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Original poster

Would this be a wasted life?

28 replies

emkana · 07/09/2005 09:25

I'm still reading that Kate Figes book that sparked off that money thread the other day, and I've come across another thing that made me think. Two of the characters are talking about the grandmother of the family, and one of them says that the grandmother is very unhappy because she feels she has wasted her life by never doing useful, only having children. Now I understand that many women have felt this way, esp. in older generations, but it made me think - from your viewpoint, would you regard a woman who doesn't do anything with her life other than have children as having wasted her life? If it was her choice and she was happy doing nothing other than childrearing and "homemaking" (hate that word)? Does it make a difference what education the woman has, so say she has a medical degree and works for two years and then stays at home for the rest of her days...

would be really interested to hear your thoughts.

OP posts:
SleepySuzy · 07/09/2005 09:28

Whoa!! I haven't read the book, but having a child, not useful?? PAH!! I can not think of anything that has made me happier.

Angeliz · 07/09/2005 09:28

Absolutely not.
The key line in your post is, "if it were her choice and she was happy". Then it is an absolutely fulfilling life IMO.

Enid · 07/09/2005 09:30

I suppose women of her generation didnt have much choice, though thats the point. Lots of frustrated grandmas out there I suspect.

Jimjams · 07/09/2005 09:31

i think that someone who worked in middle management all their life and did nothing else would have had a wasted life!

I don't know that many of our grandmothers did feel like that. I've met women from that generation who did choose to do something else, and those who had children seem happy with their choice. Also know a lot who had children and worked (to make ends meet), so didn't have time to think about whether they should be expanding their minds. I think Kate Figes is a bit barking.

Lonelymum · 07/09/2005 09:35

No, if she was truly happy, how could having a child ever be considered a waste of life? I would be interestd to know what anybody, real or fictional, did with their time to make their lives at home so happy and fulfilled because I am finding it nigh on impossible, but I don't think a life is wasted just because someone with a degree doesn't use it or contributes to the world of paid work. What is so fulfilling and worthwhile about some paid jobs I could mention?(but won't for fear of upsetting some people!)

beatie · 07/09/2005 09:44

I find it hard to imagine someone going to their deathbed having done nothing with their life other than raise there children and continue to be there for their children. Perhaps there are people like this.

What about hobbies? Voluntary work?

If someone had lived their life, say 60 years, only keeping their home nice, cooking and cleaning, everyday the same monotomy, without outside hobbies, interests or friends - then yes, I would think they had lived a wasted life. I wouldn't think they had done it for their children though, I would think they'd have done it for their husband.

It only takes 16 - 20 years to raise a child. By that time, I would highly expect the mother to be using her time to do things for herself. No, that does not have to be paid work.

God - I know this is so badly worded. Forgive me - I'm just a few days off giving birth.

beatie · 07/09/2005 09:45

there should be their

Enid · 07/09/2005 09:46

dont worry beatie I agree

WideWebWitch · 07/09/2005 09:49

Emkana, the short answer is that no, I don't think it would be a wasted life, not at all. I hate this culture that says if it's well paid/contributing to the economy via taxation then it's valuable but if not then it's a waste. Having children is not a waste, but it's a shame that any culture contributes to this view, I bet that grandmother would have been influenced by a society that believes these things. We've got it all wrong you know

Gizmo · 07/09/2005 09:50

For me, it would be a wasted life. Raising kids is the most important thing I've ever done, but it's not the only thing I'll ever do, or want to do.

However, for someone else, it may be the fulfilment of a lifetime dream and all they really want to do with their life. Good for them, if they can achieve contentment that way: I'm not the sort of person who stands around saying 'my dreams are superior to yours'

WideWebWitch · 07/09/2005 09:51

I also agree that many, many women didn't have any choice at all and that's awful and very sad. I look at my dp's mother and she's bitter and resentful because she does feel she's wasted a lot of her life and not done the things she wanted to do because she was bringing up children. And that's tragic.

handlemecarefully · 07/09/2005 09:56

I think we can't possibly comment on what is a wasted life on behalf of other people. The only arbiter for this decision must be the person themselves.

For instance if I wanted to do nothing with my life but sit in a darkened room chanting 'ohm' and I am perfectly happy with this choice then I haven't wasted my life.

A life has only been wasted if it involves the person's innermost wants and ambitions being utterly thwarted, and they have existed in a state of paralysed frustration not able or willing to do anything about it.

WideWebWitch · 07/09/2005 09:58

WEll yes hmc, quite, I laughed at your ohm thing

harpsichordcarrier · 07/09/2005 10:04

www you are so right. I can't stand this "it doesn't count if you don't get paid for it, and the more you get paid for it the more important it is." warped is what it is.
getting and spending we lay waste our powers...

Caligula · 07/09/2005 10:18

It's a wasted life if you've spent it doing what you didn't want to.

It's not wasted if you enjoyed it.

beatie · 07/09/2005 10:20

Yes - all very true.

expatinscotland · 07/09/2005 10:21

Hmmm. Wasted life. When I think of that term, scumbags like Ian Huntley and Osama Bin-Laden come to mind; not people who chose to make raising a family their occupational choice in life.

wastedlife · 07/09/2005 10:38

Someone who is happy about her choice wouldn't think it was wasted?
Just writing on this thread as I did a medical degree as you mentioned in your example (7years at uni where I'm from),did various postgrad research degrees, moved country, missed out on family/friends gatherings etc as always too busy.
Then got pregnant and not completely out of choice bcame SAHM.
Altough I know that ds is much happier now that I'm at home with him, and although I enjoy seeing al the "first things" they do, feel I'm wasting my life. Well, maybe not my whole life but all the things I did for 20 years in my life has become wasted.
But to refer back to my first sentence I suppose I feel that way because it wasn't out of choice.

harpsichordcarrier · 07/09/2005 11:05

so what's the meaning of life then?? just thought I'd ask...
what about - creating beautiful things.
having satisfying human relationships.
being happy.
loving and being loved.

beatie · 07/09/2005 11:12

Something to love, something to do and something to hope for...

suedonim · 07/09/2005 16:45

I agree with Www's sentiments. My sister is really old-fashioned, has looked after her dh and children and is now widowed. Certainly, her life wouldn't do for me but it was her choice and that's the crucial point. I've no doubt women were frustrated in history, women like my teacher great-aunt, who had to give up work because she married, but thank goodness those days are long gone.

Freckle · 07/09/2005 16:52

Well, I disagree with the view that if you've spent your life doing something you didn't want to/enjoy, you've lived a wasted life. What you did do may have contributed enormously to society (not necessarily the economy), even if you didn't enjoy doing it.

I was discussing the value of paid/unpaid employment with a colleague the other day. He is a highly paid solicitor, as is his wife. They have no children. He was aghast that people value raising children so lowly. He thought that bringing up children was one of the most important jobs and one of the most difficult - he knows the value of being able to give back nieces/nephews/godchildren at the end of the day.

Possibly a wasted life is one where, when you've gone, no one remembers you.

Bugsy2 · 07/09/2005 16:54

I can imagine there must have been some frustrated women out there years back when there was no choice. Once you were married you had children, looked after them & your husband and that was pretty much that. I'm sure there must have been women who longed for intellectual stimulation or some relief from the endless demands of domesticity.
So, I imagine if you always yearned to do something other than rear children and didn't have the chance, you might feel your life was wasted.

CountessDracula · 07/09/2005 16:56

No is defo not a waste of time.
My mum did it and is a very happy and fulfilled person

RE homemaking it makes me PMSL - do they think women that work live in a box or something

kama · 07/09/2005 16:58

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