Should I stop trying to 'socialise' DD?

[ononandon]

She is 10 and has always been a bit shy even though she loves being with other kids. I am always trying to get her to join one club or another to give her more company but each time she either refuses to go or goes for a token couple of times and then stops. She spends every day now after school at home watching TV and doing art stuff which she really enjoys. Today I mentioned a Saturday club I had seen some info on and she blew up at me, shouted that she was sick of me trying to make her take part in things, that she was fine spending time at home, then she stormed upstairs in tears. I respect the fact that she can be very content at home with me but I don't feel I can leave it like that all the time otherwise she's going to become more and more shy of others and it'll become a vicious circle. Any thoughts?

Leave her be is my advice. I have the exact opposite, my nearly nine dd is the most sociable and outgoing child. She wants to be in clubs and do after school stuff and if it makes her happy, so be it. Could you compromise and have your dd attend one or two a week?

I would be ecstatic for her to go to one or two a week instead of doing none at all at present. I was just wondering if anyone else has had the same problems with their one and only and what they decided to do about it.

I think you need to respect her personality and just make sure she knows the option is open to her. I say this as a confirmed introvert - give me the choice and I would prefer a nice night in with a good book, a hot bath etc. and I'm very happy in my own company. This doesn't mean that I dislike being with other people, quite the opposite, but there is only so much I need IYSWIM - usually work and a few close friends is enough for me. I assume your DD goes to school so perhaps that is enough for her.

Also, if you back completely off she might feel abit more in control of it and decide to go to something?

That is good advice 'shoe, I just worry that she is spending so much time with me and dp that she is turning into a middle-aged 10-year-old and that she is reinforcing her shyness which in the end could become a vicious circle for her. I think I will risk another upset and book the Saturday club but with the proviso that if that fails I will give it a rest.

Does she have a particular friend who could go to the club with her? It's possible that she feels a bit anxious about being the 'new' person.

What sort of clubs are you sending her to? Are they groups that are of interest to her? She likes art - is there an art club locally? Or maybe you and her could join a general art club together?

I think your assumption that 'she's going to become more and more shy of others and it'll become a vicious circle' is wrong.

I was a shy kid, am still shy as an adult. I probably would have been like her at that age. I got more interested in socialising when I became a teenager.

Now as an adult I have a friends, hobbies, a job, etc, but I definitely like to spend more time at home than other people I know.

She goes to school doesn't she? She socialises with with other kids there. Presumably you also meed up with friends and family sometimes. Maybe it's enough for her.

I was like this as a child too, and I had 3 very sociable siblings.

My mum used to push me into doing more / going out more "like your sisters do" and it made me feel as if there was something 'wrong' with me that she was trying to fix Which made me feel bad about myself and didn't help my shyness at all.

Like Sparks I got a lot more interested in socialising as a teenager (about 13/14 onwards) when my mum stopped 'pushing' me, and I had more freedom and could make my own decisions about where to go.

ononandon don't worry - being shy is just a part of your DD's character - it's nothing to do with being an only child. She'll find her own ways through and you really should just let her be herself any enjoy doing what she wants to do. It sounds as though you want her to conform to some sort of ideal of a 10 year old girl that you have in your head.

My DS (same age as your DD) is an only child and he is the loudest, most ougoing extrovert, gregarious child you could ever wish to meet.

There is a family next door to me and they have 4 boys and they are all painfully shy and introvert. It's just how they are.

"I am always trying to get her to join one club or another to give her more company"

The fact that she blew up indicates to me that she finds this constant trying of clubs stressful. If going somewhere new with people you don't know is hard for her, leave it.

Just invite round occasionally someone from school and let them potter about doing artwork or whatever happens naturally.

If you really do want to try another club, leave it for a bit. I wouldn't do it right now when she has erupted. She is obviously stressed. Maybe she finds school stresful too nad relishes unwinding in the safe cosiness of home. Let her do that.

It sounds as if you are irritating the poor girl beyond belief. I have a sibling but spent most of my time as a child pottering around at home on my own. I haven't turned out shy or socially inept in any way.

If I were you I would apologise for pushing her too far, let her know that you will stop and tell her that if she sees anything she wants to join she only has to ask.

I know exactly what you mean! We have an only 7 year old boy(well, I have an 18 year old but the age gap is too vast for them to 'play' together)
I yearn for him to have the type of childhood I had - playing in the street all day every day. I'm not an only child but, ironically, it wouldn't have mattered in the 70s as there were so many children to play with, rather than now when they are all indoors with their electronic games and we are all indoctrinated with 'stranger danger' fear and so worry about letting them out.
Nobody around here lets their kids out to play. It is such a shame.
His school friends are in sibling groups and he doesn't get many playdates, despite my constantly inviting people here.
i spent a couple of years trying to persuade him to do this and that activity and to join every club under the sun. He says no to all of them and is happy to just potter around the house.
I have tried absolutely everything to get him to have more 'friends' and to socialise more but I now realise I have to stop worrying and accept the situation.
Ironically, my parents still live on the council estate I grew up and there are loads of kids playing out there but it just doesn't happen in many other neighbourhoods.

Be careful what you wish for Allison64. A lot of council estates are not what they were in the 1970s. The sort of children who are playing out on your parents' estate in 2010 are more than likely probably not the sort of children you would want your DS to mix with, even if he had the chance to.

My mother has council houses near to her and when the elderly tenants she knows who have lived in the houses for years move off into sheltered accommodation, or die, they are replaced with what can only be described as the lowest of the low and their children can only be described as feral. No one decent ever seems to come to live there anymore.

I totally agree with you that not many children are "let out to play" as they would have been 30 or 40 years ago, and that is sad. Don't stress about this because your DS certainly won't be alone in his situation and I'm sure the vast majority of his classmates wil be in similar position with having parents who are not comfortable with letting them play out alone. Times have changed and it's just a sign of the times I'm afraid.

My DS has a lot of friends who are in "sibling groups" as you call them and they still complain of being bored and find they spend a lot of time on their own too. Some have big sisters or brothers who they have nothing in common with, or who find them annoying, whilst others have little brothers and sisters who they find boring and annoying. Children get to an age when they're not always that happy to play with their siblings like they did when they were little. My own neice and nephew who are very close in age are constantly squabbling and fighting and don't seem to get on very well together at all for the most part.

So the grass is not always as green on the other side of the fence as you might like to think it is...

My advice would be let your DS be for now. In time, he'll be old enough and independent enough to meet up with his own friends and do his own thing. He'll find his own interests in his own time. 7 is still quite young to have developed firm interests. Trying to push him into things and getting constantly knocked back by him will only add to your frustration. Just leave him be to do what makes him happy for now and let him come to you if he has any ideas about what he'd like to do.

Everything will work out, you'll see, and one day you'll find yourself looking back and wondering what you ever worried about.

Hi

Thanks very much for your reply and advice.

Yes, I know what you mean about the sort of 'feral' kids you can get on estates, as I teach in a local comp and encounter them on a daily basis!
I suppose in my previous message, I was indulging in a touch of 'we were poor but happy' nostalgia. I always seem to see quite small children there whizzing up and down on bikes and scooters on the council estate, which I never see around here. Everybody is 'hidden' on my street by long drives and high hedges. We sometimes hear children playing but don't actually see them.
Luckily, my parent's neighbours are a Tanzanian family, who are delightful and very respectful to my parents. She has four children and my son often plays with her two boys.

I guess I would really like a situation where people could knock on each other's doors, without everything having to be pre arranged.

That's lovely that your DS can play with his grandparents' neighbours children Allison64. Just think, some people who have two or more children don't even bother to socialise their children outside of the family and use the lazy philosophy of "their brothers/sisters are all they need".

A case in point - my neighbours have four boys. They're all grown up now but in all the years I've lived here (from when they were quite small) I never saw one of those boys have a child in to play or go outside of their house to play with anyone else. They never had birthday parties or went out to any clubs or activities or anything. They must have encountered other children at school but that was presumably unavoidable! They've all grown up to be extremely odd boys and yet they say "onlies" are odd!

If having siblings makes you turn out like them to be introvert and socially inept then give me my outgoing and sociable only child any day of the week!

Ononandon - I empathise. My DD is shy and enjoys what can only be described as solitary pursuits!

But, you know what, thats just how she is. For every outgoing, sociable person that exists there is an introverted one. If she spends 5 days per week at school surrounded by people then she probably doesn't need anymore.

Being a sociable extrovert is not the only way to be happy in life.

Out of interest - are you a sociable extrovert type? I know I am and this makes understanding my daughter more difficult. I imagine she must be unhappy being alone but my husband says she would be more unhappy if she did all things that I would like her to! He is an introvert too.

As for being middle aged. I think some only children are more adult in their approach to life. But I don't see this as a disadvantage. Also - I don't see it as being solely due to their lack of a sibling. I had a sibling but I still always preferred adult company and adult pastimes. I love being a "grown up" and having the freedom to do my own thing and not have to always be in a group activity!

My friend's only child is incredibly outgoing and has to be reigned in from always touching/following others around.

The best gift you can give your daughter is to celebrate who she is. There is loads of time for her to get interested in clubs, hobbies etc when she wants to and in her own time - not to your timetable. Don't stress her out now by asking her to do something she clearly doesn't enjoy.

Hello just read your thread, my daughter is 11(Feb) and similar, if youre in the South East they would probably get on

God yes, leave her alone! I speak as a previously shy child and I hated (and still resent) the continued efforts of my mum trying to get me to join in. I'm sure she had my best interests at heart, but it made me feel as though she was ashamed of me being shy.

It was horrible being shy and this just highlighted it for me. Leave her to come into her own.

GenevieveHawkings just a tad judgey there

Can I just say that as a shy only child, the worst thing would have been for me to have been forced to do things I didn't want to do.

It would have completely knocked my confidence being reminded twice a week that I didn't quite fit it etc.

At 10 years old she is old enough to decide whether she wants to go or not. She has your adult company and the company of other kids in school. That may well be enough for her at the moment.