just been offered a surrogate grandparent by tv company - a bad idea to say yes?

[tigermoth]

I kid you not. I have to let them know by tomorrow. They have a lovely elderly man lined up. He would live with us for two weeks, getting to know us and helping with the children. Presumably it will be fimled. He has no family and longs to be a grandad. We have no family living nearby and I at least miss having hands on grandparents. dh and I haven't had a night without the children for 11 years. My sons have never had grandparents around to witness their birthday parties, school plays or ... well the list is endless. One of the main reasons I started attending church was to give my
sons the chance to get to know elderly people in the community.
The whole TV idea is tempting but as dh says, no good can come of it .....can it?????

Thoughts much appreciated.

right, now how many kids do u have...........

I'll give you a clue. Dh is not the former drummer from Status Quo... (the Quo guy actually did appear in one programme - they found some documents that confirmed he'd been done out of £1000s in royalties).

oh well, it's a pretty unanimimous no no no - or at best, meet the old guy first before making a final decision. We will probably say 'no' - decided that about 10 minutes after we were originally approached by the scout.But I wanted to hear of any possible reason to say 'yes'. I will check it out thoroughly,and have a phone call to make, before phoning C4 (for it is them) with a final answer.

Having a strange man and tv crew around the house, family and stuffed crow is sending shivers down my spine too, batters. Add the fact that the tv bods may seek to engineer conflict and I think they would be filming me curled up under the duvet for two weeks. We have oodles of conflict naturally, thank you very much, hate to think how much more if we are wound up.

But, can I tell you the background to this - as I believe in being guided by fate and following where coincidences lead me....

Over the summer holidays, my inlaws in Devon have been much on my mind. We haven't seen them since March. Unusually, this summer we can't go down as they have builders in. They have told us they are not having any visitors - fair enough of course. They have talked of visiting us, staying in a nearby hotel - they know they are always welcome - but nothing has come of it so far. It looks like they will be away for christmas, too. Quite possibly we won't see them till next April. It has been getting me down quite a lot. I know they love us, but they seem so distant at the moment. They have ample time and money to visit us and are in good health. They would not feel they are intruding on our family life as they have said they would stay in a hotel. They make several trips each year to visit friends in central and SE England. In fact, they are now in Oxford for a week - but there was no suggestion from them making the 2 hour drive to london to tag on a visit to see us. dh and I didn't know they were travelling up this way till a week before.

It was my youngest ds's 6th birthday last week and on the day, I woke up with these thoughts in my mind. The inlaws will always phone on the boys' birthdays, but would never think of sharing the day with us. We all went to our local cinema and as we came out, were stopped by a woman with a clipboard, saying she was from channel 4... and you know the rest. It just seemed such synchronicity, dh anb I were stunned.

I do wonder what my inlaws would think if we adopted a nearby grandparent - coincidently, they have sort of adopted a nearby family with young children in Devon. The family used to be their neighbours, and the children grew very attached to MIL and FIL. They see them weekly and do the odd bit of babysitting etc etc, nothing too close, but I don't think the PILS have any idea how hurtful I find it when they regale me on the phone with the latest news about these nice children ........

i have adopted grandparents. they are my cousins grandparents, not mine, but they are more like my nanna and grandad than my real grandparents. my real grandparents live about 10mins drive away, and have never come to visit me here. they never ask about peter or the girls. they seem to think that us grandchildren will help look after them in their old age, but the truth is they werent interested in any of grandchildren when we were young, and are less interested now. they told my daughter they were her great-nanna and great-grandparent and she looked confused. she seems more of her other great-grandad who lives over 200miles away as he makes a journey down a few times a year. my adopted grandparents take an interest in the kids and our lives. we see them more than my real grandparents. they have popped round a few times and always stop for a chat, not a lecture.

tigermoth,perhaps there may be another way of doing this, without getting it filmed?

I'm sure there are some schemes (legitimate ones)that currently exist (worth checking age concern or grandparents association).

I understand your sadness re the PIL's, we have the same (if not worse) problem.

Good luck whatever you decide

It sounds like this prog would be engineered to have a 'happy end' so it may work in your favour. However, you would have to consider the fallout with the in-laws too, is it worth it?

Tigermoth, you've got two people who have taken part in TV programmes on this thread saying our experiences were largely positive. It really depends on the 'grandparent', the director and the production company. Can you meet the director and get more info on the grandparent and their checking procedures, and what the programme actually involves before making a decision? It just sounds as if this is an opportunity you'd be relucant to let go. So if this was me, I'd find out more before bowing out.

well, as you say edam, you and sobernow have both had positive experiences of taking part in TV programmes, so I decided to try and find out more. I did phone up with the intention of chatting it through with the TV people. However the C4 person I spoke to was very 'take it or leave it' and her manner put me off instantly.

She told me the lovely old man they had lined up lived in Essex! now that's at least a one-hour drive away from us - easily two hours if he lived further away. So even if against all the odds we had all formed a lasting bond in front of the cameras, we would still not be geographically close to him. We already have one set of grandparents who live a long drive away.

And during the day, dh and I are at work and the boys are at school. Ther is no way I'd want a friend, relative - let alone a stranger - loose in the house every day for at least 7 hours.

So I said no. Thanks for the input everyone.

I'd rather jump head first into a bowl of my own vomit!!

Well, if you didn't get a positive feeling from the TV company, and the 'grandparent' is so far away, then you are best off out of it. Shame because your reasons for being interested were so .... can't think of the word but kind of important?

yes, edam, I did feel I had strong views on this. 'important to me' is the phrase. When I phoned the C4 person I said I'd happily give them some notes about my experiences if that would be useful - but just got the stock answer, we'll put your name on file.

And so many risks - cod's article showed what can happen. Having the surrogate grandad and the tv crew making fools of us all .... doesn't bear thinking about.

maybe loke someone said approach it another way as in schemes for elderley and mention youd like to help out and [adopt] some grandparents, so you can at least this way go at your own pace and if it works out great but if not youre the ones to do it in private not in front of cameras plus i wouldnt have them living with me for two weeks anyway well not until ive got to know them a hell of a bit better, i certainly wouldnt want to be thrown in at the deep end so to speak!! interestingly enough ive been thinking of something similar for my kids[we have doting grandparents but live at least four hours away and id like to be able to pop around for a cuppa and to come over for tea etc and just so they can have time for the kids , to read to them a, play games and chill out ,something which i cant always do plus i love the idea of helping the elderly in our community as theyve gone through so much and i hat e to think of an old grandam sitting alon ein her house with no company, no one to care for her etc. its a sha me in this community that this can go on..anyway enough of my ranting...anyone got a grandma they want to share...we live in se london