A question for Indian people, or anyone who knows

[arabella2]

Hi
My husband is Indian and therefore so is my MIL...
I really like her generally - she has a wry sense of humour and is a loving person if also sometimes very cynical and difficult when tired... At the moment she is staying with us and so are her sister and sister's husband from India. The sister and sister's husband are very traditional and so think we do things very strangely - non hierarchically etc... My MIL is not like that at all and has been telling them how things are different here etc... so has been quite supportive.
I have been feeling a little suffocated especially by dh's uncles chauvinistic attitude (which I think is peculiar to him rather than being an indication of his nationality) and so I have been glads to have MIL around. Then today my MIL made tea for the Uncle, one of her sons who is here and dh. She did not offer me any or her son's girlfriend. Her sister was upstairs at the time. She also didn't make any for herself.
This might sound like a slightly petty post but my question is why??? Why would you make tea and not offer any to the women?
Rationally I think the way the society is set up is that the men actually don't know how to do these things (though of course dh and dh's brother do) and so they NEED someone to make their own tea whereas the women can make their own if they feel like it. I have to say though that I was hurt... and thought it was a little rude. I know she doesn't particularly like her other son's girlfriend but we (MIL and I) do tend to talk quite a lot so I thought we got on better than that... Or maybe it's got nothing to do with that and it's just that she was making tea for the Uncle because she had to and her sons because they are her sons... I'm still hurt though. I do generally hold her up on a pedestal but this kind of things knocks it down a bit!
I would have made tea (after all I live here) but the Uncle wants Indian tea and my Indian tea is slightly on the over watery side!
Anyway, food for thought!

Hi arabella2 - I am indian but even I think this is rude. My family are very traditional but my mother would not dream of making tea only for the men. You say you and your MIL generally get on - could it be that she thought that you and the son's girlfriend would not want indian tea? I would mention it to her - not in a confrontational way though as there is no point in falling out over a cup of tea! Doesn't sound like she was deliberately snubbing you as you say she is generally supportive

Good luck!

I'm sure your MIL didn't realise she had hurt you in this way. I must admit I'm perplexed why she didn't make herself a cuppa and offer you one though. I'm from an Asian background and have to say that I have not experienced this. Maybe it was just an oversight on her part. Were you around when she was making the tea offers?

FWIW my family have the same traditonal views - non heirachy etc, and are shocked when I get my DH to help around the house and with DD too. Mind you so does my MIL and she's British ! But I just ignore them all, and don't tell them what I expect DH do anymore. Although DH himself is disappointed as he would like to be pampered and have his every whim attended to without getting up off his seat ! :D

You should just ask your MIL, if she's generally supportive of you & your culture, maybe she'll have a sense of humour about explaining the why.

I have a good friend who is Sikh, but she married "out" -- gasp!, to a White man. From what she says her native culture just panders to men, especially wives to husbands. Friend puts up with a lot from her husband that I wouldn't, and I think it's just in her programming, he'd have to be downright abusive before she'd leave him.

Message withdrawn

Sounds to me like a 'my son' thing, IYKWIM which I bet you do.

My mum is Indian, and although she wouldn't do anything like that she's always amazed that blokes (like dp, who's also half Asian) can do anything domestic AT ALL...mind you that applies more than anything to my English father!

while in india we were invited for dinner to a really nice familys house,the woman served all the food to dh but not me,i just had to help myself,she wasnt being rude just the way they do things,then the whole family sat on the floor watching us eat,they were really sweet but we thought it was quite funny as we had expected to eat with them,arabella just take it with a pinch of salt and don`t let it get to you

Hi there
It's happened again this morning, MIL is staying with us and this morning she asked dh if he wanted tea and proceeded to make one cup for herself and one for him. I then sat there with nothing fuming, I'm going to find it difficult not to sulk today... I asked my Dad what he thought about it and he said it was simply a case of the women know how to make their own, I take it as a real snub though. Grrrrr.....
That's when you realise you are not really family...

I would ask in a friendly tone if I could have a cup too! Then ask the guy to get off his backside and make us all a cup of tea next time (in a friendly tone of course)

Where does your DH stand on this? Does he notice, and would he be sympathetic as to how it makes you feel? Whether it is a cultural clash or a personality clash, neither make an ideal situation for your DH potentially caught in the middle. You know what will work best in the chemistry, but perhaps you could ask her directly, calmly, next time the two of you are chatting, "oh, BTW, I meant to ask, why don't you make a cup of tea for me? I really like the way you make it..."
My In-laws are Indian/Asian, and my DP makes a point of challenging the way his Dad bosses his Mum about, but he does it in a fairly subversive way. If his Dad makes a drink (alcoholic, he'd never make tea!!!) for him but not me, he will slide his drink across to me and say "Oh Dad, I don't seem to have a drink". If His Dad demands a plate of snacks in front of the TV, DP will leap up and do it, saying "you sit there, Mum, you deserve a rest" and then his Dad feels embarrassed to be served by his son. His parents are nice people, and I understand that my general liberated woman demeanor is at least as puzzling and sometimes downright difficult/potentially offensive as theirs is to me. Good luck, but you need to either shrug it off as one of those things (after all it's only a cup of tea) or find a way to talk to her about it, or get your DH to negotiate some kind of explanation, before a lovely relationship goes sour. And, IME, all in-laws come with a potential to drive you mad, whether the issue is cultural expactations or not. My Mum is far worse for my DP to live with then his for me! Good luck!

just caught up with this arabella 2 - if it makes you feel any better my mil does this too but she's not asian - just from cheshire. I just make a cup of tea for me and dh when she's around but as I've said elsewhere I'm not terribly nice really.

Asked dh about it and he reckons MIL knows I sometimes have a different drink (as at the moment), not so sure myself but decided to stop sulking and made everyone their drinks this morning so I wouldn't feel left out!

Still think it's a 'my son' thing. Never underestimate an Indian mum...