Advice please - dh does not really like my Mum

[Northerner]

My parents are coming to stay on Friday for 4 days. We only have a small house so it get's quite cramped. To make matters worse dh does not like my Mum. When we visit them he can put up with her - but when she is in his space it really gets to him, and everything she says and does annoys him.

To cut a long story short my mum is v different to his mum. His mum is quite posh, has always worked and is always immaculatly dressed and v slim and attractive. My mum and dad live on a council estate, my mum has never worked and is very overweight. I don't care as they are my parents and I love them dearly. They adore ds and can't wait to see him.

Big problem is my Mum for some reason is not big on personal hygiene and sometimes smells of BO (God this sounds awful when i write this)I really don't want to tell her as I know she will be upset, but dh is threatining to tell her to shower as it makes him feel sick. I know he is right, but how can I keep the peace. I just know I will be on edge all weekend.

Sorry if I'm waffling but it really upsets me that dh can't like my Mum the way she is.

Oooh, scuse me if I'm talking out of turn, but I would tell your dh to grow up. For your sake and your ds's. It's only 4 days.

Is your DH taking the piss?? I think your hubbie is being a bit pathetic; can't he put up with her for four days to keep the peace? What kind of wimp is he? Is he not a man?

That said, you might be doing your mum a favour by buying her some lovely perfumes & then telling her why (in private!).

hi northener,what an awful situation,couldnt you tell dh to go away for the time your parents are there?my dh loves my mum but if he didnt i will tell him to go,is no way i let him spoil my time with my parents,saying that when my dad visits he gets on dh nerves cos he talks too much,but he knows better than to upset my dad,one look from me and he wouldn`t dare say a word to my dad
is YOUR parents so you make sure you enjoy your time together,good luck

Northerner, what a horrible situation for you. I agree with whymummy - get your dp to go away for at least half the time - I can't see how you could possibly say anything to your mum - and then ask him to be decent the rest of the time. good luck.

Do you meet your parents often? If not then DP should be able to put up and shut up for 4 days - tell him it's for ds's sake too. I'm sure you put up (quietly) with his relatives too.

He could take your dad out for a round of golf or something to get him out of the house for a while.

BO is quite hard to take in some people though, esp if he hasn't got the loving bonds that you obviously have with your mum. Would it be possible to suggest, with this heat, that your mum might prefer to shower in the morning because the water pressure is too low in the evening/bathroom only free then/only hot water availbale then (or some such excuse to hint that you naturally expect her to shower at some stage during the day).

Message withdrawn

Well, there are enough people here on Mumsnet who can't stand their MILs so he's certainly not alone! I hate it when my MIL comes to stay even though I know she's a lovely person really and so kind to me. I just find her irritating, particularly on my home turf. HOWEVER, I do bite my lip, try to seem lovely and am polite. I think either he has to be out of the house quite a bit of the time or you organise activities in which you all have something to interest you - days out at a farm for your ds, to a stately home or even to the garden centre (he can't complain about BO if you are all out and about, surely!), go out to eat whenever possible, plus ask them to babysit one night so you can go out together for a drink to relieve the 'pressure-cooker' feeling he will probably be experiencing. Whatever you do, don't expect everyone to be happy squashed together at home. Also tell your dh how worried you are, that you know he doesn't much like her, but it would mean the world to you if he was nice to her for the very short time she is with you. Also point out that your ds adores her and she makes him happy but an unhappy atmosphere will spoil it not just for them but for you and ds too. I think he has to realise that you understand that he won't be delighted, but that you want him to be nice for your sake. You can't make someone like someone else - he didn't marry your family, he married you - but you can expect them to be civil and pleasant and yes, grown up.

Agree with other advice re splitting them up whenever poss too. Taking your father to the pub for a drink would be nice of him.

oh the joys of having in laws in a 'different social class' (not that i belive it exsist.) my kids grandparents live on the west side of town (the posh side) mine live in a mid range council area. i dont see my parents as lower class, or beneath the grandparents cos they have a council house, live on benefits (my dad is disabled and mum is his carer, but before that mum did factory work and dad was a postman), dont have big new cars or an imaculate house. however the ex-in-laws act like they are above everyone else. ex-hubby always say he is working class, mainly to annoy his mum who insists he is middle class and she goes on about how she has worked up from working class to own her home, cars etc etc. very materialistic. she has always looked down on me and my family, probably even more so now seeing that a few years ago me and ex had to sell out flat due to money worries. now we both have council/housing assiciation flats (shock horror!!!!). my ex didnt really like my parents, but thats cos my mum will speak her mind, and he just doesnt like it.
on the subject on BO, my mum suffers from it too. she unfortunaly doesnt have a strong sense of smell, has had ops on her nose to try and correct it. my dad just informs her now. its how they work thro it, it can be hard to tell someone u love that they pong a bit, but it saves my mum a lot of embarressment in the long run. or u could come up with a code, my friend hated the way her step dad told her her feet stank all the time in front of her friends (again another lady with no snese of smell) so he used to just ask her if her feet were cold. then she used to go off to wash her feet.

Thanks folks for your thoughts. I will speak to sh tonight about behaving himself. And I think I will have a quiet word with my Mum about her BO. Not looking forward to that but it will save her from embarrasment as I'm sure she is unaware.

Oops - that should be dh not sh!

sh - shit head husband/selfish husband?!