I feel panicky whenever I think about having a second child

[thegruffalo]

Dear all,
changed my nickname for this one...
On current plan, I'd be getting pregnant again in about a years time. Had a miniscare this week, and felt TOTALLY panicky. This would be a bad time for work etc, but more than that the thought of having another child at all got me reall scared. I had PND last time, coped, survived, now quite enjoy ds(2). DH definitely wants another. I can see all the arguments for (except financially...) but burst into tears whenever I think about it. Does this mean I should put my foot down and stick with one? Or is this normal? Will it be OK if I do have another? If I got pregnant tomorrow should I have an abortion?? (Please don't anyone comment moralistically on that last comment - I know, I know, but lets not go there, this is just how bad I'm feeling). Nearly crying just writing this - hoping this is just normal?...

Poor you Gruff

I don't really know if there is any advice as such, as only you and your family know what is right for you and yours.

Just because you and DH have 'a plan' doesn't mean that you can't change your mind, be flexible, nothing is set in stone. It could just be that this 'scare' got you panicking becausde you know it is the wrong time. If I were you I would sit it out for a few months, taking every precaution you can against 'accidents'. If you still feel this insecure and unsure about a second child in a year's time then I would sit down with your DH and discuss it, perhaps put it off for another few months/years.

As for the PND I would speak to your GP about it, do your research. I can understand that you would be very scared of the PND returning and losing control again but please try not to let that colour your decision to add to your family too much. As you have a history of PND I'm certain that all the health professionals involved with any further ante-natal care would be keeping their eyes peeled for any signs and supporting you all the way.

As for the termination question, only you can answer that one.

WSM
x

Listen - I really want another child but when I think about it practically I go all stiff inside and just think 'no I can't'. Having seen and soken to lots of friends go from 1 to 2 is a big step but one everyone adjusts to. you have to sit and think about why / and if you REALLY don't want another child and then if you know for a fact that you can't go through it all again you need to sit and calmly speak to your husband about it. Don't cry and don't panic, just be careful until you know what you want to do.
It'll all be Ok, okay. I have to go but I'll be back later.
Lots of loive and a big hug {{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}

SEveral other women - already pregnant - are having this wobbly - can't remember name of thread but it's fairly self-explanatory.

I don't think you should feel you 'have' to have another child, for any reason at all; OTOH PND etc aren't guaranteed a second time. If you do decide to go through with it, I'm sure a second child will bring you joy because kids always do, but they are also wearing in every SINGLE way (and the finances, don't even go there). I love my new dd2, who's eight weeks today, but I would never, ever, try and urge people to have children, or more children, who didn't want to. Does this help? You're normal! (if that's a consolation coming from me

I really hope you don't get pregnant again till you want to, honey.

I think you should take the pressure off yourself. Having just one child is fine - having 2 or 3 or more is just as fine. And the intervals between children can be anything you like! Mumsnet has mothers of all different numbers of children with the whole spectrum of age gaps.
Regardless of any plan made in the past, you can have another child or not, if and when you want to, and if the thought makes you panicky right now then just stick with the contraception!

If you got so panicky after having a scare then it sounds like the time isn't right, gruffy. But then that doesn't mean it might never be right. You might suddenly want your ds/dd not to be an only child. But some people feel their family is complete with one child and couldn't imagine another.
I'm 6 weeks pg with planned 2nd child and I'm apprehensive!

After my dd, I use to get cold shivers thinking about going through it all again. I found the first 20 months or so of my dd's life a nightmare. Despite this, I still used to feel extremely guilty about not 'naturally' wanting any more - especially when some friends of mine went on merrily having their second/third. However, it is only recently in the last few months, that I feel ready (in a sense) to have another. Even so, I still get nervous about it all. At the end of the day, only you can decide whether you are ready or not to have another child, and whether the time is right - you need to be happy with your decision.

Dear Gruffalo - I do understand how you feel, I would never, ever want another child & would be devasted if I got pregnant accidently - 'fortunately' I am 45 and there is absolutely no pressure from anyone for me to have another child - although DH would love another, he accepts that I am ancient! (no offence to anyone having a baby at 45).

I do feel that society 'expects' families to have 2.4 children and yes, you are in the minority if you deliberately choose to have an only child but you have to decide what right for you. Please don't allow your DH to pressurise you into having another child if you really don't one.

Why not relax for a while, not think about it too much - but be strict with the contraception!!

Oh, I'm right there with you. I adore my ds who is nearly two. So enjoy being his mum, never had PND and have no 'excuse' except I am terrified of losing my lovely life, not being able to work so easily, the COST OF CHILDCARE!!! Also my dh is not desperate as he is 46 and has a son and daughter (dd from previous relationship) already and is worried about age and pushing his luck. I don't have forever to make up my mind though as am 40. OTOH I love being a mum, don't want ds to be an only child (even though all the evidence is that they do spectacularly well in life - more so than other kids) and think that when we get old and feeble it will be better for him to have a sibling to share the burden with. Mind you, reading Mumsnet, it is spectacularly clear that siblings do not always end up even on speaking terms, let alone as friends.

hi Gruffalo. I was one of the people who posted on the other thread mentioned, I'll see if I can find it for you in a minute. Although I am scared (am 27 weeks pregnant) I do know I'm doing the right thing since this is a very considered and wanted baby. Before I got pregnant though Dp and I had huge long discussions about everything that worried me. Just so you get an idea these were: am I too old; will the baby be OK; can I cope with sleepless nights and babyhood all over again; will I get pnd again; won't we be poor for ever; will I die in childbirth and so on. Some of these still worry me mind you.

Anyway, I'm going to have a six year gap and although I'm not with ds's father I wasn't ready for another child until now. So I suspect I'd have been scared with a 2 yr gap too even had I stayed with dh. Equally, a six year gap means I was just getting my life back and now we're going to be back to square one as far as children go. Anyway, I suppose I'm trying to say I think I know the feelings a bit and maybe you need to wait even longer. Have you tried working out what's at the root of your fear? Have you discussed it with your dh? What happens if you try to make a list of all the things that worry you? Are they things you can control (like work, where you live) or other things? I agree with everyone who says don't have another if you don't really want one but I also think there's no rush and you could tell your dh you want to wait even longer or maybe not have another at all. I do think it's a bigger deal for you than him and he should understand that. And yes, I do think you sound normal! HTH.

Hi thegruffalo, I'm also one of the ones who posted in the other thread (can't remember the name of that one! - sorry pregnancy brain). Anyway, I am now 21 weeks, and I have a 17 month old. Our 'plan' was to attempt to get pregnant sometime next year, but we had an accident. My advice to you would be to be extremely careful with contraception. Get on the pill, get the patch, coil, or be sure to use condoms or diaphragm religiously. I was very upset initially, but surprisingly, I am now looking forward to having this baby girl. We know. Anyway, I just want to tell you that you have company, and if you would truly like to avoid going against your 'plan' and disappointment, please be careful. HTH.

I came on Mumsnet today to start a conversation very like this one. WWW can you find the link to the thread you were talking about? I am 38 weeks pregnant and already have a darling, divine dd of 22 months.
The reason I wanted to post was that I am beginning to worry about how much I am dreading the birth of my son (we know he's a boy). Well, maybe dreading is too strong a word. Not looking forward to it. It sounds horrible, and I am almost ashamed to write it, but I feel nothing for him at the moment - no excitement, no maternal feelings, just a feeling of oh my god, how will I cope with it all. I am not really a 'little baby' person, I found the first 6 months quite tedious and exhausting and only really started enjoying dd when she began to turn into the sweet, funny, wilful person she is becoming. The older she gets, the more fun it is for both of us. I feel a profound sense of guilt for what is about to happen to her in about 2 weeks time. I know she will love him, like I love my siblings, but still, she will no longer have my undivided attention and love. Suppose this is 'good' for her. But maybe because she and I are so close, I am worrying that I won't love my little boy as much, or won't bond with him once he's born. I certainly haven't bonded with him while I am carrying him. It sounds even more horrible (am I really this person??) but part of my problem I'm sure is that I didn't want a boy. I was absolutely gutted when the sonographer told me. Am I abnormal? I certainly feel it.
Dp reassures me that I experienced very similar unmaternal feelings about dd when pregnant with her - but I don't remember feeling this detached. Does this mean I will have PND? I am really laying myself on the line here, feel like such a dreadful, vile person and so ashamed of my feelings. Will it all be OK once he's born? Thinking twice about posting this. But 'feel the fear and do it anyway' - can't bear sitting on these feelings any longer. Here goes.

Cha, of course you aren't a horrible person. And I bet your dh is 100% right when he talks about your feeling like this last time - and now look at you! I think we often forget things like that because it seems incredible when we think about how much we love our kids now they are here. Babies do get better & more interesting as they get older - I never thought that was true when ds was weeny, but I enjoy him more and more. As for not wanting a boy, I think that may have a lot to do with the 'stereotypical' idea of a boy - unloving, noisy, destructive, etc etc. Remember, that's just a cliche in a rather boy-disliking society at the moment. My ds is so unlike that. He's lovely and chatty and cuddly and kind and a bit soppy. Adores animals and books and doesn't care about cars. They are all different and, apart from the fact that I can't buy him baby dresses at Monsoon baby, I couldn't be happier with him. As I have posted, I have my doubts about another child and would also feel guilty like you about 'imposing' a baby on ds, but then again, last week I went to see a friend of mine who has a nearly three year old and a new baby, and the little boy was so pleased and delighted with his little brother. He told me, "I always wanted a baby'!! I bet you will feel very differently when he is born. A lot more tired for a start (er, joke )

Cha - thought I wanted a girl but got ds. Now can't imagine why I ever wanted a daughter. Ultimately it's irrelevant - first and foremost they are your beloved child.

Hi Cha, sorry you're feeling like this. Had a quick look earlier but couldn't find that thread but will look again in a minute. I do know what you mean about not looking forward to it, honestly. My poor dp keeps being asked if he's looking forward to being a dad (this is his first) and he says "no because she (i.e me) keeps telling me it's hell on earth for the first couple of years". Poor bloke! I'm feeling guilty for that now because there are good bits and I do love my ds to distraction but I did feel duty bound to tell him how hard it was going to be. Especially since he's Mr I Like My Sleep and is grumpy if he gets under 8 hours. (insert evil laugh here, he does know he won't get 8 hours again for a loooooong time). I'm not a baby person either, much prefer them at 4 years plus if I'm honest but I also know that all the hard bits DO pass and it really really is worth it. Whenever I've needed reminding of it during this pregnancy I've looked at ds and then I do know it will be worth it. Sorry, I know that sounds incredibly soppy but it's true.

On the sex front, when I was pregnant with ds I found out he was a boy at 17 weeks and I wasn't happy - I always wanted a girl. But I had time to get used to the idea and he is wonderful, great company and sweet and funny and I'm mad about him - I promise you you will love this one too. I felt negative about this one when I was told it was a boy too (NOT because I don't love ds but because I know I don't want any more and it was my last chance for a girl) but we've now been told it's a girl and I can't believe how much happier I feel. So I do know the feeling about not being happy with the sex you're having but you'll have one of each and you will love your boy, I'm really sure of it. I felt the same but now I wouldn't change my lovely boy for anything. I'll see if I can find that thread.

P.S. Wanna swap some Action Men for Barbies?

Cha, how nice you will have one of each! I wanted one of each, but will be having my second girl in December. The grass is always greener on the other side I guess. Also, I feel no connection to my DD, and didn't with my first either. I don't think it's unusual. In addition, she doesn't move around much in my tummy, so it's hard to even understand the reality that I am carrying a little baby. I think you'll be fine once DS is born.

I think it's the November/December Babies thread. Don't know how to link it here, but I think that's it.

It's under the topic: Pregnancy: November/December Babies. Is that the right one, WWW?

Hurrah! Found it at last, this Miseryguts thread is the one I was thinking of but there was another too, First pregnancy and labour too awful to consider another child I know it's too late for us Cha but these threads really will show you you're not alone I hope.

Funny conversation re sex of child - I was sure I was having a boy, so were the strangers on the street, midwives, friends etc etc and that's all I wanted, so pleased I was having a boy - perfect, didn't want a girl at all. Had a girl. I'm so happy I have a girl I can't tell you!!! Really can't imagine having a boy even slightly now. But point is that it works that way with everyone I know. You expect one thing - think it's perfect and just what you want and then you get the other and realise that this is what was perfect actually! So funny.

Cha - bless you, I realy think, no I beleive, I know that it will all be ok, I really do. I think when I get pregnant I'll feel the same as you to be honest and I bet millions of others mothers do and will feel the same as well.
I've always wanted 2 or 3 children, now Lottie is here (no 1) I can't imagine being able to have another, she's my world, how can someone else be my world too? But people all over the universe have more than 1 child and it's always OK isn't it, it all works out. We give our precious 1st born a playmate, someone to boss around, kiss, argue and learn with. It'll be wonderful. She'll always be your special first born child and yes she'll have to share her mummy but with a wonderful baby brother. Whatever time she misses out on with you will be made up in the time and love she and her brother give each other. I do understand how you feel, well I can imagine how you feel becasue I'm not in your position, but I just so badly want to reasure you that everything will be OK becuase I know it will.
bug hug {{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}

I'm so glad this thread was started - thanks thegruffalo!

I too have terrors about a second child. I do want one (I'd like 3 kids in total), and I'm feeling sort of clucky, but the practical side of things fills me with horror.

I like my life now, I'm beginning to get freedom back again, I don't want to give it up.

What if my ds hates the new baby - how could I do that to him?

How could I not give him a sibling and leave him as an only child - he's really sociable and it would be nice for him to have a sibling.

The birth. Oh. My. God. Not again. Please.

The shock of 1 to 2 - I'm not sure I could cope.

Having to go back to an itty bitty baby again, and having to go through all that again before they get chatty and interesting. I'm absolutely besotted with ds now but in retrospect I wasn't a good mum of a baby.

The guilt of not being able to give number 2 the same attention ds got.

And I know this is a common one, and it's really silly, but I feel it anyway - what if I don't love the next one? What if it's a really difficult child? Ds is really quite good and yet I still struggle - I can't be as lucky again, can I?!

Argh.

Thanks very much everyone, I DO feel better knowing I'm not just an evil witch of a mother...
Still really hope I don't get pregnant before ds starts school - we simply couldn't afford another £7k a year nursery fees (oh no, it would be more for a tiny baby, wouldn't it...). But then he'll be 4 so might get jealous - but hes really sociable so maybe deserves a sibling - etc, etc, you all seem to have the same feelings so you know what I mean! Can't say how much better I feel knowing I struck a chord though. Hoorah for mumsnet!

All so topical for me (although I'm the opposite, I'm desperate to get on to no.2) - isn't Mumsnet great!

thegruffalo - I reckon that if it was the other way round, that your DH was the one who wasn't sure that you would definitely be waiting - at least that's how it is in this house. And it annoys me, why do I always try to be sensitive to his needs? Anyway, I feel for you, hon.

Cha - I so agree with you about the 1st 6 months, and that is one reason why I want to get no.2 on the way as quick as poss, so that the baby stage of my life is over quickly, and I can have fun with toddlers etc.

According to my GP I sleep to much to be having PND, but was recommended to a counsellor. I've discovered that there are other issues from way back as to why I want to get on and have the 2nd so desperately (basically as a 2nd child I find it hard to deal with the attention ds is getting, OMG, put that crudely it makes me sound really selfish, there is more to it than that, or maybe not ...). It was constant crying that got me along to my GP in the first place, and I am feeling much better now.

Just previewed this, and realised I really should change my name for this post too. But can't be bothered, and everyone is so supportive anyway

I had pre-natal depression with dd and was terrified of getting pregnant again in case it all came back. In fact it was so bad, the midwife suggested sterilisation for me. Nearly 3 years later I got pregnant again, and it was a shock, another unplanned pregnancy! I didn't comtemplate an abortion because that just wouldn't be me, also I knew how much dd would love a sibling and I knew that dh would also be quietly pleased. However I was scared, and angry. Just when my life was getting back on track, here I was pregnant again. I felt trapped.

Anyway, the pregnancy seemed to go normally. I hate the whole pregnancy thing anyway, but I was feeling able to cope and thought that perhaps things would be different this time. But at around 19 weeks pregnant I realised that the depression was creeping back in. Dh noticed the mood swings and detachment, then I had a couple of really bad weekends where I just lost it. I can't describe how much hold it has over you and how it just seems to sweep you in, if you've had PND you will know. I went straight to my GP and midwife, who referred me for a Community Psychiatric Nurse. I am now 23/24 weeks pregnant, and although I'm not enjoying it, I am winning. I have lots of support this time round, I'm trying various self-help methods and more importantly, I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. When I look at dd now I cannot believe how I felt towards her when she was in the womb. I cannot imagine life without her, and I know that it will be the same with this one. It is a struggle, and quite frankly at times it is exhausting and you wonder if it is all worth it. I'll have to answer that when this one is born! But no doubt it will be. You'll be amazed at what you can do, at what your body and mind can cope with.

I hope you take some comfort from all the messages on here, enough for you to know that you are far from alone! We really should start up a group called 'The Disgruntled Pregnancies'! Don't be afraid to voice your fears or feelings, and don't be afraid to seek help. Best of luck to you all!

After this first year of dds life where ds1 took every oppertunity to knock her, hit her, make her cry - well, last week was a sweet moment as they both played hide and seek, hiding from mummy, behind the curtains.

so-o-o cute seeing them play together, its so-o-o worth it (eventually!)

I am 25 wks pg and was fine about having number 2 until dh got a contract in Amsterdam and will work away 4 days per week - now I am panicing - how will I cope 4 days on my own with newborn and 3yo....!!!!