Adoption advice, tips & ideas please!

[monkey]

Hi, my best friend is in the process of adopting a little boy who will be 2 in September. He has been with foster parents for most of the 2 years.

She seems to be near the end of the road, and all looks positive. The last hurdle, as far as I know, is a court visit next month, where a recommendation will be given, followed by a definite decision a couple of weeks later.

There seems to be lots of unanswered questions. She doesn't know any other adoptive parents, so I thought I'd turn to you for tips & advice. Any experience of these court visits, where she'll (&dh) be facing a panel of about 15 people?

What about (all being well) when she gets him home? She's been told to change detergent brands to the same ones the foster family have, even swap bedding with them, to keep it as much the same as possible for him.

So any other tips on heling her & him cope with the big transition when it does happen?

Also, for me, what's best - sending a congratulations card & age-appropriate pressie jaust as if was a new baby?

Any thoughts ideas & tips welcome, for her & for me to be supportive, thanks

I don't have any experience but I'd say that the detergent & bedding etc sounds like a good idea. I'd imagine she can expect some unsettled times until he feels at home since he'll have had all his familiar things taken away and is too little to understand. On the other hand, he's too little to remember much and should settle well.

I also agree with you about giving a card and age appropriate present, just as if he were a new baby. He is a new baby to your friend!

No personal experience, but I would recommend your friend trawls the web for support groups for adoptive parents. I'm sure they exist. As for you I think a lovely card and a present for their new child would be perfect. Plus a visit where you coo over his amazing beauty, charm and intelligence.

I suggested the groups aloha, but she's not online now (had computer at work, but she's a teacher & off till September, when, hopefully she'ss be able to go on maternity leave. Fingers crossed. I told her I'd post here to get some help for her, or suggestions, like yours aloha. Ta

A friend of ours has adopted 2 children ( at differnt times) and the court visit was no more than a formality. Not stuffy very child friendly - the children had to be there. However, phychologically it wsa a HUGE day. It meant they legally had a ds. It meant they couldn't be taken off them at a moments notice etc.
Eldest is now 4 and they celebrate his birthday as usual then they celebrate his adoption day (court date) with either a aprty or a special family day out. He knows it's his adoption day.

As friends we acknowledged the adoption day with a card and age appropriate gift and bottle of champagne for parents.

I'll ask my friend about support groups and post if I have any advice.

thanks mummysurfer - any advice or tips from people who've been through it would be fantastic

I was adopted at 3 months, but have dd about same age as your friend's. Knowing what a 'challenge' (!) she can be, I think your friend is going to need a lot of support as her ds will be going through lots of normal developmental stuff as well as the disruption to his routines and missing his foster family. So my suggestion would be that she'll be needing big shoulders to lean / cry on, lots of cups of tea and someone telling her she's doing a great job. Especially on the bad days. And agree the card and pressie's a great idea. Maybe to reinforce his new status as their son, with a new name etc, you could also get them a prezzie of name labels - see the ad on mumsnet. Might help him to understand his identity ? Just an idea. hope that helps. Wish her luck. I think being adopted's great and I wouldn't have it any other way

Couple of contacts from the net

Childlink is a service for and by adoptive parents, says on their site that they can put adoptive parents in touch with each other and give advice etc 020 7501 1700 www.adoptchildlink.org.uk

or Adoption UK, which sounds similar
www.adoptionuk.org.uk 0870 7700450 or
Post Adoption Centre - 020 7284 0555 www.postadoptioncentre.org.uk

We adopted a little boy ,nearly 3 years ago, he came to us 2 days before his second birthday. we had lots of fun , he seetled very easily, i think it was helpful to us as we had a 5 year old birth son so alot of the time he copied his big brother. I put his photo on the door of his room so he would know it was his. hits from his foster mum included some of his toys around for his first visit to us, also our photo album was given to him and she talked him throughit. I think it is a wonderful age to adopt , it is easy to distract them and fascinate with a toy, we did have sleep disturbance but after a while we went for the controlled crying and firmly saying night , night back to sleep.
Lots of hard work but it is worth it.

I was adopted as a very young baby in the very late 60's. I grew up knowing that I was adopted, I don't ever remember being told outright, we must have been informed gradually as time passed in response to questions we asked. Anyway, we grew feeling that the situation was perfectly normal and when I started school,I was amazed that no-one else was adopted and that, as we got older, we were the source of great fascination by peers who usually didn't understand the situation. We certainly did, and felt immensely special as we had been chosen by remarkable parents who had wanted us for a very long time. We always had a great laugh as we looked like chalk and cheese, and would coerce people into to saying we looked alike!
Apart from the fact that we knew we were special, the upbringing was totally normal, we were just ordinary kids and our parents did not spend our lifetime cooing over us like we were gifts from the Gods!!
One thing that did cause a bit of a problem (only at times) was that my mother was very worried that we would wish to contact our natural parents. Any telly programme about the subject would be turned off, any conversation halted, and this made me feel rather akward. At no time did I want any other family than the one I had right there.
The other thing was that I had no medical history. I don't know if it is different now and that maybe they provide details of any major family diseases etc. that are known of prior to the adoption. I have been seriously ill with an inherited condition that may have been easier to diagnose if I'd had a history. But these things happen, anyway.
Sadly, my mother is no longer with us, but she and my father are the wonderful people who gave us our life. I don't know if any of this rambling is of any good, but I have always felt very proud to be adopted so obviously something worked out. In the long term, the aim of adoption is to create a loving (ordinary) family, and I reckon that nobody needs to be or do anything spectacular just be ordinary.