Some questions about having just 1

[mrspir8]

My DD is almost 3.

LOts of people we know who have kids the same age have gone on to have thier 2nd and in some cases on thier way to 3. I know many of you have 3 plus.

I am not really under any real pressure to have another (not from anyone who matters anyway) but I am deliberating with the idea. My hubby would like another but he undderstands where I am at. We always intended to have two but, long story short I had a really tough time bringing dd into the world and for the first year of her life. DD is not especially demanding, shes a normal 2 yr old but sometimes she seems so lonely-when we go to the park as a family she always asks if we are meeting her freinds and seems sad if we are not. Almost everyday she asks to visit someone.

I really dont know what to do-I am not brave enough to attempt it just yet whatever.

So my questions to you, one child families are this:
Do you think your child has suffered in anyway from being an only child?
What factors influenced your decision not to have another-was it a case of nature not playing fair or did you actively elect to have only one?
Have any of your freindships with freinds with families with 2 or more been affected because of the difference in child numbers?
How did the grandparents react to only one?
Anything else you may think is relevant?

I will preface this by saying that DD does have much older siblings from DH previous marriage so not entirely a typical "only". But they live quite far away so not in constant contact. They have a great relationship though..

However. No, on the contrary

I am genuinely very happy and fulfilled having one child. We feel like a complete family and it just feels right. I also really like where my life is now, (studying, career change) with a 3 yo and feel we would actually suffer as a family with a newborn having to, well backtrack. The extreme tiredness and illnesses infants can get would be v hard for me having DH working such long hours.

To be honest financially we can provide a wonderful life for DD with all the "trimmings"

GP have no real bearing on it tbh.

DD has so many friends we have to turn down parties/ sleepovers. She is v loving and gives away toys to friends when they come over. She is v gentle and polite.

If having one feels right for you that so be it, there is no golden rule for a child being happy. DH has siblings he has no contact with and there have been much conflict between my sisters and I, we don't get on.

Q: Do you think your child has suffered in anyway from being an only child?

A: None whatsoever.

Q: What factors influenced your decision not to have another-was it a case of nature not playing fair or did you actively elect to have only one?

A: I/We actively elected to have just one. Both of us wanted the experience of parenthood but knew our limitations and wanted to be able to give a child the best life he/she could have. We also just didn't fancy the thought of any more. 10 years on we've never regretted our decision for even so much as a split second and neither of us has ever experienced any sort of broodiness for another child.

Q: Have any of your freindships with freinds with families with 2 or more been affected because of the difference in child numbers?

A: No, in fact it's more often the case as we've found that friends/families with more than one child have told us how they envy our situation!

Q: How did the grandparents react to only one?

A: They've never even mentioned it I suppose because they've always known that we only wanted one from the word go. I guess they respect it as our decision entirely how many children we want to have, which is exactly how it should be. My mother in particular always urged me not to have any children at all or to have just one if I was to have any at all. I have an older sister and my mother only wanted one herself but I came along as a bit of a surprise. I have to say though, that my mother's views didn't really inform my decision to have just one child.

Q: Anything else you may think is relevant?

A: I think it's a really positive experience having one child as (for me at least) you feel totally able to cope with every aspect of parenthood and I have found it as rewarding an experience as I always hoped it would be. I don't feel stretched in all directions in any way, financially, emotionally or otherwise. I think it's such a shame that societal pressure forces people into thinking that there is no other way to have a "proper" family than having more than one child and it just makes people feel inadequate, incomplete and unhappy if they can't achieve that. So much of the negativity surrounding having an only child is borne out of that societal pressure but none of it has any foundation to it at all.

I don't think my ds suffers at all. We have not endevoured to have another child partly by choice (ie, we said before we ever ttc that we only really wanted one child), but also as I had 3 mc before DS I couldn't go through that again. We have said that maybe if it had all been straightforward to have DS we would have probably said we'd have another - but couldn't do the whole mc and prem baby thing again.

For whatever reason, we've ended up being more friendly with one child families, but prob as they are more willing to play at weekends as DH and I both work

MIL wasn't happy that DS is an only, but got short shrift.

I'm very happy with our family of three

Ds is 5 years old so I would say not at all. He has never yet mentioned wanting a sibling though I suppose he could in the future. In fact recently during a show he was putting on with his stuffed toys he asked the tiger if the killer whale (another toy) was his brother - the tiger then said no, he didn't have any brothers.
DS said "That's like me. It's great, I have Mummy and Daddy all to myself"

I had ds late in life as I didn't meet my dh until I was 36 years old. It took 3 years to conceive successfully and then after having ds it took me a while to be ready to try again. By that time I was starting to undergo a slightly early menopause (age 41yrs old) so we couldn't have any more.

Thankyou all for your honest responses, it's been really helpful. My mind is still not really made up but I am soon to be 36 and I feel that if we are going to do it then it should be soon.
Providing I can conceive again of course,it wasn't easy the first time round due to endometriosis which sadly I am begining to show symptoms of again. I really have no great desire to do it again and that in itself is becoming my main arguement to myself for not doing it.I wanted DD so so much and even then it was a rough ride. PND was evil, how could I have wanted my baby so much then be utterly terrified to be a mother when she finally arrived.

I do think that dd is lonely sometimes though, even though we have lots of freinds with kids the same age it's not the same.
My own sister and are very close even though there is almost 8 years between us and she has bought so much richness into my life, I would like DD to have that-but as many of you have pointed out theres no guarantee thier relationship will be a good one.

I know my husband would happily have another but he does see the sense in sticking to one if it's the right thing to do.

THank you again x

mspir8, I don't think there's any right or wrong here. I wanted at least two but have just one and it looks as if it will stay that way. Mainly for financial reasons - I've never felt secure enough with either dh's job or mine to embark on ttc again. (I went freelance when ds was two, dh has been unfortunate enough to be made redundant twice.)

Don't think ds suffers and there are also downsides to having siblings, of course. He did used to ask about having a baby brother but those questions have faded - was around the age of three to four. (I used to explain that parents can't guarantee they will make another baby.)

Hasn't affected his friendships as far as I can tell - just by the law of averages he has lots of friends with siblings and we've often ended up inviting siblings back to play too, or to birthday parties. (One year we had to rustle up a whole extra table full of big kids for the birthday tea - I'd miscalculated badly!)

He has three cousins close in age and I do try to make sure he spends as much time as possible with them (and sees his older cousins too). Partly because my mother was an only child who lost her parents in her early 20s, and I know that was a very lonely burden to bear. No-one left who knew her parents she can talk to.

So I hope when ds is a teenager or older and needs to moan about his parents, he'll be able to talk to his cousins, and at least they will have a clue about how irritating we are, and share their gripes about their own parents. And when we are old and decrepit and ds needs to make decisions, hopefully he'll have someone he can talk to who knows us. Dh is facing those kind of issues with his mother at the moment and I think it would be much harder if he didn't have his sister.

Oh, grandparents have never commented one way or another, btw!

As for having siblings being a mavellously enriching experience I like to think I represent the other side of that somewhat rosy coin.

I don't get on with my sister at all and have virtually nothing to do with her now. Over the years she's caused untold pain and heartache in my family. Some of the very worst times of my life have been all down to her.

So, if anyone out there is a grown up only child who feels they have missed out on siblings and hankers after having one, you'd be more than welcome to adopt my sister but I'm afraid she doesn't come with any glowing references.

I am a grown up only and afraid to say I hate it.

Not so much a problem when younger but it's hard to be the focal point of all your parent's hopes and dreams and not have anyone to share it or the burden of them ageing etc.

Interesting contrast between fifi and genevieve...

Actually dh has very, very little in common with his sister - for the past 20 years they've been more like two people who once worked in the same office but never particularly got on than siblings. Now MIL is getting old it is helpful to have someone to share the burden of making decisions and going round to check she's OK though. But I know there are families where one child is left all on their own with that, anyway. Siblings don't necessarily support each other.

I will try very hard not to burden ds with all our hopes and dreams. (Do you think it would be going to far if I had a recording played when he's asleep with subliminal messages? )

Re: an only child being the focal point of all his/her parents' hopes and dreams I don't care if my DS doesn't come out of education with a string of qualifications as long as his arm and I don't hanker after a photo of him in a cap and gown to stick on my mantlepiece. I don't want to boast to my friends about his high-powered job, lovely home or beautiful children.

I have no specific hopes or dreams for my DS - only that he is happy in whatever he decides to do, is healthy and loved. He has already fulfilled all my hopes and dreams without really even embarking on his own life yet so what more could I ever want or expect of him?