"only child syndrome"

[izzium]

A friend of mine was telling me about some of the children in her DD's class and came out with "they are real prima donnas - of course, it's only child syndrome".

She has said something similar before and another friend has come out with comments like this too.

It's really starting to make me feel . I know only children sometimes get more attention but it doesn't always mean they turn into spoilt, prima donnas does it? IMO, they turn out like this because of bad parenting NOT because they are only children.

How do others cope with comments about this?

Terrible generalisation of course, but it could be possible that onlies are more used to someone picking up after them and not having to share their living space in the way that siblings have to.

It becomes relevant in the narrow context of hiring aupairs. Some families avoid hiring onlies. I did not think much of it until I hired an aupair that was an only child. Suffice to say it did not last.

Not relevant to the OP but I am loving the Wikipedia suggestion that "firstborns are more likely to be born into small families" err surely every family has a firstborn to start off with or am I missing something

Maybe families with more than 3 children just cut to the chase with a second born?!?

This is heteronormative mundane conformist wank and you can tell her I said so.

I love having an only, I want her to have Prima Donna syndrome, that's why I had just the one.

OK, it's very scaled down in my family, I have very little, but I want to just spoil my one child.

There's nothing wrong with having one, or with buying them things.
If others don't like it, then tough!

I've had it said to me, which is odd, given how small a budget I have.
What I said was, my finances were none of her business, and to never talk to me about it again.
She's never spoken to me again, which is fine by me.

daisy, I think it probably helps if you think along the lines of two groups of 20 children - the first group being made up of siblings from 2-child families and the second group being made up of sblings from 5-child families, the first group will have 10 1st borns in it, whilst the second group will only have 4 1st borns - therefore 1st borns are more prevalent in a population of small families. Or something like that!

What is this fascination with first borns and this whole "precius first born" crap?

Any normal, caring parent loves all their children don't, reagardless of the order they're born in so by definition they're all precious.

I don't see it. There seems to be a so called "syndrome" for every child - only child, baby of the family, middle child.

All coimplete and utter crap.

What I can see however, is than in families where there are is more than one child very often a parent will have a favourite child and than can cause problems both with the favourite child and the less favoured child/ren.

Mugglewump said:

"I love having an only, I want her to have Prima Donna syndrome, that's why I had just the one."

(* note coloquial definitions of the term "prima donna", variously someone who wishes to be treated with special deference, someone who is arrogant, vain, temperamental conceited, self-absorbed, bitchy, unreasonable, difficult to work with, someone who exhausts you with their constant need for affection to glorify their massive egos, a person who is vain and considers themselves too good to do certain tasks or live under conditions they consider beneath them, someone who has a far higher opinion of themselves than anyone else does)

Not sure if that's a tounge-in-cheek comment Mugglewump (hope for your DD's sake it is) but if it's not then that's what I'm on about.

In every case, the problems with spoiled kids, and the sort of behaviour that gives rise to people wittering with nonsense about "only child syndrome", has far more to do about the parents than the kids.

Yousee, this behaviour is by no means limited to only children. Sadly these days all too often parents of girls seem to think that this whole "prima donna" "princess" "little madam" persona is to be wholly encouraged.

There are many spoiled children but spoiled 'only children' do tend to have similar characteristics, as do spoiled 'youngest' children, and then the middle children etc.

My parents live in China and the 'only child and grandchild' is very very obvious.

Thanks for replies. Some very interesting points on here, made me feel so much better. Am trying to form a witty and to the point reply if she says anything again...

You're right, blueshoes, your generalisation was terrible.

Posie - I didn't understand either of your last two posts.

Well, spoiled younger children tend to be 'babied' only children who are spoiled tend to be selfish and self centred, not unique to only children of course. But the lack of sharing, being centre of attention etc produces a certain type of spolied....It's really not too complicated.

Don't all children who are spoiled tend to be "self-centred and selfish"? My DH's neice is and she is the oldest of two.

My DD is an only and so are two of her best friends. The three of them play beautifully together - must be down to the wonderful parenting

Of course it is RebeccaRabbit

Obnoxious children are always the result of poor parenting and if you're a crap parent you'll be a crap parent to whatever number of children you happen to have - be that one, 2, 3, 4, 5 or even more.

genevieve - anyone with more than one child knows that a child's personality is largely apparent from birth, and that you can raise two children identically to have one generous,happy souled little sunbeam (with a complete lack of sensitivity) and one grumpy, prone-to-tears stropmeister (who nevertheless will come and cuddle you if 'your face looks sad)

Parenting is NOT all.

'Precious first born' is nothing to do with the level you love the child, and never has been.

It's an indicator of expected level of parental neurosis.

EG I wouldn't go to the toilet while Ds1 was awake. I happily went to the toilet while DS2 was awake. Doesn't mean I loved Ds2 less, it just means I got a grip in the three year interim.

My only child dd is a prima donna but then again so am I.

Given that list I posted, why would anyone be proud to say that their child was a "prima donna". It's beyond me.

I can't get my head around the mentality that think it's some sort of badge of honour.

Coldtits - that's the old nature v nurture debate. Personally, I subscribe to the view that 99% of the generally obnoxious behaviour to which we're reffering here is learned, not innate.

Izzi, I'd say to her if she says this kind of stuff again "it's not like you to be so unimaginative and cliched".

She's talking complete claptrap and you should challenge it. There are so many well adjusted singletons out there. I take it you have one?

Do it for yours then - and do it for my DS, who is a singleton but is the most thoughtful, caring child whose absolute and only first thought at school when with other children/adults, is their feelings. Who is unfailingly polite. Who would give the shirt off his back to please a friend. These kind of generalisations do say more about the adult spouting them than about single children but they are ALWAYS worth challenging, imo.

I didn't read you list, have done so and none of it sounds like me or my dd. We must be of the nice prima donna variety.

I am quite vain though, although in my case it is quite important that I pay attention to my appearance as otherwise I am liable to crack mirrors.

wastwinsetandpearls given that a prima donna has two definitions - the first being the most important female singer in an opera company and the second being variously the list I gave - I'd say that maybe you're using entirely the wrong term to describe yourself and your DD if you don't identify with anything in the second definition...?

I'm assuming here, for the purposes of this discussion, that neither you or your DD are in fact prominant opera stars?

Yes we are Lancashire's first mother and daughter opera singing team.

Some only children are spoiled brats.

Some only children are prima donnas.

So are some children with siblings.

"spoiling" a child is not dependent on them being singular, it's dependent on them having parents with values different, say, to mine.

As a parent of an only, as an only, and as daughter of an only.

As a teacher, the most spoiled children I see are almost always firstborn boys. (if we're generalising)

That's Ok then, you were clearly spot-on with your description of the pair of you.