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Original poster

HELP! loss of libido... suffering sex life

12 replies

itdoesntmatter · 23/08/2005 12:09

ok ok i admit it, i'm a cowardly name changer.
but i need some help.
ever since my son was born i have had zero libido. i just don't want sex. i don't even want to pleasure myself, which is something i used to do even when i didn't fancy it with dp
sometimes i get in the mood, and feel like i want to, but then i don't know what happens and i just don't want to do it any more.

i do still have sex with dp, but only because i know he wants to. sometimes i get into it and kind of enjoy mself but for the most part i end up just lying there. i won't even kiss him.

part of me thinks this is psychological. why don't i even want to give him a kiss??????
when he touches me it just tickles so much that i squirm away.
i know he think it's because i don't like him any more and that i don't want him touching me. and part of me is scared that that is what it is. it's scary.

it came to a head last night when we were in bed and he had given me a back massage which was lovely and it was leading up to more and i thought i wanted it, but it just wasn't doing it for me. i didn't feel ANYTHING. i just lay there and eventually dp backed off then got up and went into the other room , i think he was crying

i just don't know what to do because i hate seeing him so sad. he thinks i hate him but i don't. i want to want him. so what's going wrong?

sorry this is so long

OP posts:

spidermama · 23/08/2005 12:16

How old is your son?
I feel just the same. My son is 6 months old. I know my libido will come back in a few months. He's my 4th baby and I tend not to want sex for up to a year after each one. My dh is used to this by now, poor bugger. He's quite understanding, which helps. But I know it's not his ideal secenario.
I think this is very commmon and people don't like to admit that they're not having much sex so it's a bit taboo. Dig deeper though, and you'll find it's much more widespread than people are initially willing to let on.
I know some women who pretend and 'think of England', but in my experience that might put them off for ever. I prefer to wait (and make him wait) 'til the feelings return.

Good luck.

Original poster

itdoesntmatter · 23/08/2005 12:21

thanks spidermama, it's nice to know i'm not the onl;y one!
my son is nearly 7 months old. i knew that a lot of people have the sdame thing after having baby, but didn't realis it would last this long.

dp is also very understanding, but it breaks my heart to think that he thinks i dont love him any more.

OP posts:

elsmommy · 23/08/2005 12:25

Have you spoken to your DH about how you feel?

Lizzylou · 23/08/2005 12:26

IDM, we are nomally a very close and sexual couple but it took us a while after the birth of Ds to get back in the swing of things sexually. I think with me it was the feeling that my body wasn't my own, I felt unattractive due to weight gain and also, strangely, like I wasn't "me", I didn't feel sexual at all...with my husband it was mainly that I was breastfeeding and he was scared my breasts (he is very much a breast man) would explode at any moment! We did have sex periodically ( I admit for me, very much "going thru the motions") but it took at least 8/9mths for us to regain our old sex life and "quality" of lovemaking...then it was just a question of being able to fit sex in before we passed out asleep!

dropinthe · 23/08/2005 12:32

It could be hormonal-one of the symptons of under active thyroid?Sure you could ask for a blood test at Drs?

Original poster

itdoesntmatter · 23/08/2005 12:33

i've told him that it isn't that i don't love him any more,. and i've told him that i don't understand why i feel like it, or why i have suddenly become so ticklish down there! (what's that about?)
but we ahven't had a proper talk about it all really.

i think half the problem also is that i am so knachered by the time i get to bed that all i want to do is sleep

OP posts:

dropinthe · 23/08/2005 12:35

Over tiredness-another sign of UAT! Are your periods regular/are they heavy?

Lizzylou · 23/08/2005 12:38

I used to worry it would hurt and would clam up for quite a while, it was uncomfortable for some months really, all in my head but I told my DH and he was extra careful...
Is there any chance you could get a babysitter and have a night away? Maybe have a relaxing day and then see what happens when you are alone totally? I totally understand about the tiredness thing...I have never felt so bone-achingly tired as when DS was a baby!

Original poster

itdoesntmatter · 23/08/2005 12:44

dropinthe my periods are pretty regular yes, and quite heavy. they always have been.

i think for a while i was scared it would hurt as well, even though i know it won't now.
i will see about getting my mum to look after ds for the day so that we can have some time together

OP posts:

elsmommy · 23/08/2005 12:50

Could you tell your doctor?

Are you on the mini pill?

spidermama · 23/08/2005 12:52

I really don't think it's a problem or something which needs to be dealt with on a physical level. I know it's hard (on the man particularly) but it's perfectly natural so please don't see it as abnormal in any way.

mummyof2girls · 23/08/2005 13:25

your not the only one. after 2 babys, one after the other i too lost my libido, i suffered being cheated on when i was pregnant which really knocked my confidence which i think was the main factor in it for me. what im saying is that for us girls sex is in the mind, so threr might be somthing that is effecting you emotionaly. it might well be that you just don't want to share your body after having to share it for 9 months. You need to talk to your husband about how you are feeling and why which will help both of you understand. if he is a good man he will be patient.

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