Home Alone....at last !!!

[Tireless]

I am sitting here with a coffee feeling very smug and relaxed, why...? because my husband has just taken the children out for the day for the first time (age 2 and 5)

When i say for the day i mean ALL day! They are going out for lunch followed by the park followed by tea at grandmas, all on their own !!

This feeling of achievement got me wondering, how many of you are so used to this little scenario that you almost take it for granted.
I am always asking him to take them out on his own i cannot believe it has just happened.

I tell my husband every saturday that the park/swimming pool/ball pit is full of dads and their children, but he thinks i'm exaggerating to make him feel bad!!

So come on which of us is right! how many of you have pretty regular breaks with husband whisking the kids off somewhere, or are the majority of you like myself, in that it's a rare occurence and that if he does take them out he either thinks he deserves a knighthood or a week in the bahamas to recover!!

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Tireless, good for you that you've finally got a day to yourself! Like Bloss I don't want to seem like I am boasting but my partner has the children to himself each week; when I go to a t'ai chi class, when I go swimming and on Saturdays he often takes them out with out me. It works both ways. He will take them swimming or shopping or (in the case of the eldest when the baby is in bed) to the cinema. Sunday is family day (although I am cheating at the moment 'just checking my e-mail')whilst everyone else washes up after lunch (as I cooked). My partner gets time out usually of an evening for his hobbies etc., I agree with Bloss; it seems more normal to us that both of us get time alone with the children, space for ourselves and family time.

Both my husband and i work full-time and our child who is 18 months old is looked after by my sister. We share the parenting. During the week my husband makes all the evening meals and prepares my childs daytime meals for the next day. At the weekend I cook and we do lots of family things together but if need be we also get an hour or two on our own. For instance yesterday I went to the gym for an hour whilst she slept, my husband went out to play football for an hour whilst I looked after the little one. He has taken her to his mums for the weekend on his own. Friday afternoon is their special time as he finishes work at 1pm and they go to the park or for a nice walk. I could not and would not imagine how difficult it must be to rarely get a break. I'm sorry but I would have to insist that its a two way thing, regardless if I worked full time or not.

My husband and I both work full-time, me at a paid job away from home, and him at home where he runs three businesses, including the farm! Our little boy (26 months) is in daycare 4 days a week but spends all day Friday at home with his Dad!

On weekends, I take ds to swimming lessons Saturday mornings, then we all have lunch together, ds goes to sleep and dh and I catch up on house/office work. When ds wakes up, his Dad takes him off up the paddock to check cows/pump water/check fences etc while I have time to myself. Sundays are similar, ds spends time with both of us separately and together.

During the week I spend the majority of time with ds. Getting him up in the morning, fed, dressed and off to daycare. Picking him up, cooking dinner, getting him ready for bed, story etc. Dh does bath ds, though.

My husband would love to be a house husband. He has our son for the odd hour in that time they will play, have a bath or have tea, this is normally when I go to the ponies. I do tend to do most stuff around the house etc as dh works long hours. Im not very good at leaving our son maybe when im not breastfeeding him anymore I know he will not depend on me so much. My husband cant wait to be able to take him out and about, especially surfing together, I have a feeling when he is older I wont see either of them much, they will always be off doing 'father & son' stuff. I will just have to get myself on that list of expecting mumsnet members.

Tireless, I'm glad you raised this topic. My home alone time is virtually nil.

The bald facts are: My sons aged 2 and 7 are my constant responsibilty at weekends. Weekdays I work away. Each evening I do the bed time routine (2 - 3 hours) alone with them. My husband takes it totally for granted that from the minute I walk through the door I am in charge of my sons.

However there is more to it than this - though to my mind it doesn't let my husband totally of the hook!

He also spends lots of time alone with our sons. He works for himself and with less hours and more flexibility, he looks after them when they are ill, takes them for haircuts, doctors and dentists appointments etc. And I take this for granted, too. He also does most of the school and childminder runs both ways and looks after our sons until I get home eacah evening.

At the moment he's in charge of them for two weeks, (no school, and our childminder is away). A few years ago he was a full time house husband for about 18 months while I worked a 6-to-7-day week (a temporary arrangement, I hasten to add !)

However, this arrangement has left its legacy: my husband feels that when I am around, I will want to, and indeed should, spend my all my free time with our sons.

I now work a 5 day week, so I feel that having the odd few hours to myself at weekends is not an unreasonable desire. But at the moment I'm not really fighting for it. I'm biding my time. I know my husband becomes more and more involved in our sons the older they get. A year ago he was still reluctant to look after our youngest son. Now he thinks nothing of it. He will usually choose to have my oldest son with him for the day rather than send him to his pre-booked holiday playscheme.

In a couple of years, my oldest will be increasingly independent and my youngest will be past the toddler stage. Then I intend to claw back more 'me time'. There is light at the end of the tunnel - I hope!

I read somewhere that a fathers time is his own unless specifically asked to do something with his children, whereas a mothers time is her childrens unless specifically doing something else! This seems very true in our house - dh often sits down for half an hour with the paper at the weekend, whereas if I sit down I am immediately jumped on (often literally) by the kids with demands for stories, games etc.

However, to be fair to dh, he is great with the kids. Bathtime every night is his domain, and there are definitely some days when I'm exceedingly glad to shut the bathroom door and leave them all to it! Also, when I was training for my London to Paris cycle ride last year, he spent loads of time looking after the kids on his own, often for whole days at the weekend, which was really good for his relationship with them.

He's always willing to have the children - I think my only gripe really is that I have to ask, he rarely spontaneously removes them! Still, I suppose I can't have everything...

Yes,Azzie, getting me-time in the house when the family are around is, for me, a really tough chestnut to crack. It's OK if I go out for some time off , but trying to say to husband and sons that I am busy enjoying myself and not to be disturbed seems to confuse them all so greatly!

OK I can resort to claiming I'm 'working', a long bath (bathroom door locked) or bed (feigning headache). But being perfectly well, openly at leisure and anywhere else in the house is a no no. Yet my husband can and does spend hours on the sofa with his head in a book.

Without resorting to confrontation or mild deceit, who gets their family to happily accept that mummy is having fun at home and is temporarily off duty?

I keep trying to remind myself that all too soon they'll be surly monosyllabic teenagers who want nothing to do with me other than my duties as a chauffeur and as a source of funds!

What I would really like to be able to do is lie in bed in the morning and read a chapter of my book and drink my cup of tea undisturbed before getting up. Now that would really be something.

I think the key may be starting them off early. From when our son was 6 months old, I started college part time - one weekend each month. My partner at first was nervous I think - needing support from friends and family, but now (a year and a bit later) he actually offers to take our son for part of the day on most weekends (even when I am at home). I reckon if you make yourself unavailable a couple of times over the next few months, so that your husband has to take over - he will get into the swing of it and it may continue to happen once in a blue moon. worth a try anyway?

hi tireless i am lucky my other half has a job that when my son was very young he was able to do a four day week and i worked two days so it worked out very well i left on the days i worked friday and sunday at 745 am and hubbie got on with looking after jounior i tought it was great because he got to see that babys are not always well behaved for the hour when daddy got home he soon understood i was not sitting watching soaps all day i think you have to start the way you mean to contuine i think if you are trying to change him after two kids well best of luck just start small and work up he is more willing to do a small trip out first and not a whole day out first time

I can't remember having any time at home alone since our son was born 8 months ago! We both work full time, although at different times of the day, so we are both in sole charge of ds for roughly the same amount of time. However, when we are both at home, I seem to end up doing everything with our baby, whilst dh gets to read the paper/play with the computer etc etc. I honestly can't remember how this situation came about - it seems to have just crept up on me! Unfortunately, any suggestion from me that dh is not pulling his weight results in so much indignation and sulking that it doesn't seem worth it! Also, I kind of resent having to ask my husband to look after his own son so I can have the occasional break.Help!!

Sweetie, hi hope your having a good day. What would happen if you were not there. Your partner would be Ok with your son, wouldn't he? What I do is give my partner notice that I will be going out so that he knows that he will have to be with Nia. Sometimes I may go out, sometimes it is my time for some serious pampering. What I do do is prepare him. Sounds silly I know, but all the toys downstairs, meals set out in the kitchen, my mobile off etc. Basically, set the scene as if I was not there. He soon got the message and Nia well as long as she is happy she doesn't mind who is looking after her. At the moment its Grandma. Good Luck.

I consider myself lucky, as my dh has a job which involves shift work, he has always looked after our 2 while I've been working (as well as having a childminder to cover the bits in between). For us, this has been a necessity, as we live miles away from family, and if we had to pay for childcare for the 2 of them for the whole time I'm at work, then it wouldn't be worth me working. So he's got no problem with looking after them on his own. What he does have a problem doing is looking after them and doing anything else at the same time (sorry, he does manage meals and washing-up). He's off for the next 2 days, I'm working both days. The house needs cleaning, and there's a million other "little" jobs to do. He will do most things if I leave him a list, but my question is, why do I have to be the one who thinks about these things - why do I have to be "in charge"?
Also, when he comes home from work, he has no problem sitting down and relaxing, I can't do it until I've done the million things I can see need doing.
Reading this back, maybe it's me with the problem - perhaps I should chill a bit more, but it's just not in my nature. He does a lot of the cooking, thinking about it, so maybe I should shut up and stop complaining!

I recognise so much of what everyone's said. I agree that it's always the wife's job to do the thinking - my husband is only now realising how important that is. Like we'll be half way down the road before he says "I suppose we should have brought her something to eat shouldn't we?" Just as well he's got a wife to think about these things. Also, Azzie's right about men thinking that unless there's anything else they have to do, their time is their own, whereas any spare time of ours belongs to our family. When our baby has her nap on a weekend for example, I'll tidy the house while I get a chance, and he'll read his book.

This sounds really bad, but it's not. Bathtime was always dh's job (so much so that I was barely capable of it when our child was small) from the first day we got home, mainly because that's how it was when I was a child. Also, he takes her to nursery every morning, so they get time together on their own. And I've just started a scheme whereby we each take dd out for an hour on Sunday morning on our own (even though I go to Safeway & he goes to the park!)

Mummy - hubby is fine with ds when I'm not there (i.e at work)but when I am at home the little one becomes my responsibility.
I can really sympathise with Rosy and Emieswill re having to be in charge of everything connected with the baby. I get particularly annoyed about having to be in charge of supplies (and therefore to blame if we run out of anything). My hubby has been known to phone me at work to ask what he needs to get at the shops for ds. Why can't he just open the cupboard and have a look? Grrrr!

This all sounds SO familiar!!!
The phrase that REALLY makes my blood boil and want to commit murder is: You only have to ask!!!!!!!!! Why? Are they not his children too? Have we not been doing this parent thing for 9 years now? Why does he assume that he can just waltz out on a night out, go to the pub after work etc - all at short notice, or none - but I only have to ask!!! AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!
Sorry, needed to get that off my chest!