Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

What would you have done? What would you say now?

19 replies

Earlybird · 07/09/2010 12:38

Background: am a lone parent with dd. No family within 200 miles, and both of my parents are long dead. Have come to view extended family in the area (a cousin, her dc/their dc) as our 'family'. DD thinks of this cousin has her grandmum (and cousin refers to this relationship in same way), and cousin refers to me as her 'sister'.

Fast forward to this past weekend: there was a big community event at the park near our house. I arranged to go with friends and their dc. As we were sitting to eat our picnic lunch, dd comes running up and announces that the entire extended family is at the park, with a MIL along, and another family/their dc.

I was completely gobsmacked that this gathering had taken place without anyone in my 'family' calling to either:

a. Invite us to join them (clearly it wasn't last minute as MIL and friend were there with them)
b. Tell us they were going to be there, and hoped to see us there

Nothing. Cousin's dd came over and I could hardly speak I was so taken aback. Cousin's ds came over and I blurted out something along the lines of 'why didn't all of you let us know you were going to be here'? He mumbled an apology, looked a bit embarrassed, and after an awkward conversation - left.

Turns out they were all leaving as they had been at the park since 10AM (we arrived around 1.00). As I was finishing lunch with my friends, saw my cousin walk to her car and drive away. She never came to speak. Since then, no contact.

The ironic part is that if they had chosen to meet in the park near my cousin's house, I would never have known about it and wouldn't have bumped into all of them.

I don't feel this can be ignored, but don't know what to say. I feel completely disregarded, hurt and rejected.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 07/09/2010 12:46

Was the MIL on the other side of your cousin's family from yours?

To be honest, if I were doing a "thing" with one side of my extended family (say MIL and one of my SILs' families) I wouldn't tend to invite the other side (say, my brother and his DCs) along. It's generally easier to concentrate on one side at a time.

Also, you had plans to attend this event. Did you call your family to either:
a. Invite them to join you (clearly your plans weren't last minute as you had friends and their DC with you)
b. Tell them you were going to be there, and hoped to see them there?

Unless there's more to this than you've put in your OP, I think you are overreacting and should leave it be.

AMumInScotland · 07/09/2010 12:47

Well, surely they don't have to always invite you along with them to things they are going to, do they?

GypsyMoth · 07/09/2010 12:53

agree with amuminscotland...

Original poster
Earlybird · 07/09/2010 12:54

Professor - thanks for your perspective.

MIL is mum to cousin's dd's dh (if that makes sense).

I had earlier asked cousin what they were doing that weekend, and got a 'not sure' as a reply. I mentioned to her that we would probably be at the park.

I absolutely don't expect to be invited to every one of their family gatherings. In fact, I try not to rely on them too much. But, as this gathering was in the park near to me, was surprised that no one thought to say 'maybe we'll see you there' as it was so very likely we'd bump into each other.

I think it is a case of they are more important to me, than I am to them. I miss having a family very keenly.

OP posts:
DSM · 07/09/2010 12:57

Surely they are allowed to spend time together without you?

And, you went and didn't invite them, what is the difference?

DSM · 07/09/2010 12:59

Maybe if you feel this way about family, you should consider moving closer to your 'real' family?

Original poster
Earlybird · 07/09/2010 14:05

General feeling is that I am being over-sensitive and unreasonable. And I probably am. Thanks to all for your feedback.

DSM - my own family is completely fractured due to alcoholism. I have attempted to 'create' a different/more nurturing/loving family for myself and dd. But the undeniable fact is that we are extended family, and not the 'inner circle'.

OP posts:
sorrento56 · 07/09/2010 14:07

Did you tell them you were going? People are allowed to go to places without inviting others, I am not sure what you problem really is and what advice you think you need.

Original poster
Earlybird · 07/09/2010 14:11

My problem is/was that it felt like stumbling into a party we hadn't been invited to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Earlybird · 07/09/2010 14:12

And yes, I had told my cousin earlier in the week that we would 'probably' be there on that day when I asked about her plans.

OP posts:
sorrento56 · 07/09/2010 14:37

Maybe they feel they would like a bit less time with you?Sad Maybe they genuinely didn't know for sure if they were going if they had asked MIL and other relatives.

Original poster
Earlybird · 07/09/2010 15:26

If they wanted to have time to themselves without us (which they are, of course, completely entitled to do), it would have been more sensible/sensitive for them to go elsewhere - instead of a place that is literally our backyard, and where I had previously mentioned we'd probably be.

While I was stunned to find them all there (and it was a bit awkward, imo), I was not rude. I struggle with the fact that my cousin left without speaking to me.

That was not nice. Or kind. In fact, it was rude.

Which brings me back to the original question - I cannot pretend it didn't happen, but I honestly don't know what to say other than something along the lines of 'goodness, it was a surprise to realise you all were there. I wish you had called so we could have come a bit earlier, and had some time with all of you. And, by the way, why did you leave without speaking'?

It is just crap. I hate feeling this way. Sad

OP posts:
sorrento56 · 07/09/2010 15:56

I would be concerned that you would feel worse if you said that to them.

Original poster
Earlybird · 07/09/2010 17:48

You're completely right. I shouldn't address it. I have done nothing wrong. Her silence says it all really.

It is perfectly clear that this cousin is completely absorbed in her own family, and that she doesn't care about us. At least, not enough for us to count on her in any way.

OP posts:
mmmperuna · 07/09/2010 17:56

Could it have been that she wasnt sure what she was doing as they had MIL coming, therefore she wasn't being dishonest when she said it?

Perhaps it was a last minute thing that they decided to go to and thought that perhaps they would bump into you there but then just got caught up along the way with entertaining relatives.

I think you are feeling a bit delicate about this - maybe just ring up and invite her round for a cuppa - perhaps say it was a surprise to see her but nothing more beyond that.

Original poster
Earlybird · 07/09/2010 21:14

Yes, am being a bit delicate perhaps. But it is the latest in a long line of things. The relationship is very one-sided. Think it is time I got the message really.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 07/09/2010 21:18

I think it is maybe time that you considered getting some professional help (have you had any in the past?) Because your cousin and her family are not to blame for the problems you had with your own immediate family and it's possible that they find you a little too needy. Neediness is something you have to fix in yourself. Because unfortunately it drives other people away, and the more they pull away, the needier the needy person becomes and the more the other people pull away...

Original poster
Earlybird · 07/09/2010 21:39

Look - perhaps i sound needy based on this thread. But believe me, there is a lot more to the situation than I have described here. Many layers spanning many years - on both sides.

At the moment, I just feel sad about it - the way a person feels when they finally realise a relationship is not what they thought.

I don't need to say or do anything more - even though I asked for help with in the OP. It is time for me to draw a line under this and move on, I think.

Thanks for your letting me 'get it out' here.

OP posts:
warthog · 07/09/2010 22:38

{{{{hugs}}}}

these things hurt terribly. i have been there too.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page