An only by choice??

[guineagents]

Hi guys,
My 2nd post on here after having big wobbly last week about my decision to stick at one!

Have read through quite few older posts and was wondering if any of you out there who, like me, made a choice to only have one child, rather than due to circumstances, health, age etc.

I fell pregnant first time last time with my DS and had a easy pregnancy. I guess in a way I feel lucky and at 35 feel I have some time left to decide.

But then the flip side of that is I sometimes feel even more guilty my son wont have a sibling. Completely my choice. My decision and in my hands. Gulp..

Hope this doesnt offend anyone who hasnt been able to have another, wanted, child, just looking to others in similar position. I cant stop feeling selfish and a crap mum cos others cope with 4 or 5 kids and I cant manage one! I do like my own company, peace and space and find my DS a real grind on my patience tbh. I wish I had the capacity to like being a mum more

I am only having one. By choice.

I do not feel guilty about this. My pregnancy was horrid, I have some health issues I'm dealing with and I was 40 when my now 11 month old son was born.

The only one who can make you feel guilty is you.

If you are sure in your decision to only have one, what does it matter what other people do?

Not everyone is cut out to like being a mum. Just like not everyone is cut out to sing opera or dance ballet.

Guineagents - I could have written your post!

Lurk on this topic regularly, but first time I have posted. I feel sooo guilty that my son (2.8) wont have a sibling but, selfishly, I only see the negatives in life with more than one.

Part of this may be because I work full time, am the main breadwinner, and life is stressful enough. But I am 3 weeks away from leaving my job through voluntary redundancy and, although I cant afford to take tooo much of a pay cut, it does give me some options and the opportunity to improve my work-life balance.

Like you, I adore my son, but just dont enjoy motherhood as others seem to (although I think I am a good Mum ). I get lots oof practical help - he is the first grandchild for my parents, is doted on and Mum looks after him full time.

DH and I were married for 4 years before I had DS and even then it wasnt like a got broody and spent ages trying to get pregnant.

My sister is having a little boy in September so I'm hoping that will take the pressure off

Like Tee2072 says, I was trying to explain to Mum that 'not everyone is cut out to be an alpha mum with more than one child'. She cant get her head around it!

I guess deep down I am worried that I will regret it. I'm 38 by the way.

I have a 6 year old ds, and he is our only child through choice. Part of this "choice" is my age (42 on Sunday!) but also selfish reasons I guess. Our life is quite "easy" and certainly simple on a practical level. I went through a stage of feeling very guilty and still have "moments" particularly when I see him with his friends' younger siblings. At about 4 he started asking about having a brother or sister and I explained to him in very basic terms about what that would mean i.e. I wouldn't have time to play with him as much, we wouldn't be able to go on holiday as much, his younger sibling might break his toys, daddy would have to work more to pay for the baby etc. and he hasn't mentioned it since! He seems very happy, sees a lot of his friends/cousins, but equally enjoys his own company and having mummy & daddy to himself. As I say it's only when I see him being so gentle & loving with my friends' little ones that I think "oh god..." but then I guess he gets all the nice bits of the little ones and none of the other stuff! At the end of the day you have to make this decision for yourself and your partner, not for your child. My niece is also an only child and she is now 21 and says she has no regrets, that you don't miss what you never had, and is a very sociable, kind and loving girl. Jesus, I went on a bit there . Sorry!

so hard isnt it? Maybe it's easier for those who always knew theyd always have one? But I never felt that so feel bit more torn at what feels like my final decision ( not to have another) I always said id have at least 2, but found motherhood has been so much harder than Id ever anticipated..

My situation is im with a female partner now which makes things more difficult I guess. Obvio we cant just have kids on our own!! so another child would be a donor baby and dont know how this would fit as my 3 year old see his biological daddy regularly.

On a more selfish not, my boys dad takes him weekends so we have some MUCH longed for adult only time which feel so precious to me as Im not really an alpha mum! I really fear id end up resenting another child that meant i never had a break. Maybe ive been spoilt by current set up.. who knows

This feels like a huge decision ive made though and i need to be sad about it and thats healthy. Crazy things like I always wanted a white cot and imagined id have one for the second!How weird does that sound!

Not weird at all, guineagents! It's just part of "letting go" of what you thought would happen or what you thought you wanted. No-one ever knows what parenthood would be like for them until they enter into it .

I have one child by choice.

I had a fantastic, easy, trouble free pregnancy, no complications following birth, a wonderful happy, easy going, healthy baby who always fed and slept well and I love being a mum to my son but I only ever wanted one.

So, one child was all that was ever in the grant scheme of things for me right fom the word go and I couldn't be happier. I have the family I always dreamed of and hoped to have.

A lot of people said to me that once I had my baby I'd feel broody at some point down the line and end up having another and I must admit I was waiting for it to come but that feeling never came.

God why does this stupid site have no edit function for posts?!!

I meant to say "grand scheme of things"

We only have one, she is a much wanted and loved child, but, I am far too old to think about another and me and DH are very happy with a singleton. She doesn't appear to have missed out on siblinghood (word?) and is a very happy, well adjusted little girl of 9. You must do what makes you and your child happy. If one is the best for you, stick at it. Obviously you have different issues given your need for jiz, but in your position I think I'd still stick to one. My sister has 8. How she manages and what sort of shape her fanjo is in is anyones guess, but, horses for courses.

Signing in.

By and large my situation is that described by Genevieve....I was never maternal, even considered the possibility that I wouldn't have any children at all. Got pregnant v easily at 37, trouble free pregnancy and birth, trouble free toddlerdom and early childhood. I'm almost 45 now and people still tell me "oooh, it's not too late". Meh.

I am an only and a very happy one, so I suppose that colours my perceptions of only-ness. I think a lot of people confuse the terms "only" and "lonely". I'm never lonely, not even when I'm on my own. You can be the loneliest person in the world in a room full of people remember.

My daughter is very sociable, not shy in the slightest, has loads of friends, and a very active social calendar. Sure some only children are shy and spoilt (another old chestnut often spouted by the "awful-to-be-an-only" crowd) The most spoilt child I have ever met has an older sister, he is 6 and talks constantly about how much everything he has costs, what his Dad is buying for him next etc etc. Being shy, or spoilt has nothing to do with being an only or having siblings. It's to do with the individual child, and the values we, as parents, bring them up with.

I'm there with Genevieve too, boy is an only by choice, our choice. For a long time I thought no kids, then that changed to one child maybe. people have suggested I'll feel broody, but it ain't happened yet and as Dh has been snipped now its too late.

We enjoyed a long spell married and doing fun stuff, then had boy a few years back and are enjoying life again able to do things we like doing. Boy is much loved and wanted , sociable, good with his cousins, able to amuse himself and able to do a host of stuff his peers with younger sibs don't get to do.

Hi guinea, another with one by choice (and an only myself)

My top tip - never read this board - the only time I feel bad about it is if I read too many threads off here . . .

Instead, read the 'I'm going through hell because all my kids are squabbling' / 'why is it so hard having three dcs' etc threads, and you will be much happier

@ Takver - great tip

love it Takver! However, I would have to say that I come on here when I do have any twinges of guilt and feel better to find out I am not alone (I do not know any other one child families in RL).

The number of post you read from mums of more than one who feel terribly guilty about not having enough time with each and many other charges against them in the court of Motherhood have led me to the conclusion that we are the instigators of the guilt and our decisions will only effect our children if we project onto them.
We should celebrate the fact that we are able to be honest and insightful enough about ourselves to know what we are good at and what we are not. Love being the mum of one, would be utterly terrified at the prospect of mum of more. What I don't want for my d is a mum that 'copes' I want her to have a mum that enjoys it

Another one here - my situation is identical to the OP. I got over my guilt when DS was about 4 and I realized that actually there was nothing to feel guilty about. Am thoroughly enjoying motherhood now I have stopped worrying about having to do pregnancy and babies again! My mother has been a big supporter (she only wanted one but ended up having three).

Thanks guys some great tips!

Drusilla- my mum too- a mum of three who tells me over and over again "only have one. I only ever wanted one" with a kind of fear in her voice! When I remind her I was number 3 she shuts up!

Lol! I am number 2 and her mantra is "one is plenty"!

I chose to have an only, I'm 28 and my Son is now 10. Life is amazing! I too love my space/time to myself etc, and with one, especially as they get older, there's no shortage of spare and free time.

I am more than happy with my choice, I would not change it for the world. Neither do I feel guilty, when I have conversations with people about my choice, it goes something like this-

"I am raising one child, I'm going to do a damn good job of it, and my contribution to the world will be an intelligent, self assured, compassionate young man"

All women are different, some enjoy and can cope just fine with 3 or 4 children and some of us do a better job just having the one. It's recognizing what will suit you and your family that's important.

I think people are actually beginning to wise up to the fact that having one child as a lifestyle choice is not such a crack pot idea.

Only today the mum of my DS's schoolfriends said to me during a conversation "you know, I think you had the right idea having just one, it must be nice just having one to focus on, I sometimes wonder what we were doing having three".

So you see, the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.

I certainly don't envy her the ability to be able to muster a larger game of Monopoly or Scrabble with her brood because to be honest, personally that's about the only benfit I can see to having a larger family!

It always annoys me when people assume an only child will miss out if they don't have a sibling. I have an older brother with whom I have nothing in common... and never have done! When my mum eventually dies I can imagine we won't see each other at all. We never had a disagreement or anything but just are totally different people. So just because you may have more than one, as with everything, there are no guarentees...

I'm 28, my son is nearly 3 and I am getting less and less broody as time goes on. I feel like I'm getting my career back, and I couldn't afford to do it and spend two lots of childcare (in armed forces), I am seriously starting to think about getting rid of all my baby stuff as I am doubting I will use it again. My DH is quite dead set against another asw ell. It's quite a simple thing for me, after cracking potty training and other mile stones, I really dread the thought of having to do it all again, it doesn't appeal to me.

Forgot to say, I didn't massively enjoy the baby time, however I'm absolutely loving the relationship I have with my son now. I left my DS when he was 10 months old for 4 months and couldn't ever face leaving another baby again so maybe thats a factor in not wanting more til.

Im in a total confused state at the moment. I have a 6 month old son and always said I would have another as soon as I could get pregnant again (It took 3 years to get pregnant the 1st time). I come from a family of 5 and could not imagine being an only child. At the moment im really struggling with my son hes up every 2 hours every night naps for only half hour in the day and im due back at work in a month or so. Im starting to have doubts now and Im not sure if this is because Im struggling at the moment and think I wont be able to cope with another or whether I realise that I have all I ever wanted in my son. Im so torn, I dont want to wait 5 years and then have another as Id really have to go through everything again where as another soonish would mean Id still be used to sleepless nights and racing about. - Anyone else felt the same?

Err, Fizzyme, I doubt it...

Have you not noticed that this is a thread is for people who have one child out of personal choice.

I doubt therefore that any of those people would have been contemplating when they were going to have their next one/what the right timing would be etc because they never ever wanted another one!!

hi Fizzy, I feel your pain on the sleep front - my dd was a dreadful sleeper for the first 3 - 4 years of her life. Maybe worth posting in the general Parenting topic - you might get more helpful suggestions?

From the 'can't imagine being an only child' I can perhaps help as I'm an only child, and from my point of view I can't imagine having a sibling, IYSWIM. Certainly my experience was and is that being an only is fine.

Hi Fizzyme - just wanted to say that I hope the sleep situation improves but I wouldn't make the decision solely based on this phase in development, it will get better (unfortunately I can't predict for you when!) However, my decision is based exactly what you said later in your post - I don't just want to be a mummy that 'copes' and I love my dd so much, I just have not had the broodiness again. I bought a phil and teds when having dd as I was convinced we'd have 2 but once she arrived, I've just never had the pull for another. She wasn't difficult but if I am honest with myself, I think motherhood has taken some getting used to . Same for dh, dd is the light of his life but he has some health issues that do effect his energy and dd is a true bundle of fun, so enough for us!