DD crying last night about not having a brother or sister

[stripeyknickersspottysocks]

I feel awful.

She is 9, I'm 33 so young enough to have another but I don't really want one and have been sterilised. I found myself wondering though whether I should see about a reversal, but then it would be a nightmare with house being too small, having to move or extend, childcare for work would be a nightmare. We would probably have to move 80 miles away to be nearer DH's work as he has more of a 9-5 job and I work shifts. So its hard at the minute as we have to have a childminder who starts very early so DH can get to work in time, current childminder is going to finish minding in 2 years time and we struggled finding her. I could get a job in a hospital near DH I suppose.

But I would only be having another to please DD, i don't really want another myself. I enjoy not having a demanding baby or toddler to look after. There are all sorts of nice things we do as a family of 3 that we wouldn't be able to afford to do as a family of 4.

I've explained to her that if I had another now she's be 10 when it was born, she'd be 12/13 by the time it was playing and at that age she's going to be off with friends not playing with a toddler. She was sobbing that she's lonely and that me and DH are too busy to play with her. She asked if I could adopt a child her own age so she could have a sister. I told her they might not get on and there would be arguing, etc but she's adament they would be best friends.

Now I do think I spend a lot of time with DD. I only work 3 days a week, we are always going off and doing stuff together at weekends whether its shopping (which she loves), cinema or a day out somewhere. This weekend coming we are having a shopping morning, dvd afternoon, car boot day and then Legoland. I do make the effort to do stuff with her.

I suppose I tend to leave her to entertain herself in the evenings after school. She'll do homework and then watch TV while I sort tea out, etc. She's not complained about this before but I'm going to try and see if she'd rather play a boardgame or something instead of watching TV so at least I'm offering to spend time with her.

She says that weekends when I'm working are the worst as DH doesn't spend much time with her. DH will offer to take her out for a bike ride or walk but she usually says no and will then watch TV all day while I'm at work. We maybe need to work something out here. I don't work many weekends, maybe one and a half a month.

She has more pets than anyone I know in an attempt to make up for no sibling.

What do I do?

Easy. Invite her friends over all the time. Weekends when you're working, she has a friend for a sleepover and dh throws the odd pizza at them.

It sounds like it's about what she does with her time, not whether she has a sibling. If I was your dh I would not be taking no to his plans for an answer, I would make a fun plan and do it with her. Does she not have friends to see at weekends, or activities with other kids?
Don't beat yourself up about it - it sounds like an issue you can all sort out together to solve her feeling lonely.

TBH on the weekends you're working maybe you should see if she can have friends round to play/go to a friend's house as that sounds to be the loneliest time for her.

My ds has been an only since his elder brother died when dswas 5. He has sometimes (tho' not lately) said he wishes he had a brother to play with but I've always tried to compensate by having open house, esp. in the primary years. We had kids round at least 2, sometimes 3 times a week.

She will get over this, but I know how heartbreaking it can be.

Friends round at the weekend sounds a good idea, she does have friends over for tea after school quite often but I've never asked anyone over at weekends as I just assumed that people are doing family stuff at weekends. No harm in asking though. Thanks.

It is heartbreaking, I was nearly crying.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: all this "family time" stuff is a load of crap. Kids of this age (and more and more so the older they get) want to be with friends. If she has a friend over one weekend, her parents get a break, and then maybe she could go to their a weekend that you work.

You could beat yourself up for ever, but every person/family has something not perfect about it. I had lots of siblings and CRAVED peace and quiet. It's much better to start beiong really proactive about inviting friends and see how quickkly she cheers up.

Agree, "family time" by the time ds was 11 was torture for him, all that going for long walks & NT houses, he loathed it and as soon as he was old enough (which we decreed was 11.5), we'd go off and leave him with a mate and his ps3

And she thinks that having a sibling would mean you spent more time with her? She has very unrealistic ideas of what a baby or toddler in the house would mean - and if she has another session like this, I would sit down with her and work through what would happen if there was a 2yo in the house...

Sounds as though you need also to get DH on-side and doing things more proactively when you're working at the weekend - even if it means just enabling friends to come over, but certainly not giving the all-day TV as an option.

It makes you want to weep doesn't it (i have an only ds aged 6)... but I agree with everyone else. You and dh need a stronger plan of campaign for your working days and after school stuff. I do find weekends the hardest because some people do like to do family things, but actually lots of people don't or are happy to have another tagging along.

Having said that, you need to have a chat with your dh about strategy. Asking kids whether they want to go for a walk or a bike ride IMO is madness, madness I tell you! But once you can get them out there, they LOVE it. You need to source some other kids who like going for bike rides, fishing (or whatever), fix it up with the other parents, and TELL your dd on friday night 'oh isn't it brilliant, Josie's coming over tomorrow after school and you're both going for a bike ride with Dad! And then you're going to come home and make popcorn with her, and she's dying to play with the guinea pigs because she loves animals and her mum's allergic to them! Isn't that brilliant, aren't you lucky to have a guinea pig!' etc etc. I think at 9 she may still need quite a bit of direction, especially if it's new to have friends over after school.

What's your sleepover policy? DS and I are complete slags about sleepovers, ds is anyone's frankly as he loves it so much. Of course you have to be willing to reciprocate, and as a parent of an only IMO you need to reciprocate more often because you need it more than other people. Sleepovers are lush as they have a great time and also, very importantly, they get a slightly more realistic view of life with siblings. Telling them this that and the other about how much less time you would have with a baby is neither here nor there to her as it is like denying her feelings which are perfectly real, but actually having to muck in with another family, or having more children around at home and having to share, teaches them in a much more helpful way.

Also what clubs and things does she do, if any? Saturday mornings it is hopeless trying to get any of ds's friends over now as everyone is doing ballet, gym, tennis, music... (ds does tennis ) If cost is a problem, think about the children's community chest (google it for your area). If you have problems with feeling pushy or her not wanting to do things, well, I think pushing her to try something (anything) at least for a term would be well worth it. Again, a bit less asking and a touch more telling would be good here.

Does your dd have cousins? Also v important if they are anywhere within reach - at least for Fridays after school, if not during normal weekdays?

well said, choosy

She doesn't do any activities at weekends. She just does drumming one evening a week. She's tried ballet, horse riding, beavers and brownies and hasn't stuck at any of them for any length of time.

Her cousins are a all 2 hours away.

We do have her friends over for sleepovers but it does tend to be a school holiday thing so maybe we ought to step that up. I'm also going to talk to DH about not giving her the choice of doing something but just taking her out as I think you're right she does enjoy it when she's out.

Will also google Community Chest and see what that's about, I think she could do with some weekend activity of some description.

Thanks for all the advice.

Check with her that her friendships at school are ok.

I used to rage at my mother that I was lonely, and that she didn't spend enough time with me (I was one of three) but a lot of the issue was that I felt it was too harsh to be lonely all day at school and be expected to amuse myself all evening too.

Also, if her friendships are ok, get some visitors her age to come round in the evenings. Make it easy for their parents by offering to drop off after dinner, or even a weekend sleepover (not too daunting with only one other girl)

Why did she give up on ballet, riding, Beavers and Brownies? She says she's lonely but she also seems to be turning down the opportunity to go and do things with other children. I know that ballet or Brownies don't suit everyone but to have tried and rejected four things, without finding one to continue with, seems a lot. Is there some difficulty at school? Were these other activities with the same children?

I agree about limiting screen time. Just wish I could achieve it myself!

She only went to ballet once and hated it - fair enough.

She liked riding but wasn't keen once it got colder. I offered for her to start it again this time last year and she said no.

Beavers she did for a few months and then said she found it boring.

We moved her to a different school a year ago, a much smaller school. There are only 6 kids in her year. She misses her friends from her old school, they do still come for tea. She started Brownies as 3 of her friends from her old school went to Brownies and she wanted to see them, but then her best friend left Brownies so DD decided she didn't want to go anymore.

6 kids in one year is really really hard. DS was one of only 4 boys in his yr at primary of 15 kids and luckily got on with all of them, but if he hadn't it would have been v difficult

DS is an only and sometimes says that he would like a sibling but we are in the same position as you - neither DH nor I wants another.

We do have lots of sleepovers - DS is very excited because next weekend we have my friend's one yr old coming for a 'sleepover' (she and her DH are going away for his birthday) and so DS is looking forward to being a 'big brother' for the night.

We also (gently) 'encourage' DS to keep going with his activities - fortunately, he loves Beavers and riding but needs more of a push with swimming. I think you need to be a bit firmer with her about taking part in things! It sounds as if you do loads more with her than we do with DS but as if she's a bit quick to give up on her own activities.

It's quite tough for you both. I wonder if a team sport would be an idea, in that there's a bit of peer pressure about keeping turning up? Or is she at a school where she does lots of sport anyway?

I keep thinking about this because it's such an issue for us too. I'm probably much too gung ho about making her do things because ds is younger and therefore more persuadable. With any luck she will get closer to the children at her new school over time and things will settle down - i really hope so.

oh dear. I feel for her, but I always wanted a sister. A SISTER! NOT A BROTHER!

I honestly feel your pain because nobody wants to think that they're denying their child something they really want when it's not even a material thing, but a 'family' thing.

I think she's got a bee in her bonnet that THIS would fix everything and suddenly make everything great and you know that she'd be disappointed.

The fact that she left brownies just because one other child left makes me think that she feels she needs somebody with her at all times to 'prop her up'. Safety in numbers. It's natural. But something like drama classes to give her the confidence to go it alone and do things first and even if her friends AREN'T doing them would be good.

i was like this when I was a child. I felt that everything would be instantly wonderful if only I had a sister. I craved company and I loved to be around other children BUT I was also quite cautious and could sometimes be a little shy at first.

It's a tricky combo of character traits!

I've talked to her tonight about doing riding again or starting gymnastics or street dance and she is adament she doesn't want to.

She did do drama for a bit and enjoyed it but we had to stop it as she needed some tuition (very behind at school) and the tuition clashed with drama. We've stopped the tuition now as she's caught up (this is the reason we changed school) so I'll talk to her tomorrow about starting drama again.

I aLso think there is a little bit of using her "being lonely" as a weapon. We've been out all morning shopping, had a nice time. Come home had lunch, played Yhatzee, grandma came round and we did gardening together. I sat down for a bit and within 30 mins she was moaning that she was bored and I didn't love her as I wasn't playing with her.

oh stripey i think you're exactly right about the weapon - i recognise the scenario totally with ds

My only DD aged nearly 11 still complains every night about not having a sibling to share a room with (she has a lovely rose tinted image of what it would be like). She will not be getting one and I am convinced that she really wouldn't like the reality.

You are spot on about the weapon, stripey - she has recognised that you feel guilty and is playing on it!

I think you have done and are doing all you can Stripey. Please don't think me harsh but maybe the time has come to be less worried and understanding (which I think maybe is being played upon here) and maybe take a brisker approach?

Maybe try not to keep being drawn into discussions about it. It sounds like you are making a lovely life for your dd and she is trying all sorts of activities and has your attention and love.

I have to take that tack with my own dc when they want the things I'd dearly love for them but just can't give for whatever reason.

In our case it's rather an opposite problem; not enough of me or time to go round and unable to get to half the activities that dc want to do and someone inevitably disappointed.

Although dh and I try very very hard to squeeze everthing in it doesn't always work. One of the things I know my dc always want is more friends for sleepovers which can be very difficult for us and I have to say no or I'd have potentially 6 children if they had a friend each and space is a issue. So it's a rare treat for them to have that and one that they savour.

In the long run..well it's hard, but it's life isn't? Working round less than ideal situations is not always a bad thing to come to terms with.

I have seen both sides of this. I am an only but have 3 dc of my own. I would have liked a sibling - not so much as a child, but as I have got older I think. But my parents didn't want more dc and that was that.

I would certainly have loved to have had parents who noticed I was a bit lonely and tried all the lovely things you do to make it better. They didn't really click on to any of this.

You sound a great mum

"I've said it before and I'll say it again: all this "family time" stuff is a load of crap". Maybe for your family, Hully, but not for lots of families I know.

BendyBob is right, I think, about being brisk. I have a relative (who is not an only child, by the way) who was never encouraged by her parents to stick at anything. She quit Brownies after a week, quit her Saturday job on the first day, etc etc. My own mater, who is rather brisk about such matters, would have frogmarched me back until I'd given them a fair trial, but hers just acquiesced. My relative still is socially awkward and isolated, in large part I think because she was not willing to engage with people (or the outside world) except on her own terms.

I think one does have to encourage a "just get on with it" attitude.