Why is it such a hard decision to have one child?

[Bensmum76]

Hi all,
I have posted once before on the one child families section late last year after my DH and I decided to have one child only, my DS 2.7 years old. I then changed my mind again (!) and came off the pill in January; have not got pregnant yet but have suffered with terrible PMT, and the way my cycles are at the moment means I am unable to get pregnant without medical help.
This week I have been feeling again that maybe this is fates way of telling me to only have one child. I suffered terribly with post natal depression until at least my DS was 18 months old and am extremely fearful that this could happen again. I feel that I am settled into a good life with my DH and DS and am counting down the years until me DS starts school and I could change careers from payroll/hr to being a teaching assistant as I have always wanted to work with children.
I don't think my DS would suffer and my DH is very supportive and always says that its my body so its up to me whether we have a second child.
BUT the decision is weighing on my mind and I don't know why. I think I'm maybe afraid that I'll change my mind again in a while and that it'll be too late.
Did anyone else go through this chopping and changing in making the decision?
P.S. I would love to join your tea room but didn't want to come along uninvited!!

hmm, yes.
I was adamant till ds was about 5 and at school that we would only have one.
Also had PND, ds didnt sleep throught eh night till he was nearly 5 and at school.
He had colic and croup and had behavial problems.

Then life got easier, ds settled down, i had the odd half hour to myself and felt better able to cope with another. Didnt want ds to be an only child.

Have had 3 mcs over last 2 years, takes ages to get pregnant then i mc.

Nature is dropping a huge fuck off hint to me that i am going to only have ds.

everything happens for a reason i think.

I can't really comment on how to make the decision because it was pretty much made for us (unless we wanted to get back on the treatment bandwagon, which I didn't - or, at least, not enough).

But I can say that the tea room is open to everyone and you don't need to wait for an invitation. But please consider yourself invited and drop in at any time!

Hi Bensmum,

I've read so many times on Mumsnet of mums of one, two, three, four and beyond who are never sure if they are ready to stop! Perhaps for us that have one, there is the social pressure and 'only child' stereotypes that we need to weather and that can play heavy on our minds. Although there are some here that are and always have been 100% sure, I'd guess that for those of us lucky enough to choose how many we would like and have chosen 1, the majority still have moments when we're not sure.

Just yesterday, we had friends over who have 2 and we were having this exact conversation - they are both pretty sure it's going to be 2 and we are pretty sure it will be 1 but we were both saying it's probably because time is ticking on, you can end up beating yourself up on whether you've chosen correctly before the choice is taken away from you! I think it's human nature and you're right, you probably will go through changes of heart from time to time for many different reasons. Not being 100% sure about things in life is totally normal! Just make sure you are not putting yourself through unnecessary worry or guilt (as us Mums have a habit of doing) and don't let it stop you enjoying your ds. In the past I have been the queen of the overthinkers but as I've got older, realised the only guilt and pressure is what I generate for myself. So it's a mental slap, a quick run to get rid of any tension and back to being wonderful

I didnt have any problems deciding wether or not to have another child. It was and still is a definate NO. I found it very easy. I have the occasional moments where I wonder if it truly was the right decision for ds but generally this doesnt last long.

Thanx guys. I spoke to my dh about it this morning and he has said that although he would like 2 or more children, he is happy with me and our ds. He also said I need to stop thinking about it now and not over think it or feel guilty.
I feel the most massive relief now that it feels like a final decision, thou I'm sure I will wobble along the way!!

HI Bensmum,
I feel exactly the same as you and just wanted to send out a big hello!
I have one DS who is 3 next month. I change my mind a lot about having another child, but am currently feeling more settled in my decision to stick to one. I have my DS from a previous relationship and am now in gay relationship so would be really complicated for us to have another child who has a donor father.

Im 35 now and feel time is running out, but I am quite selfish and LOVE the time I have on my own and with my partner when my LO is off with dad and am counting sown til he starts reception so I can get my career back on track.

I think its still hard to not feel sad that ul never experience any of those first again and the amazing experience of being pregnant. I know pregnancy can be crap for women, but that amazing feeling when u see yr child- I certainly feel sad that wont happen again..

For me though im trying to be sensible and for our little family I know in my heart that one child is best, for my sanity! and for us as a family

Hi Guinea!
It's good to hear from you especially as you seem to echo a lot of what I feel. I think a huge part of the issue for me is that I always thought I would want more than one but in reality it cannot happen. The thought of not being pregnant again, and like you said, not experiencing the firsts again is upsetting.
im just going to enjoy my ds from now on and stop analysing everything xx

This is a really tough one.

I appreciate that fertility treatment can be costly if you are not able to have it on the NHS but I would always say to go for it if you can.

It is so clear from so many of the posts I read here that people make the "decision" stop at one child with such a heavy heart and are desperately sad about it really. It's not so much a decision they make but more of a situation that is forced on them by circumstances beyond their control.

If it is still within your grasp to have more children and it's what you really, truly want then I'd always say to anyone, go for it.

IMHO life is just too short to compromise on the major things in life that wil bring you true happiness and fulfilment.

I know, im totally with you! I never thought Id only have one and that makes it so hard. I grew up an only, so have my own issues with that as I didnt enjoy it, but am trying to look at the benefits too- like I really like my own company which I think is an asset.

Its so hard isnt it.. I still cant get rid of the baby stuff and buggy etc. just in case.. but in my head I know it just wouldnt be right. I can sometimes barely cope with my LO as I am used to having me time and career etc.. I worry thats selfish, but then maybe so be it! I really think another child would drive me crazy if im honest.

Just found out my cousin is pregnant with her 2nd, her DD is 2 and actually felt really sad when I heard. I havent been able to ring and cogratulate her and feel really childish to admit im jealous

Family building is, in my opinion, fraught with emotion - look on the larger family boards and you see mums agonising about whether to go for 4 or 5 or whether they have really had their last firsts etc - look on the conception boards and you see people going through angst trying to have their first

And every other spectrum in between. I am not saying all issues are the same or all decisions are the same or have the same loading all I am saying is that for everyone the idea of family building (or the decision to be child free) is one of the biggies and like most things in life it rarely happens as we might have anticipated when idly speculating our future ....

So whatever stage you are at Bensmum be gentle on yourself and you are welcome in the tea room any time!

Strangely I'm the opposite, I always knew I wanted one, and with my DS now 10 years old, I haven't once thought about having another, or even had a twinge of broodiness etc.

Life is fantastic with one (as it would be with more I'm sure) but don't be too down about not having anymore, it's a wonderful journey.

I absolutely love the life I can lead by having an only child.

Me too Cosmic, DD is an only through choice. She is happy with it, I am happy with it and DH is happy with it. He would have loved around 4, but I had such a hard time hanging on to my babies that it wasn't such a hard decision to make. We love being the parents of singletons.

Same here Cosmic.

As it was completely my choice (my ideal and my perfect scenario) to have one child I never had to make a decision to have just one IYSWIM - that makes a hell of a difference.

Like you, I have a 10 year old DS and we love the family life we can lead by only having one child. On our budget we can do so much more with just one and he has a really full and rounded life that he would never be able to have if he had a sibling or two and in my view having those siblings would never compensate or make up for missing out on the life he is able to enjoy.
He knows and appreciates that too.

We've never regretted our choice to have just one child for a split second, never had a single doubt or even a slightly whistful thought.

Life is great and I would so recommend it to anyone. I think a lot of people would be more open to seeing the benefits of having just one child if they weren't so caught up with the societal pressures to have more than one and all the utter negativity that is peddled around only having one child. It's a real shame, particularly when children seem to get ever more expensive to care and provide for as the years go by.

I have a friend with 3 DC and she can see them all wanting to go to university and now as they are getting older she is beside herself with worry about how she and her DH will ever be able to afford it. At present she is completely skint because of all the clubs and activities they do and run ragged by getting them to them all and trying to work and run a home and family as well. She has very often said that she envies me my position and said she sometimes wonders what they were thinking of having 3 DC.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing...!

I can't help feeling a little smug.

Hi all, The decision to have one child seems to be feeling like the best decision more and more. Have yet to tell the family etc but that can wait. I'm sure they'll be disappointed and make it clear how they feel but its not their lives! we're already planning to take our DS to EuroDisney next year!! xx

Hi Bensmum I'm sure that over time you'll come to see this as a really positive decision - particularly as your DS gets older. I think people have these pangs of "guilt" about not giving their child a sibling far more while their child is still young than they do when they're older.

Have a great time at EuroDisney and just think how much more the whole thing would be costing you if you were having one or two more children with you!!!

Children are very expensive asccessories and I really believe that these days if you want to look after your children properly the average family can't afford the luxury of keeping on having more and more of them, they're simply too much of an ongoing huge financial commitment.

Oh and don't worry about telling the family, the number of children you have is entirely personal to you and your DH and absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with anyone else. It's simply nothing to do with them and if they feel disappointed then that's their problem, not yours. Fell no guilt about it whatsoever.

Thanx Genevieve! Great advice from u all xx

Oh God yes I have changed my mind untold times! We even had a perio of trying to another one before I changed my mind back. And now I see other people struggling with two (although I have one friend who manages effortlessly with three, and a friend who is a saint with 5 boys, aged 16, 10, 3, 2 and 1!) and I am pretty sure we have made the right decision to stop at one....for now anyway!