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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Explaining to your child...

15 replies

MindySimmons · 08/06/2010 15:31

My best friend has just had her second dd which means that now all my friends have 2 children. Those of you that know me on here know it's through choice that I have 1 so I mean no offense to all of you who didn't choose.

My dd and her dd1 are very close in age and so see each other regularly. However her dd1 does have some difficulties socially which in the past has been quite tough. In her own way, her dd adores my dd (refers to her as her best friend in the whole world, says she loves her the most etc), but then can also be very hurtful. It started very early on with the typical biting, hitting etc but as she has got older it's developed into more spiteful comments when she wants to lash out. The latest phase is a case of 'I'm so much better than you at xxxxx, I have this and you don't, I don't like you anymore etc etc. I'm not saying my dd is perfect but saying this sort of thing just wouldn't occur to her, so she finds it all quite confusing (after all they are both 3 and a half) Sorry for all the scene setting but it might help!

Anyway, I am pre-empting the latest thing that I think will happen but I'm aware that it might have much more of an impact on dd. Her friend now has a new sister and wants my dd round to show her. My dd would love to see the new baby but I can almost guarantee that there will be mention of 'I have a sister and you don't'. My dd adores babies, has never asked me for one though (yet!) but she's a curious little thing and it's highly likely she'll ask me why she doesn't have one.

So after all that rambling, what answer would you give? (BTW the reason for me is I adore dd, love our life, have a dh with long term health issues and we find 1 leaves us plenty of energy for play and attention and I love having other children over to play so for us it works)

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Original poster

MindySimmons · 08/06/2010 21:52

Bump

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 08/06/2010 21:57

My DD (2.9) has recently been asking if we can have another baby... I'm single parent and will be 45 in September so another baby is not on my horizon. I have gently explained to her that I don't want another baby because I have her and love her so very much. This isn't an easy one and I hope someone will come along soon who can give you a better answer.

jenroy29 · 08/06/2010 21:57

tell her the truth!

huffythethreadslayer · 08/06/2010 22:01

I've always been honest with dd. I would have liked more than 1 tbh but it wasn't to be. I've told my girl this since she was about 4. DD is now 9. She has recently admitted she'd like a bro or sis but, when I explained that this wasn't possible and said how sorry I was she said it didn't really matter. We then sat down and counted all the positives of being a one & only. And believe me, there are a truckload of advantages.

I always find honesty is the best way to go with things.

Your dd might love to know she's so loved and wanted and that you chose this for her so you could spend more time, money, effort on just her.

I hope she doesn't have to deal with negative comments but if she does, at least she's got a cracking mum to help her through it.

Portofino · 08/06/2010 22:08

Do you have any friends with "beastly" little brothers? This cured my dd's last attack of "only child" syndrome. Lordy, her face when they knocked her sandcastle over for the third time.....

Original poster

MindySimmons · 08/06/2010 22:38

Huffy that was so kind and thank u so much for your advice, really helpful and portofino - love the idea! Will think about it! I expect I have the same issue as many do, a dd that loves babies but of course is utterly unaware of the realities! She gets to enjoy everyone elses little bros and sisters without the toy destruction and frazzled mummy! What's great is one of close friends asked her if she would mind being her dc2's other big sister!

OP posts:

ASmallBunchOfFlowers · 09/06/2010 00:28

Hello Mindy

My child is a few years older than yours, but I just say that we can't have any more babies but that's fine as we're so delighted to have her.

When she's a bit older I might tell her more about the circumstances of her conception, although I'm still undecided about that - it's part of her story and she deserves to know but, on the other hand, people who conceive a baby through more straightforward methods don't usually share the details with the resulting offspring!

oxeye · 09/06/2010 01:04

Mindy, my DS has already asked why we don't have another baby, all his friends do. I just say that we can't have another baby. Last time he looked thoughtful and said, Mummy, when I'm a man I'll have a baby for us!
(he is only 3 though so not too tricky yet)
I think broadly truthful is best, by which I mean I prefer not to burden children with too much information!

Sounds like your sensible reasons will elicit a sensible response!

thumbwitch · 09/06/2010 01:18

I think your DD's friend might find out that babies aren't all they're cracked up to be when the shine wears off and she's being told to share, mind the baby, don't do that because the baby is sleeping, don't bother me just now, I'm feeding the baby etc. etc.

You can tell your DD things like that - but be careful how you phrase it - although at the moment it wouldn't cross her mind to say the hurtful things her friend does, she might get goaded into it at some point.

My DS is only 2.6 so we haven't got to the stage of being asked yet (plus we're still trying to have a 2nd) but he's very interested in other people's babies.

I think Huffy's response was very good as well, btw.

Chandra · 09/06/2010 01:21

DS started asking for a baby sister in the months after his dad moved out. I remember the conversation, it went someway as follows:

DS. Everybody has a younger sister and I don't.

Me. Mmm, should we ask to borrow one? which one would you like? Joe's sister?

DS. I hate her!

Me. Bella's sister?
DS. NO! she never let us play, and is always snatching toys.

Me. Martin's little sister?
DS. She cries for everything!

Me> Are you sure you want a little sister?
DS

thumbwitch · 09/06/2010 01:24

very clever Chandra!

DontCallMeBaby · 09/06/2010 18:53

Answer the question you're asked. And recognise whether it is a question or not! "I don't have a baby sister" is not a question. The answer to "WHY don't I have a baby sister" is "we [I] don't want another baby" or "couldn't have another baby". It's really easy to torment yourself thinking that a child wants to know all the details of why you didn't want or couldn't have another child. They don't necessarily - little children ask some pretty 'awkward' questions but can be (sometimes!) placated with the most straightforward and obvious answers.

Unfortunately DH decided to expand on 'why' and told DD we didn't have another baby because I was ill (PND) and now we get that rehashed from time to time. Argh.

GenevieveHawkings · 11/06/2010 23:59

If I were in your shoes and was asked by a 3 and a half year old "mummy, why can't I have a baby sister?" I think I'd say "the only way for you to have a baby sister is if mummy has another baby and mummy doesn't want to have one".

If I was asked "why" I would simply say "because I only wanted one baby so I had you".

If I was asked "don't you like babies?" I would say "of course I do but only enough to want one of my own and that was you".

If she kept on I think I'd bring the conversation to an end by saying "if you like babies you can have lots of your own when you grow up".

At age 3 and a half I would certainly be flippant and light about it and not get all deep and heavy. Children can be very easily distracted at that age anyway.

In my experience I was never asked this question by my DS and he witnessed lots of his peers having siblings when he was around the same age. The issue obviously never crossed his radar but if it had I would certainly have replied as set out above.

If you are comfortable with your decision to stick at one then I think the child wil be cool with it too.

In my experience (based on what I've read here and in RL) the only children who harp on about this are the ones who have parents who are always fretting about only havng one and it's almost always an issue of the parents (completely unintentionally usually) transferring their negative feelings about only having one on to the child who, in turn, picks up on it.

Original poster

MindySimmons · 12/06/2010 13:27

Think you're absolutely right genevieve, interesting she hasn't asked at all anyway! She appears to be happy having babies over to visit then giving them back! Bit like me :-)

feel very well prepared for the question should it arrive, so thx everyone

OP posts:

vesela · 16/06/2010 15:38

DD (3) hasn't yet specifically asked for a brother or sister, but told me the other day she was sad because we didn't have a baby at home. Then she added "Never mind, I've got a baby dolly." Of all the things I wouldn't have planned to say in reply...

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