Cutting edge - tonight

[anais]

Is anyone else watching this? I am horrified. Don't know how it ends yet (obviously) but Mum obviously never bonded with her child and the little girl has never had any love - is it any wonder she has behavioural problems?

Very, very sad

Tallulah, I cannot for the life of me see why you are furious with me. While of course parents are not responsible for all behavioural problems and Ritalin was obviously the right thing for your son, did you actually see the programme? It was clearly and obviously NOT the right thing for this particular little girl, who was not the problem in the family. I happen to think it is wrong to give powerful drugs to children who DON'T NEED THEM. For example, it is obviously good to give insulin to diabetic children, but this doesn't mean it is good for children who are not diabetic. And yes, I do happen to believe that Ritalin is over-prescribed and that in many cases (not all) and that work on parenting skills can do more than drugs for most children. I've seen it over and over again. Yet can you get parenting courses? Has anyone here ever spontaneously been offered information about them? And it clearly isn't that impossible to get wrongly prescribed with Ritalin, because we saw on screen the dr who had given it to her, and he didn't even have the decency to apologise.

Boe, the more I hear about your childhood the more angry I feel with your stepmonster. Of course, it was her fault that you ended up married to a violent man and are going through this trauma now, not that she would ever admit that even to herself. I think it's fantastic that you are such a loving mother despite having no role model. I have just ordered a stack more parenting books and children's activity books from Amazon (some recommended here on Mumsnet) because I so want to be a better parent - mind you, I think I'm already doing a bit better than poor Georgina's parents.

Tallulah - apologies if my post touched a nerve, I have no experience of the pros and cons of Ritalin and if I spoke out of turn and upset you, .

You could be right re my neighbours, we had a row about the noise they were making (over the fence, v classy) and they told us about his ADHD and I did feel bad for them and we actually did start to get on a bit better. Saying that however, the way they shout at their children really really makes me angry, it has to be heard to be believed. Don't think it is all down to their son if I am honest, although it musn't help.

Don't wish to cause offence here but I don't think that it is completely Boe's stepmothers fault that Boe married a violent man.

I have experienced both sides of the coin, I too had a violent stepmother (hidden, discreet violence behind closed doors, similar to Boe) and I am now a stepmother to 2 lovely boys. Despite my violent past I have never had a relationship with a violent man. My father was a very violent alcoholic too, so I think that it is unfair to say that just because you grew up in a violent environment you will marry/get involved with a violent partner.

I understand (as far as is possible) that the treatment Boe received at the hands of her stepmother is horrific and I would NEVER excuse that sort of behaviour, but I also think it is just too straightforward to say that this treatment is why she married her violent husband.

Sorry that this message babbles but I just felt the need to say that it is not a given that violence breeds violence (or an unconscious need for it).

Boe - That last post was in no way intended to attack you, your parenting skills or own personal choices. I hope that whatever the current situation is improves soon.

No - WickedStepmother - I know it was not - x2b was not violent for the first years of our marraige and I married him because I thought he was so calm and he would never hurt me - I tried so hard to stay away from violence after knowing it for so long.

What I do know is that smacking a child teaches them absolutley nothing and I know we lose our tempers at times but explaining to a child is a much better way of stopping them doing something - my mother never figured that out.

Its strange she wondered why I used to take money from her and at times other things (Tampax being one of them) and I explained to her that it was because we had to buy our own toiletries from the age of 13 and as I was not old enough to have a job and my dad would not let me spend any of the money earnt from babysitting my brothers I had no choice - she just laughed at me and said that if I had asked for those things I would have got them - I truely think that she is mad, not only tolilettries but all of own clothes as soon as got a job, she would buy my school uniform as it had to come from a certain shop and was so expensive but I had to buy my own school shoes - I also had to do the ironing for the whole house (5 people) and empty the bin and the dishwasher every morning before school as a payment i kind for them letting me stay there and feeding me (they also called me fat all of the time so had eating disorder for most of teenage years so food was last thing that I needed to pay for - ate sooooo little).

Another time when I passed my driving test I had to tell my dad - he had promised to buy me a car if I passed first time - and all he said was 'What did you give the instructor a b*w jb?' - no congratulations nothing - and most certainly no new car!!!

I know it sounds a little hippyish but I just think we all need to express ourselves to our children a bit better, take a breath before you shout - try and explain why they should not do something rather than just telling them not to do it and most of all I think the best thing we can do is tell them that they are clever, beautiful and we are proud of everything that they do. Lots of hugs and cuddles too.

Sorry for waffling - I probably have never told anyone the true extent of what happened to me when I was a child and sometimes its just nice to get certain things off of my chest.

Does not sound like waffling to me, it helps to talk these things through, it must have been terrible for you growing up, people can be so cruel and malicious, she prob feels guilty for treating you so badly now and they say that the best form of defence is attack, which is what she is doing now. Hugs to you, see you back on SW thread!

Yes, my message probably was too black and white and if it caused offence then I'm sorry. It's just that it is actually hard to recognise a normal relationship or to demand the kind of treatment you really deserve if you've had a terrible family background. I think SofiaAmes said something very eloquent about her husband ending up in awful relationships prior to meeting her because he didn't know what a real family felt like - and he's a wonderful man and very loving father by all accounts. Boe herself said she didn't have much self-esteem and that's a key reason why women end up with worthless toe-rags like her ex. Certainly seems to be getting it back now, though, I'm glad to say

misdee, don't know if anyone else has replied to your qn.. i taped the programme and will send it to you if you get in touch .

I have been thinking and wondering if the parents of the poor woman are still alive and if they saw the programme and feel any remorse??

I have thought about this - due to own circumstances - for so long and I just do feel extremely sorry for her - she obviously knew no other way to react to her daughter and also acted like a child with her husband - thought it very weird that she did the superman thing with him - I tried with my DP but it sort of ended up with me being squashed (and some other fun stuff - but I will keep that to myself!!) - and the thing that someone shouted at the when walking down the street if someone said that to my DP I would have expected him to at least say something not just take it as a joke - I am sure that left her feeling awful too.

I have actually been keeping an eye out when I go through Liverpool Street as I just feel that she probably needs someone to tell her how fantastically well that she is doing (she might punch me you never know!!) adn maybe a bit of positive feedback from people would do her the world of good.

And Aloha - in some degree you are right - my husband twigged that my parents made me feel like a bad person and used that - he did not start out like that but he saw that I was willing to be treated like this and it was an easy way to control me. My Dp said to me last night that he loved me because and then listed countless different reasons - I rejected all of them and we ended up almost screaming at each other - in the end I saw his point - it is hard to accept nice things when all you have is horrid things in your life and I think both the mother and daughter suffered from this.

A very good friend of mine has a son who is on Ritalin. Unfortunately, it is abundantly clear that the problems of her son have been entirely caused by the parenting. As soon as he started crawling she was telling him off by shouting and smacking. I never heard her say the word "no" in a calm voice, or praise him for doing as he was told. She would jump in and tell him off before he had done anything wrong. I don't remember seeing him being cuddled and kissed like the other babies in our mother and baby group. She has a little girl now too - fortunately she has learnt better parenting skills. The people who she works with with her son have helped her a lot. The saddest thing is she meant to be a very good parent, she wanted a well-behaved little boy. She has got the complete opposite. And none of we other mums had the courage to suggest that she might be getting it wrong with her ds.

Boe - I raise my glass to you for being so honest about such difficult things and making so much sense.