I feel so guilty

[GuiltySecret]

I am a regular poster but have changed my name for this one because as the title suggests I do feel very guilty. I have been with my DP now for many years and we have children together, however, I cant get my BIL out of my head.

He is married but recently separated. When we get together on family occasions we both have a bit to drink and tend to be drawn to each other, very chatty and friendly a little flirty but nothing more. Without the drink we both tend to be a little shy with each other.

The problem is that I have real feelings for him (or I think i do) and I imagine scenarios where something happens beween us, and then I feel really guilty particularly as its my husbands brother. Even when I am intimate with my husband my BILs face pops into my head and then I end up crying because I feel so bad for what I am doing but cant seem to push it away.

My husband is a really loving man and a very good father to our children. However the relationship I was in before I met him was very fiery and its almost as though I feel some passion is missing from my life. I dont fancy my husband as much as he seems to fancy me and I worry that this is going to cause real problems for us. I do love him but sometimes its more like a brotherly love than that I should feel for a lover, iykwim.

Has anyone else been through anything similar or do you have any advice that you can offer me?

Oh blimey! Think I might have to come back to this one! Just wanted to say 'shit' and 'sorry' and 'oh no!!!'. If you follow your heart on this one then be so, so sure it's not just a lust thing it'll tear a lot of lives apart. Think you might be better following you head and staying with a good kind man. Can you live with that? Can you just enjoy living out a couple of fantasies in your mind and not risking everything.
I'm not the person to advise you hon' but I can send you a big hug {{{{{{{}}}}}}} and know thta you'll get some fab advice from someone soon.
Sorry you're in such turmoil.

This must be so hard for you. Are you sure these feeling are reciprocated ? What if you made a move and it all went pear shaped. You could lose everything for a fantasy. I'm sure these feelings you have are real, and if it was some bloke at (for example) work I'd say find out what his feelings are. But this is your BIL we are talking about. IMHO I think there is just too much at risk. But that's easy to say from where I'm sitting. Big hug.

Oh Guilty Secret. What a pickle waiting to jump out of the jar. Keep the lid on tight is my advice. Wonder how many things his ex-wife would say are wrong with him. Tons I bet. Nail clippings, thoughtless mess, thoughtlessness, not listening to her. Forgetting arrangments, insisting on his way. He's just a bloke. The passion went in his relationship one can assume. Don't do ANYTHING about it is my opinion. Fantasise about him if you like. Enjoy flirting with him. But leave it at that. Sending you love, sounds bloody bothersome x.

I agree with everyone here. My advice would be to do nothing. With luck your intense feelings will pass. I realise it is agony in the meantime. But just how disrespected would you feel if it was your DH and he acted upon his feelings? If you just can't help yourself, then you have to finish with DH first. Whatever you do, don't end up so that you can't live with yourself. That's more important than anyone else you live with.

How often do these situations end happily????

I know why BILs marriage ended and although easy for me to say because I like him it really was something out of his control, crazy SIL!!! I know it would cause awful hurt and in my head I tell myself how unfair I am being to my DH but I just cant stop myself thinking about my BIL at the moment. I have actually had feelings for him for quite some time and I do feel that they are in some way reciprocated, almost as though we both know but nothing has been said or done.

I really really hate myself for this, my DH does everything for me and our children and he would be heartbroken if he knew how I felt. I dont know if my feelings for my BIL have intensified at the moment because he has split from SIL or because I will be seeing him soon.

As it stands I dont intend saying or doing anything with BIL but it is constantly eating away at me and part of me wonders what might happen between us in the future. I am so confused by all of this and I think the problem is that I am looking for some excitement in my life that my DH doesnt seem able to provide. He has stuck with me through such a lot as well and I feel such a cow but my heart is ruling my head at the moment.

I'll start by saying I don't condone this BUT it does work sometimes - my step SIL has married her former BIL recently and has kids by both so it's all very confusing - the kids are both cousins and half brothers and the (original)BIL is dad, stepdad and uncle.

You say you've had feelings for some time - do you mean months or years? If it's the latter it could be more of a problem. If you do decide to do something about it be 200% or more sure first - you could live with him for a week and find you hate him, then where would you all be? Remember it's not just you and dh that would be split up - you could split brothers up too.

Personally I would say to FORGET ABOUT IT and try to get on.

You say that passion is missing - do you get out/away as a couple much? Could it be that you're stuck in a rut and are looking for a reason for things to change?

Not much help sorry - just agreeing and repeating everyone else really.

Thinking of you and sending hugs {{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}

its one of those things tht you always get caught at. its a hard thing to explain to the children as some mean family member will let them know be sure of it.

While I've not been in your situation, I was once in a situation when I was desperately attracted to a man (jusst like you describe) but knew that it would cause a lot of distress if I actually did anything about it. There's no quick fix. It hurts. I just clamped down on myself. I don't regret not going for him, but I do regret the emotional damage I did to myself by the clampdown. I think it would have helped me a lot if I cdould have talked about it with someone. I know Mumsnet isn't quite the same as a face-to-face chat, but at least you can off-load your feelings and know that we will listen and help in any way we can. Please don't destroy the good things in your life by chasing a dream that may not be real after all. Of course the way you feel for your dh pales in comparison to the way you feel for your bil, but its the feelings fro the bil that you need to sweep away, not those for your dh. Sorry, I didn't mean to give advice, just to say that I would listen, but I couldn't help myself!

Don't hate yourself, GS. You can't help what you are feeling, you haven't done anything wrong. Unless you act on your feelings you have nothing to reproach yourself for.

And I don't think many people sustain a fiery passion over many years of marriage, usually it will settle down into something less exciting. Pretty normal stuff. We'd all be twice as exhausted if we couldn't resist having rampant sex with our DHs all the time like when we first knew them.

I actually prefer it like this. There is still the odd flash in the pan when we have the energy. But the thought of getting to know someone new, the trepidation, the fear of disappointment, the not knowing if they feel the same way you do etc just fills me with horror.

I'd rather have my boring old spouse with whom I can fart, snore, elect to sleep instead of sexual acrobatics. He knows my ways and I don't have to explain my moods very often.

I remember someone on TV said that a couple who had been married for 50 years were asked to share their secret. They said that they had never fallen out of love at the same time.

Agree with everyone here GS.If it was me I would leave well alone. But at the end of the day it is your life and your decision to make.It sounds to me like he is the "forbidden fruit" in a stale relationship. Just accept that the consequence of tasting will be alot of people hurt. Can you not think of the negative aspects of your BIL and concentrate on the best of your husband.Easier said than done I suppose,I have never been in you position. I wish you all the best in your decision.

Thanks for all your replies. Whilst I think BIL has feeling towards me it could be that I have just read the situation wrong. Maybe I am wanting to see something that isnt actually there. Im hoping that when I see him next time it will make me realise what I have got with DH and that this thing with BIL is just a silly fantasy! I am so mixed up in my own head and I guess that what I am worried about but also hoping for is some recognition from him that he feels the same.

Sounds really stupid and I hate myself for it, cant stop thinking about how awful I am being to my DH, but nothing has actually happened so why do I feel as though I am being unfaithful when nothing has happened? He would be heartbroken if he realised and Im well aware of problems that it would cause. Had it been anyone other than my BIL than perhaps I would not have let my head rule so much, if that makes sense.

The problem is that there has never been the spark with my husband like there was with my previous boyfriend and I think that deep down I am just looking for that bit of excitement. I just dont think I will find that with my husband as whilst I really love him I just dont really fancy him. That sounds terrible. However, I think the world of him and dont want to do anything to hurt him.

GS - it sounds as though you are sensible enough, and care enough for your DH, to know that nothing is ever going to happen with BIL. So all you really want and need to do is stop yourself feeling this way.
You need a two pronged attack. Constantly remind yourself about BILS faults (he must have some). You need to start seeing him as a normal person rather than the perfect fantasy figure you seem to imagine. And also sort out your relationship with your dp. It is completely normal to have to work to feel the spark - especially after a long relationship. Be romantic, be sexy - hell get kinky if that's what turns you on. There are other threads here on how to revive a relationship with some really good advice.

And give yourself a break. You have done nothing wrong - and you don't sound as if you intend to either.

Don't know if this will really annoy you or not, but my feeling would be to make sure you don't succumb to the 'I deserve to what's right for me' school of thought, which is very dangerous in this sort of situation. Actually, the fact is that you promised to stay with your husband whatever, and short of him seriously breaking his promises to you (hitting you etc) you have no right to leave just because you fancy someone else. Just keep telling yourself 'what I feel is irrelevant and will pass, I don't act on it because I promised'.
Aargh - that sounds awful and preachy. but i do actually believe it. I agree with prufrock that you sound like you know you aren't going to do anything abuot it, you just need ways to make waiting for the feelings to subside more bearable - I offer the above as a possible help.

GS, I know exactly what you mean in your last paragraph. It would be nice to have that spark, and to have it always, but on the other hand, it's nice to have the depth of feeling and committment. I envy those lucky enough to have both, but then I'll bet there are those who envy us what we have, too!

I once had a good solid husband like yours.
There was HUGE spark between me and my BIL (husbands younger brother).
Me and said husband are now divorced (no kids) . Basically I found him boring and did not really fancy him.

I DEEPLY REGRET GETTING DIVORCED FROM HIM despite remarriage and kids with someone else. I am just bloody glad I did not let my feelings for BIL into the mix.
If you have a loving husband who is a good father you have a man who is 95% perfect. Don't ruin your life wishing to find the missing 5%.
How I wish I had been told this .

Thanks for your replies on this. Like I've said in my head I know what I should and shouldnt do but unfortunately my heart tells me something different. I worry that I will wake up one day and regret my decision, and wonder can I stay with my DH in this relationship which really is very one sided. Its only the fear of hurting him and what it could do to our children that keeps me here.

How do you get the passion back into a relationship when it was never really there? I think the problem was that I rushed into this relationship to soon after my last but after all this time its too late for regrets. I dont want to end up with my husband hating me and being stuck in a loveless marriage because I cant respond to him how he wants. I keep asking myself if I am really being fair to him.

guilysecret the question of how to get passion into a relationship that was never really there is a red herring IMO. Passion goes out of just about every relationship in the end. Even if your realtionship with your husband was passionate and sexy at the start, chances are it would not be by now.
If this is not the case for some of you here you are very lucky ( and unusual) . Oh, and if you are one of the fortunate ones come back in five years and tell me you still have a passionate relationship.
If you do I am deeply envious and very interested to hear any advice you have to give.

I believe the high divorce rate is in part due to the crap we women are fed by the likes of cosmo and the movies.We think lifelong passion is acheivable if only we find the right mate. Women regularly leave their husbands because there is no spark left. And then they go on to form a new sparky attachment...five or ten years down the line, surprise surprise the spark has gone there too.

Of course there are valid reasons (apart from the obvious like violence and adultery)to leave a marriage. If you really can't stand the sight of each other there may be little hope.
But if you are considering leaving because of a general feeling that the spark has gone please please think very carefully.
You could like me spend a very long time indeed regretting it.

I have known several people who had arranged marriages. None of them were in love when they got married, but found that it was something that developed through mutual efforts. I agree, we are cruelly deceived by the entertainment industry to expect the impossible. I don't know how to re-arouse the spark, I wish I did. I have wondered about things like Relate, but, like you, I don't think dh has any inkling of my issues, or that he has any similar issues at all. I found therapy helpful for myself, at least it gave me the chance to talk out loud to someone, and to try and clarify things for myself. If I could afford it I'd continue.