Are you really happy?

[Angiel]

I saw my Health Visitor today because I have been having some problems with my ds and my kids in general. The conversation eventually turned round to me and she asked me "When was the last time you felt really happy" and I couldn't think of anything.

Obviously I have memories of great days, like when my kids were born, holidays etc but I can't remember a time in my life when I have felt truly happy and content for a long period. I feel awful about this, am I that much of a miserable cow that I don't know how to be happy?

I'm wondering if I'm expecting too much from life and I should be happy with what I have got.

God i know the feeling so well,i have felt this way a long time too and am currently on ads to try and help but not too sure their working well.How old are your kids what kinds of problems are you having with them im sure we could help you out here?

I'm a great believer that life is what you make it, and that life is too short to settle for second best. If you're not happy, do something about it, if you don't, no-one else with.

I am generally happy on a day-to-day basis, although I'm finding ds's behaviour very tough at the moment, and that's making me quite miserable at certain times. Although, having said I'm happy, I wouldn't say I'm content there are several things I'm not content about in my life, and there's lots I still want to acheieve. But yes, as a general rule, I'm happy.

i can remember a time like that angiel - its a horrible feeling. the firs thing to think about is .. what would make you happy and how can you contribute to achieving this?

so i wouldnt go for things like winning the lottery but maybe things like
more confidence - sign up for a night class meet other people,
a career - go for some extra qualifications
lose weight - join a slimming club

but for goodness sake dont plonk your happiness in with family life and babies or children and parnters or husbands becuase things in family life can be rubbish for ages before it gets better.

you have to concentrate on you as a seperate entity to the children and partner

my acheivable thing was doing some gcse's at night school - it boosted my confidence, got me out of the house with three screeming kids under 4. i got to meet other people and i felt proud of myself

and it was one night a week for 2 hours

HTH

I agree with Loobie and Custy- you make your own happines. I'm happy- when we were living in London, we weren't, so we moved. I know lots of people look at my life and think that it must be awful and really difficult (ds1 is non-verbal autistic) but I don't feel like that at all. He's a lovely, gentle affectionate little boy and when I look at some of his contemparies beating the c* out of others, or moaning and complaining feel relived I have him. I'm also lucky enough to have a hilarious little NT ds2- who is a smily little thing. I get very stressed out with trying to deal with the LEA in particular but I already know if fighting them to get ds1's help becomes impossible, or if school becomes unworkable we'll just home educate. I know from talking to others that usually restoreshappiness.

So if you're not happy with what you've got - work out what's missing and go for it. As others have said- you're the only person who can do that.

I am happy in some ways and obviously not in others - all you can do, as everyone else has said, is change whatever is not making you happy - but you have to talk about it - tell your DP and see if he can take more of the burden to give you a break and concentrate on yourself.

My boss met my DP Tuesday evening and said to him 'so hows life for you' - DP answered - well I have a woman I love, a beautiful child in my life that brings me huge amounts of happiness and laughter, a house that keeps me warm and dry, enough money to put food on the table and be able to follow Arsenal and play golf - not much more I can ask for really.

He does say he would like to win the lottery and give up work and that he would like us to have a huge house and both have posh cars and nice clothes a long holidays but to him this is a fantasy and someday it may come true but he is content in the meantime.

Angiel - I think your HV asked a loaded question -it immediately suggests that you have nothing to be happy about now and I'm sure that's not entirely true. Life's full of highs and lows (sorry bad cliche). I've got stuff I'm tearing my hair out about and there's stuff I would like to change (more money, lose weight, the usual) but I bet if I did I'd find something else to worry about.
Sounds like you need some more time to yourself.

I think your HV was maybe trying to work out of you are suffering from depression - and to try to differentiate between your state of mind generally and your problems with your children - ie how much is because your children are difficult and how much is because you are finding it harder to cope with not so bad behaviour because you are unhappy generally. I agree with custardo etc, that you need to make yourself happy first and then many things will slot into place in your life. What used to make you happy/content? When were you happy in the past? what has changed? what have you stopped doing? Personally, I don't think happiness is about feeling 'high' for long periods, more that things are generally OK with some really excellent bits in with the mix. Yes, I would love to win the Lottery etc, but i would say I was happy without it. I feel happier if I go out a bit with friends (huge effort sometimes), being with ds without planning anything much and going at his pace, doing my garden, getting a pedicure, losing weight (rejoined weightwatchers recently), spending a bit of time entirely on my own (get quite tense if this can't happen), reading an interesting book, not watching too much telly and not stuffing myself with the kind of food dh likes (shepherds pie/sausages etc). Basically living as authentically my way as I can with a relationship and child. what makes other people happy?

I get lonely and uphappy somtimes as I now live miles away from my friends and survive on phone calls with them, so I have decided to learn to drive (again). Sometimes, forcing yourself to do something and being proactive can help. I DETEST driving however so we will see.

Try and look for something everyday that has made you smile, there is always something no matter how small.

Oliveoil I know how you feel about the driving. EVERYONE is going on at me to have lessons again but I hate it also. I've had countless lessons and failed 3 tests. I know I need to learn to drive but frankly I'd rather poke my own eyes out IYKWIM!

Regarding the happy thing - sometimes I feel sorry for myself and I don't understand why but I always snap out of it. So mostly I am happy. Grabbing a little time to myself always works wonders. One thing I have learned as a mother is that 'me time' is never offered - I have to demand it!

You do have to demand it and it is so important that you have it - my x2b used to say - why should you have me time - I have been at work all day - to which I used to say - because when you are at work you can think about yourself, speak to people on the phone with no distractions and at lunchtime walk down the pub and sit and watch the world go by - if you fuck up a small person does not die (very far fetched but that at the end of the day is your responsibility as a mother!!)

ANd not only do I hae to ensure that this little being ends the day safelty but also do washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning, shopping aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!!!

I felt like this from just a couple of weeks after ds was born. It hit me when he was 18 mths that I didn't actually have any recollection of feeling overjoyed at being a mother (or being overjoyed at anything for that matter), I couldn't remember the last time I had had a good laugh at anything since ds was born and certainly couldn't bring myself to look forward to things.

I still feel like that sometimes although for the first time in 2 years I thought I was getting back to normal and started planning our wedding (in 11 weeks time!). I felt so content and thought "this is it, I AM happy!", but recently I've hit another bad patch. I seem to cope with it better though, by saying to myself that things ARE going well, and no matter how bleak things look, they are going to get better.

I took a long at look at my life recently and put a lot of things into perspective.

I think maybe you are a bit depressed. Do YOU think you are?

You are definitely not alone with this, which was a great comfort for me. I though I was being SO selfish being miserable when I have a perfectly happy, healthy child.
It's a relief to admit to yourself that you are feeling very low and also a relief when you hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Speak to your HV again, I need to speak to mine too, but keep avoiding it! You will get through this, you might just need an extra helping hand to get back on track. And you are not expecting too much out of life!

Good luck..

Angiel,

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

Everyone here has given you lots of good advice so I am just adding lots of smiles to help cheer you up

......

and some even bigger ones

...........

you have lots of 'cyber friends' who will help you through this time.

Take care and learn to be happy again.

butterfly

Angiel - things might not be great for you and the advice on here is really helpful but I just wanted to add that I would question your HV's question.

Often, I've seen my HV (who is really nice) I've felt like crying and I don't know why. I really have felt fine at the time - sometimes happy, sometimes just ok but there's something quite intense about the way she asks me that makes me think otherwise. I don't know what it is so I have reduced my visits to the clinic as they were making me feel down!

Thank you so much for your kind comments. I am taking prozac at the moment so I guess the Doctor thinks I'm depressed. I've been thinking back to the posts I have made on mumsnet (plus others under different names) and it does make it sound like I'm pretty miserable.

I guess what I wanted was the fairy tale stuff, to be with a man I loved and who loved me, have beautiful, well behaved children and we all live together in perfect harmony. My life isn't like that though. I keep wondering if that is because real life isn't like that, or I'm just with the wrong person.

To be honest, I don't really know what would make me happy any more. I'd like to be able to deal with the kids better without feeling so stressed but other than that I'm not sure. I suppose most of my problems are with my partner, but at the moment I just don't think I can talk to him about it.

Gem13 - You may have a point about the HV. Whenever I see my Doctor I normally end up crying, they are so nice to me I usually end up feeling worse iykwim.

I am generally happy (hence the name ...), but I guess your state of mind it's dictated by your personal circumstances but also it's phisiological, I do believe depression is an illness as I have a very good friend who is affected by it, she is always down even if she has everything going for her.

I could say that last time I was happy was last week when ds smiled for the first time, but I will be honest, I was truly happy this morning when he slept through the night and gave me the chance to catch up with sleep after 7 weeks of broken nights! (it doesn't take much to make me happy...)

Angiel, have you read much about child development? Only it so helped me to realise what they understood at what stage. When I know that my ds literally can't help himself, and that he is physically incapable of 'winding me up' or hurting me, it really helps me see things from his point of view and makes me much more tolerant. I don't know how old your kids are, but reading a lot about child behaviour and development was interesting and enlightening to me. I am seriously thinking of a parenting course too.

My kids are 5, 3 and 1. I have read a few parenting books, but obviously not the right ones. The HV did suggest that I went and got some counselling for myself - she suggested Cross Line. I've looked at their website though and it is very religious and I don't think it is the right thing for me.

I was sitting here tonight, wondering whether to tell my partner that I've had enough and its over. However, the kids haven't gone to sleep yet and I've not been able to do it. Not sure if its the right thing to do or not. I think I need to do something radical though. Trouble is, he probably won't take me seriously.

I do know that the kids are probably just being kids, but they never seem to just play. They run around like complete maniacs and it just gets too much for me. I think a lot of their problems are down to bad parenting, but I just don't seem to improve the situation.

Yes, I consider myself to be very happy despite some serious problems. I think it all depends on your underlying personality, plus I've been lucky enough to marry the right person. I think too much self-analysis can be a bad thing although a little can be helpful and I would certainly not disagree with anti-depresants under some cicumstances, I believe they can work wonders. There's nothing worse than people telling you that you should have "me" time by joining a gym, going to the salon (my worst nightmare) or joining a book club as to me these are just another appointment to keep and stres to deal with and not a treat at all. I think its very important to think of small and easy things that make you happy - watch a good film (even in parts over several days), start to read a new book, get the latest copy of HEAT, put Radio 4 on to make you feel like an adult, maybe then the much bigger issues might be easier to deal with if you feel a bit better.............??

Ang as someone that does know you I am glad that the HV asked you this question. Its been very obvious to me for a long time that you arent happy and I really think you need to do something before it drives you completely crazy. If you told her the same things as you told me then its no surprise that she did come out with it. Whilst I know you love your kids and want them to be happy you have to do something for yourself as well. Just remember Im always here if you need me. Take care xxxx

Angiel - I'm trying to cope with the onslaught of depression again and the self-help methods I'm using might help you.
i)Write down all the little things that lift your mood - it might be a certain smell, or a picture, a piece of music or a happy memory.
ii)When you have a good day, write it down. Write down what made it good, how you felt, etc.
iii)Compile a list of your favourite music, then get a tape and record your most uplifting and relaxing tracks on there. At least once a week try to make some time to just sit there with your 'happy notes' in front of you listening to your music. Then whenever you feel down, just hearing that music should lift your mood again.
iv)Buy some luxury pampering items such a bubble bath, moisturiser, smellies, etc and treat yourself once a week to a luxury pampering bath.

Just a few ideas, but I hope they help!

Thanks for that Rhubarb, it's nice of you to think of me when you are going through such a difficult time yourself.

Things have actually moved on a bit actually. I broached the subject of us separating last night and it didn't go down to well. This morning though, he has rung me from work and said perhaps we should split up. He doesn't want to leave the house though or the kids. He thinks we should be able to live together for their sakes, but I just don't think this is a good idea. He thinks I am selfish and only thinking of my own happiness and not the kids.

He did say as well, that he didn't think I would ever be happy, as I'm too negative and worry too much. Last night he also said I like all this upset as I'm an attention seeker.

At the moment I can't really think straight and don't know what I want. I just know I can't spend the next 30 years or so like this.

Thanks 3Girlsmum, you're a good friend - your post has made me cry.

Oh Angiel, I'm so sorry. I've been feeling a bit down recently, but nothing like what you're going through.

Please don't take your dp's comments too much to heart. What he's said must be really hurtfull - perhaps he's trying to hurt you back, because he is hurt, or maybe he really believes it. But it is NOT true that you can never be happy. It sounds like you're in a downward spiral of being unhappy and blaming yourself for it, and then feeling guilty for feeling like that and so on...

Don't give up hope.

Rhubarb's post is wonderful and so kind. What I'd really like to know is what is the best thing to do for a friend who is depressed? Does anyone have any advice? A couple of my friends who have been depressed will do almost anything not to talk about it but we (me and friends) don't want to not bother to try but we don't want to burden them more..?