Have I got my priorities wrong?

[mamajinks]

I feel awful. I have just sent my sister a really snotty email in response to an equally snotty one she sent to me. I did it in the heat of the moment and now I'm wishing I hadn't. To get straight to the point, in just over two weeks we (me, dh and ds) are moving from London to West Yorkshire. We currently live in a rented flat and we have to leave it clean and respectable in order to get our deposit back. This weekend we are going up to Yorkshire to finalise things with the house we are renting there which leaves the Bank holiday weekend as the last full weekend we will have for packing, cleaning and painting. Ds goes to bed at about 9pm these days so neither dh or I is in the mood for working in the evenings.

Ages ago, my sister and I talked about us all going to her place in Brighton on the Bank Holiday weekend. At the time none of us knew that we would be moving up North quite so soon. I had to email her to blow her out and she sent me the most unpleasant email along the lines of "Well, I guess you just need to do YOUR THING". I am so angry as the tone of her email implied that I was being selfish in cancelling her in order to sort out the flat.

In addition to this, I have also had to cancel a friend for this Saturday, as I need to meet our future Landlord at the house we are renting in Yorkshire on Saturday afternoon. This friend phoned me twice to tell me in no uncertain terms how let down she felt and that she probably won't be calling me again, EVER!?? I am utterly gobsmacked by her reaction and don't know what to do.

Am I selfishly neglecting the needs of my sister and friend? Am I making the wrong decisions here? I thought I knew what I was doing but their reaction has left me feeling positively evil.

I don't think either of them understands the situation I am in at the moment, neither of them have children, they both own their own lovely properties and my sister is currently on an 8 week jolly around the world which is why we are conducting our arguments by email. At present she is being very angry with me from the comfort of a luxury beach resort in Hawaii.

On a final note, I called dh for some support but he went off into a massive rant and called my sister a fing btch which really got my goat - you know how it is, nobody calls my sister names ..... except me of course! So now I've fallen out with dh. I can't do anything right.

Sorry it's such a rant, anybody got any words of advice?

You are not being selfish at all - unfortunately people who do not have kids do not realise the amount of juggling mums have to do in order to fit everything in.

As for your DH give him a break he is probably just cross that she is treating you like this.

Good luck with the move up to Sunny Yorkshire (???)

I thought how strange to both your sisters and your friends reactions until I read the words "neither of them have children". That says it all.
Although in my opinion the move itself is a good enough reason to have to change the arrangements and the "kids" thing really doesn't even enter to it. Some people are just too selfish for words.
Just what you didn't need on top of a stressfull move.
{{Hugs{}}}

I don't think you are being selfish either - it's not even a question of priorities, these are things that you HAVE to do.

Just a thought though - do you need to cancel arrangements often? And at short notice? Perhaps it more than than one occasion like this that is bothering them - their reactions seem a bit OTT. (not suggestions that you do, it's just a thought)

I do notice now that it's harder to balance my social life - esp as I am the first of my peers to have a family.

I can understand why you are narked with your DH but he is just getting angry on your behalf - it's sweet really.

Yep- "neither of them has children" sums it up really. My SIL lives on a different planet most of the time and when we first had ds1 we had these sorts of rows all the time. Things improved when her best friend had kids. I do tend to try to leave the moaning about SIL to dh, but I have ot admit to having been pretty rude at times in the past- remember it'll be upsetting and annoying for your dh too.

Thanks everybody for taking the time to read my message and reply, it is much appreciated.

Eefs - I would understand totally if I did this kind of thing regularly, but the opposite is true. I am very conscientious about making commitments and sticking to them. The friend in question is however, very unreliable. The last three times we have arranged to go out together she has cancelled for one reason or another to the point where it has been quite hurtful. Last time, I arranged to go to her house to pick her up only to find that she wasn't in. I waited for 30 minutes (she's always running late) but still no answer so I gave up. When I got home there was a message on my voicemail saying that she wasn't feeling very well and had been in but couldn't come to the door. I was absolutely mortified!

The time before that she invited us over to dinner and suggested that I call her that afternoon to finalise the time. I called her at 4pm when she told me that she had been sunbathing in the park all day and could no longer "be arsed" to go to the supemarket to get anything for dinner, did we mind bringing a pizza!!!

I won't even start on my sister except to say that I have always been there for her. She had a particularly nasty break up with a boyfriend a few years back, they lived together and she walked out on him. When she was with him we hardly ever saw each other so I was surprised when she calld one morning in tears and asked if she could come and stay for a few days. I was living in a flatshare at the time but said yes. She came and a few days turned into 7 months during which time she shared my bed and paid f'all rent.

Typing this I feel like a right bloody mug. Dh says that because I have always been there for them they get upset when I'm not. I think I've been a bit of a doormat.

OK so they haven't got kids but for f's sake have neither of them ever moved house?
If you want to bother with your 'friend' again, and of course you'll be speaking to your sister again - I'd just make them both feel really bloody guilty! Tell them that the move is stressful enough and you were gutted yourself you had to cancel fun things with the people ypu loved and their reactions just made you feel awful and you couldn't understand how they weere being so angry etc etc.

People without kids really don't understand - it's not completely their fault that they don't either!
Seems as though both your sister and friend really love to spend time with you, so there is clearly a lot of positive stuff going on between you.
I would say don't let this issue come between you if you can possibly help it.

Not selfish at all. Your sis is the one who is being selfish and sounds like she is used to having things her way and is upset that you're not doing what she wants you to do.

Agree with Thomcat. Your 'friend' sounds absolutely horrible BTW. The not coming to the door thing was plain nasty - not to mention weird
.

I think you should listen to your dh. He sounds pretty perceptive when he says you've always been there for them and they are pissed of now you aren't. I know he shouldn't call your sister names - always gets me when my dh criticises any of my family even mildly and even when they deserve it - but it is nice to know that he is doing it because he loves you and is cross about their behaviour on your behalf.
I'd phone up dh and say "you aren't allowed to call my sister a bitch but you are right, she is being a really silly bitch over this one" - go ahead with your moving/cleaning etc plans, - tell your sister that "YOUR THINGS" do have to take priority sometimes, hope she is having a great holiday and you'd love to see her at your new place once you are sorted - and send your friend an email saying you are sorry that things have coincided this weekend, but you have to give your househunting etc priority. You hope she understands but if she doesn't then you are sad but that is her decision.

And then go and look after yourself and your family with a clear conscience!!

pph - i agree that dh has been perceptive and I'll take your advice on that. Not sure I'm up to writing to my friend yet, I'm still too angry but will bear it in mind for the future.

aloha - Weird! Tell me about it but that's just the tip of the iceberg with this friend. We used to share a flat and I have seen her lose friends in the past because of her odd behaviour, she expects a lot from people but doesn't give much back. Her life hasn't always been plain sailing and I've always felt sorry for her and perhaps been more patient than most people would be but now it looks like our friendship is going the same way. Sad really.