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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

"only child syndrome"

62 replies

izzium · 31/03/2010 22:30

A friend of mine was telling me about some of the children in her DD's class and came out with "they are real prima donnas - of course, it's only child syndrome".

She has said something similar before and another friend has come out with comments like this too.

It's really starting to make me feel . I know only children sometimes get more attention but it doesn't always mean they turn into spoilt, prima donnas does it? IMO, they turn out like this because of bad parenting NOT because they are only children.

How do others cope with comments about this?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Hulababy · 31/03/2010 22:32

IMO there is no such thing.

If anyone said such a thing to me, especially a friend, I would comment.

mehdismummy · 31/03/2010 22:34

i have one ds and he is a happy confident little boy, people who says things that as they are jealous, i would like another dc but its never gonna happen, si god yes i am blessed to have my darling boy x

doozle · 31/03/2010 22:36

It's pretty insensitive if she knows you have an only. Do you think she was saying it off the cuff or to wind you up?

Original poster

izzium · 31/03/2010 22:42

doozle, she's not the type of person to say something nastily but that makes it worse for me. It's obviously something that just trips off the tongue with people as it's a common misconception.

I have been winding myself up and thinking about saying something but am sure she would be mortified and upset if I told her how I felt.

OP posts:

MindySimmons · 01/04/2010 10:07

HI Izzium - Perhaps she needs to be upset and mortified a litle. IMO I would say something, as you'll find lots of parents on this board that do not have one by choice and it amazes me that people don't think about this before opening their mouths. There are some here that struggle with having one when they would have wished dearly for more and piling on the emotional load with these ridiculous stereotypes are cruel.

I have one by choice but I still don't appreciate spurious comments about 'only child syndrome'. Start down that road and you could argue birth order disadvantage, older parents, younger parents etc etc which is does nothing to help develop happy healthy families and just draw convenient and lazy generalisations. Drives me bonkers!

BigBadMummy · 01/04/2010 10:14

I am an only child. As was my mum.

I an safely say I was the least spoilt person I knew, growing up. If I wanted it I had to work for it from the age of 13.

I do not believe that only children are spoilt or given stacks of attention simply because they are "only ones". That is simply the parent's style of parenting.

Certainly that bears out from what I am seeing amongst my DC's peers. The most spoilt child I know is the youngest of three. In fact I can't think of any "precious" only children. If anything from doing a quick think round the only children I know they are most self-assured and confident people I know (thinking about 9 off the top of my head, ranging from 3 to 72). Not including myself of course

And the previous poster is right, some people do not have just one child through choice. Maybe if that child arrived after several miscarriages before and several more after well the parents have every right to spoil that child, don't they? Is that wrong and has to be labelled as a "syndrome". No, I dont think so.

Tell her to shut the feck up next time she speaks

CMOTdibbler · 01/04/2010 10:17

I'd have been . But it's a bit late to say anything now really.

30andMerkin · 01/04/2010 10:27

I agree with BigBad, I'm an only child and I was certainly left to my own devices a lot when I was a child.

Not everyone who has one child does it so they can dote on that one child, or because they can't have any more. Some - and I have a sneaky suspicion my parents fall into this category, although they did give me a very happy childhood and lots of support - do it because they don't want their lives to be governed by children. It's the opposite of being 'outnumbered'!

Also, I think a lot of characteristics that people put down to being an only child are shared by eldest children. I realised that not only is my DH, but all my close friends, are the first-borns. We all seem to be equally determined/stubborn/opinionated etc etc - no laid-back middle-children among us!

DrNortherner · 01/04/2010 10:32

Oh I would have said something too. Stupid woman making sweeping genralisations like that.

I am an only, my ds who is nearly 8 is an only and neither of us are spoilt.

GenevieveHawkings · 01/04/2010 17:23

Were she my friend I would have had no compunction whatsoever in telling her that the notion of "only child syndrome" is complete and utter bollocks.

Some children are just like that - spoiled and generally totally obnoxious. Usually it's got nothing to do with the children (only or otherwise) and absolutely everything to do the the parents.

If you're the sort of parent who is likely to raise a spoiled and generally totally obnoxious child I think you'll do it regardless of whether you have one or 10 children.

GenevieveHawkings · 01/04/2010 17:25

Oh, and meant to add too that these obnoxious children go on to be obnoxious adults to and so the cycle contines...

TrowelAndError · 01/04/2010 22:07

I'd have told her to go and look up confirmation bias in any reputable science textbook. Does she notice so much or make such sweeping pronouncements when the siblinged children in her class behave badly? Or is she just looking for evidence to confirm her prejudices?

meatntattypie · 01/04/2010 22:11

i feel like just saying to these people ahh jsut fuck off perfect fucking arse!

What a load of old shite.

I cant have any more children, my kid isnt spoiled,
i am doing the best i can.
so tell um to fuck off.

DontCallMeBaby · 02/04/2010 01:00

"Only child syndrome? What's that then?"

And stand by and smile sweetly as friend digs herself into a nice big hole. Hand her the spade entitled "That's what you think of DD then?" at any point when she seems to need help.

RebeccaRabbit · 02/04/2010 14:27

Good response from DCMB!

BelleDameSansMerci · 02/04/2010 14:31

DCMB - love it!

I agree with the comment about eldest children showing this so called "syndrome". I do. I'm a nightmare, showy-offy diva and always have been. My DD (will only ever be only DD) appears to be kind, considerate, thoughtful and generally lovely. I'm hoping she'll grown out of it

kittywise · 02/04/2010 15:29

Only children behave differently to those with sibs. They can be very spoilt and indulged. I am an only.
Every kid has its ishooes though sib or no.

brimfull · 02/04/2010 15:32

bollocks
my dd was an onlie for 11 yrs until ds came as a shock

she was in no way spolied at all

MaureenMLove · 02/04/2010 15:57

I think I am twice as tough on my only, as a lot of her friends parents, who all have siblings. I'm tougher for this very reason. I refuse to let anyone say to me that DD is spoilt.

Only child syndrome is a total crock of shit!

Now then, where's DD? I need tea and grapes and I need them now!!

Joolyjoolyjoo · 02/04/2010 16:09

I just smile and say nothing when people say things like this in front of me- I have 3 children, but I AM an only! I'm sure my mum was harder on me- I had no siblings to share the chores or the blame, after all. Noone to cover up for me, or take the heat off. Most of my friends who are onlies are very practical independant individuals. I agree that most of the "spoiling" I see tends to be with the "baby" of the family- so I am trying my best to ensure this isn't the case with ds (no3) Trouble is, if I refuse to do it for him, he goes to his big sisters who he has wrapped round his little finger- easy to see how he could end up more "spoiled" than an only!

RebeccaRabbit · 03/04/2010 10:58

at mums being tough on their onlies. Why?

MaureenMLove · 03/04/2010 20:28

Why ? I don't rule her with a rod of iron! She isn't locked up in her bedroom, with only bread and water to eat!

She's just a normal teenager, although I do get the impression from a lot of her friends parents, that their children get away with a lot more than I would happily put up with.

Maybe it's just my parenting style. Maybe if I had had more children, they'd all be as well behaved and respectful as DD is. We will never know....

Joolyjoolyjoo · 03/04/2010 20:34

Funnily enough, was just talking about this (kind of) with my dad. I've had a horrible day with my kids today- they have been squabbling and generally being nasty to each other all day, and it has really upset me. Add to that the fact that it seems to spill over onto DH and I, so that they start fighting, ask us to intervene, then shout at us instead, in a way I would never have dared to shout at my parents.

DH says it is just the way it is with siblings, and obviously I wouldn't know. But I don't remember being as horrible as that to friends, cousins, anyone. Not sure whether the fact that I had no siblings to fight with made me less combative in general!

LittleWhiteWolf · 03/04/2010 20:48

Well, I'm the oldest child of two so I have that syndrome. My sister, conversely, is the youngest baby of the family and so has that syndrome. My DH is an eldest, too, but of 5 children so has THAT syndrome.
Etc
Etc
Etc...

Dont let it worry you, but feel free to tell her shes a pillock should she say any other idiotic comments.

muminlondon · 03/04/2010 20:51

Perhaps you could ask her what she thinks about 'sibling rivalry syndrome'. I've also come across children who were less than welcoming to others outside their own family. Such comments are all generalisations.

However, I found an interesting bit on Wikipedia about birth order ('syndrome'?):

'In the 1970s, it was discovered that firstborn children have higher than average intelligence. The latest studies find that there's no particular benefit to being firstborn, but there is a benefit to being born into a small family. Since firstborns are more likely to be born into small families, they are statistically more likely to have high intelligence.'

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