Advice needed, honest advice please.

[spittingfeathers]

I am a big girl and can handle the truth, so please tell me what you would have done in this situation.

I have been away from DH since Friday morning as I have had a conference to attend.

DH offered to pick me up from the coach station when my coach came in about 9pm, about 30 minutes left of the 6 hour journey I realise we are making good time and will probably be quite a bit early (20 mins or so) so I text Dh and let him know where I am, sending a further 3 text's in the next 15 minutes updating where I am. Get off the coach and its starting to get dark and we live in a rough sort of area and its not the place you want to hang about in. No DH I text again only for him to reply are you at the station now then? 10 minutes later he arrives in the meantime it has started raining and I am a little wet. I load the back up chatting quickly to dd as have not seen her all weekend, got in the car and said to Dh what happened to you. They reply was "I was in the shower and didn't hear your last 3 messages". I got so annoyed because he had had the day off and could of had a bath at any time, why wait until he was due to pick me up in 30 minutes. I waited until DD was in bed before we had it out.

My reasons being, did it never occur to him I may be early?

He reason, but you said 9.00 pm blah blah blah.

We both feel the other one is at fault. I just need your wise old mumsnetters to be honest with me and tell me the truth. TIA

I can see why you are angry I know i would be, but I dont think your dh is in the wrong.You arranged to be picked up at 9pm and he would have been there then, its not really his fault he didn't catch your messages.Why didn't you call him when he didn't reply to your messages?

Yeah sorry didn't finish the story.

He never replies to tet messages as he never had any credit, and I had 30p left on my phone, he always answers the phone after the machines has kicked in because he hates answering the phone and taking messages, and by the the 30p would have been swallowed up.

You know how it is when you are looking after children and can't find time to scratch your bum let alone have a shower. Maybe he couldn't get to the shower earlier. And maybe he wanted to be all clean and fresh to meet you?

Live and let live and enjoy your reunion

I would have phoned rather than sending text messages. DP never has his phone on. I agree about the shower though.

Guess I was putting him in a situation where he had to think, DD was at child-care all day. from the state of the house he had sat on his bum all day.

Been watching too many mushy films, expecting him to come running with flowers etc etc, raining, got wet, then found out dd had learn't a new word 'arse' icing on cake etc etc.

Guess I wont sleep in the spare tonight.

You asked for an honest answer and this is only my perspective of your situation but

did it ever occur to you that the reason he got a shower at that time was to smell and look nice when he greeted you off the coach (and maybe for a romantic moment later on)

This is only my assumption of your situation, you know your dh better than anyone.
I can understand you getting annoyed at him but it really isn't his fault.
Just swallow your stubborness and go and give him a big hug as it seems to me he has really missed you.Hope this helps.

From the state of the house, sink full of dishes, washing basket etc etc, yes he really missed me .

spitting feathers I know what you mean,
THEY CANT COPE WITHOUT US

Just remember, they're only men. How could we go round feeling all smug and superior if they could manage without us?

whats the bets this thread will turn into a argument on how my dh does this, that and da otherheehee

LOL, Doormat, I'm right in the mood for that.

I have not read any of the other responses.

I think you are definitely being unreasonable.

Partly this may be due to you hanging around a rough area in the dark, in the rain alone.

If it had been a balmy summer evening and you had met an old friend on the bus and enjoyed chatting to them for an extra half hour you would not have felt in a bad mood with your dh.

I also think it was nice of him to have a shower immediately prior to meeting you.

FWIW if I had been your dh and among the first words of greeting were "what happened to you?" I would have felt got and a bit miffed.

Don't let it fester. Go and give him a cuddle .

And I will make a mental note to take my own advice next time I am faced with anything similar

My DH spends hours in the shower preening, blowing his nose and leaving lumps of snot all over the tiles. It takes him half an hour to wash his hair, which is 1/2" long.

does he leave his stubble in the sink or bath like mine does
it pees me off and I just wait for it to dry as it is easier to clean.
ps also save ruining my nail varnish

Janster

I think I know how you feel SF - it's feeling that they haven't quite put enough effort in or being concerned - be it rational or not. I had a similar experience, where I leant my DP my car to go to see his parents up north and said I would travel up the following evening after work. I got delayed at work, almost missed the train because the ticket office had just one window open at peak time. I phoned him to collect me a couple of stations before mine but when I got there he was nowhere in sight and turned up about 15 minutes later so he couldn't have left the house till I was actually at the station. I was in such a rage and by the time we got to his parents I was crying uncontrollably. Luckily, they thought I was just upset as I hadn't seen them for a while ..or maybe they guessed who knows. I was really hurt that he didn't feel the need to put himself out for me, especially as I could have had a nice comfortable journey in my car as opposed to a cold train trip with a load of drinking teenagers. God I feel sooooo much better getting that off my chest!!! Spitting feathers - hope this helps a teeny weeny bit

No he doesn't leave stubble as he is blessed with nothing but bumfluff on his face. But it still takes him ages to shave. And he never stops complaining if DD1 or I leave razors in the shower. Although the bathroom is crammed with potions and preparations for his sensitive skin.

i think i would be spitting feathers if i came home to cock all being done in the house. men CAN cope without us they are just lazy pigs.

i think the train station situation was probably your fears coming out at your husband as you were in the dark and frightened.

Sorry for the asides, Spittingfeathers, I agree that being spooked by the rough area in the dark would increase your annoyance loads. I know when I'm scared about something I take it out on my DH.

It's 9.10 on Tuesday morning here, and dh is still in bed. Yes he's going to work today - eventually I suppose. WISH I COULD PICK AND CHOOSE MY WORKING HOURS!! (Not to mention the 3 hour nap he had on Sunday).

There, I've had my whinge, just to let you know that I know exactly what men are like. My house would also be in a complete mess if I left him home on his own all day. Sad isn't it....

spittingfeathers I veered off the point a bit there. My feeling is that you were probably being a bit unreasonable but in the same circumstances, I might have reacted the same as you. As mothers/wives/workers I think we are so used to being 'on the ball' with everything, able to manage a dozen things at a time, that we become infuriated when the men in our lives seem to be so incapable of doing even a few of the things we do. And to top it off, they have this very laid-back attitude to everything, eg. "Why does it matter if the house is a little messy? I would've gotten around to tidying it up eventually." I know I get very irritated with dh these days, more so since ds came along, because I run around doing ten things while he takes his time doing one.

I think your dh had the right intentions but as you said, they just don't think sometimes. It's like having an extra child in the house.

doormat- after 7 years of living together I have FINALLY managed to teach my dh to rinse the stubble out of the sink. If he's in a mood with me he still leaves it there though!

When DH has the kids I always leave him a list of jobs I want done. Things like unload/load the dishwasher, hang up the washing, all the stuff I would do automatically but he wouldn't notice. If it's on the list he does it. Otherwise it doesn't happen (I need to actually write down things like "put the milk in the fridge" otherwise it sits out all day)

spittingfeathers- yeah you were a bit unfair, but I would probably have done the same!

Have to agree with custy,
If DH is in the house alone all day I'd expect him to wash up after himself and to do at least one other big chore (change the beds/hoover etc) - and he does. He expects the same of me. We both work the same hours and we are both parents to the same messy child. Have to say though, things weren't always this equal - he took a bit of training
I do understand why you were initally annoyed with your DH for picking you up late but think you should relax now you know it wasn't intentional.

agree with custurdo too here. It would make me spit feathers as I would have made sure he wasn't left standing (and think being sexist that as I am a woman he especially should ensure I am safe otherwise I wouldn't be keeping him uptodate so much) HOWEVER, my dh would 9 times out of 10 done the same to me and it's probably all those other little things that add up at a time like this. Having said all that and not being in your boat right now, I would say it doesn't help spitting feathers that is so, for your own sake and the households let it drop and have fun making up or at least not bearing a grudge any longer that will probably surprise him!