older than some of the others, I sometimes find myself giving advice and think I sound terribly patronising. As if I think I know it all, and that really couldn't be further from the truth.

I suppose the main thing is to remember that a lot of the others are there for exactly the same reasons as you, and are just as keen to find new friends as you are (sorry if that sounds patronising).

I now go to an exellent mother and toddler group, all of the parents are friendly and understanding and they have someone in to talk to the group about varying things about every other week. Everyone is very open about everything and it's great fun for ds and myself.

But my previous mother and toddler group was a nightmare. There was so much back bitting about silly things and unruly toddlers rampaging around completley out of controll that I had to stop going.

So there are good ones, you just have to find them.

thank you jane 101 and jenie - wise words. its good to hear from someone with an older child because i think that can happen and i now realise that mums are just trying to make conversation. i think also people gravitate towards the mums with children the same age, and that isn't really necessary. in hindsight, i think it was trying to find the other new members of the group, but, as you say, thats not necessarily the point. i will try again with new enthusiasm!