Anyone have an only through bereavement?

[Bergitte]

Anyone have an only through bereavement?

And/or infertility (am guessing a lot for the latter)

My DS is 2 and a half now. We lost his twin brother when they were 4 weeks old... he died suddenly at home of SIDS. We had ICSI to conceive our DC.
Am now 40, had 2 cycles with only a m/c to show for it. Now DH has put his foot down and saying he doesn't want any more kids (b@@ger!) Have been reading some of the threads by people who want a second and OH doesn't, it puts such a strain on your relationship!!

One day, we'll feel like a family! So glad to have found somewhere to talk about having an only

Bergitte, I have one DS, not through bereavement but just wanted to say how sorry I am for you what a terrible blow

No words of wise advice but a welcome to the thread - there have indeed been others struggling with partners who have differing views on family size - very hard I know.

If you are having a lurk and a read, do pop into the Tearoom - it's open to all ! (you'll see it in the one family topic I am hopeless at links!)

Bergitte, like Daisy I have no experience to share I'm afraid but as she said, this is a place for you to share how you feel and hopefully find some peace. The one child area is (almost always!) really friendly and supportive.

So sorry for your loss but happy for your ds that he has a mummy who quite clearly wants to do her best for him. You'll find lots of interesting, heart breaking, uplifting and I would go as far as saying hilarious stories from one child families that I hope will help.

Here's the Tearoom We were 6 yrs waiting for ds inc mc leading to mp before and 2 mc subsequently - I think we've now got to settle for being a one-child family. Much as I have yearned for a 2nd, there are times when I wonder how we would have coped (ds is headstrong and very tiring) and now I wonder whether he would actually like having a smaller brother or sister - much as he would make a wonderful big brother it would undoubtedly curtail his opportunities - you just can't do the same with a 5yo and a baby than you can with just a 5yo. So I'm getting on with my life and enjoying his childhood and trying not to dwell too much.

Bergitte, I'm so sorry to hear of your terrible loss. There are some threads where bereaved parents have given and received a lot of mutual support - have you seen those?

There are lots of positives about being a one child family (discussed on several threads here in the last year or so) but, if it hasn't been by choice, it sometimes takes time to adjust to the idea. I hope you will come to feel like a family, whether or not you have another child.

Thank you for the welcome...

Just so great to read lots of positive stuff about having one child. We're adjusting to it slowly but really want to concentrate on the positives and enjoy what we DO have. I know it's gonna take time (even though my boy isn't really an only, he's a surviving twin )

Am just shocked at level of prejudice still in existence around having one child. My DH is at home f/t with our son and says he regularly wants to scream at playgroup when asked daft questions and given sympathetic looks. Our families are not inferior, they're fab!

Has anyone read "To Have an Only Child" by Ros Kane? Have found it really useful.

Hello again, Bergitte.

People do have preconceptions about one child families but looking around other threads on MN it's pretty clear that they have preconceptions about large families, lone parent families, older mothers, younger mothers .... in fact, probably any family that isn't exactly like theirs.

I haven't read that book because I don't want to get sucked into thinking that having one child is a 'problem' which has to be 'overcome' (that may not be the theme of the book at all, but I'm suspicious that it could be!) What did you get from it?

You're so right. Not sure why some people are so conventional (and I bet they think they're not!... (wink)

Have noticed that people feel the need to impose their opinions right from when you first get pregnant. I had a lot of "ooh twins, rather you than me?" "that'll be a handful!" "double trouble" etc. Also comments on my bump being too small or big... It's a shame this cr*p continues.

If I'm in a bad mood I tell people the truth when they ask and it really shuts them up, but not sure I always want to share something so personal.

Have only just stopped treatment so still having a few sessions of counselling at fertility clinic. Book given to me by counsellor and is actually really balanced so far with lots of the positives outlined. I guess I'm at the start of readjusting, so although determined not to see our family size as anything but positive I need to explore the topic a bit. Tbh, I'm looking for the positive stuff and luckily there's loads out there...

I think we have to remember that sometimes these comments are just verbal fluff - people feel they ought to say something when told you're expecting twins and so come out with the "double trouble" cliche and so on!

Someone has brought a batch of muffins into the tea room. Do come and grab one!

Hi Birgitte. We also have an only, not through choice. Although nothing to compare to your loss.
Had two mc's followed by miscarrying DD's twin at 6 weeks, then another mc. Has taken a long time to move away from grief, anger, self pity, etc at not having more than one to realising that we are stupendously lucky to have DD. Also I just don't think I could go through the stress of more IVF - as you know, you have done it to know what that means!
It is possible to move on (although there is the odd relapse) and the Tea Room helped me enormously.
I have no idea why people can't get over themselves and leave others alone to enjoy their choices - when you think that the greatest danger to the world as we know it is the exponential growthh of the human population, you'd think they would look askance at anyone with more than one child!

Yes, me!

Oddly enough Birgitte, I'd just popped in here to ask that very question. I've been wallowing around reading bereavment posts this afternoon and wanted to think more positively.

Our firstborn dd died suddenly aged four; our second dd was born nine weeks later and is now 18 months old.

So, dd2 is an only child with a big sister. We are parenting our second child in a home that grew with our first daughter and is inhabited by her in so many ways.

We are unlikely to have more children due to age and physical and emotional infirmity.

I think we are a complete family that has been bereaved, rather than an incomplete family. I've no wish to have further pregnancies at the moment and can't imagine wanting to in the future, but who knows. We're nearly too old in any case.

I'm sorry for your loss Birgitte.

So sorry for your loss Bergitte . I only just saw this thread.

Zeno,

Sorry for the delay in me writing to you.

Am just so sorry you lost your little girl hun... I can only begin to imagine how hard things have been for you and your family (huge hug).

You're right, it's sometimes a relief to take a break from bereavement sites and try to feel more normal... also what you said about not being an incomplete family. It's hard, in some ways I'm not sure if this board is the right one for us as our kids are not strictly only children - they're growing up without their siblings who are a very real part of their families (despite having gone ).

However, there is a lot of positivity here and I guess it's a way of looking forward and starting to appreciate the here and now. Have you visited the tearoom? Please come and post of you'd like to, it's so lovely and welcoming and the cakes are yummy!

Racing Snake - so sorry for what you've been through hun. Infertility sucks, and many people who've not been there have no clue.

AandO - thank you

It's a very niche thing, the only who isn't!

I've not managed to find any literature to help; there's a lot around for young children who are bereaved, but nothing for those who are bereaved of a sibling before their birth.

Well, we're different from most, and will remain so, no matter how we choose to think of things. For the time being I think of younger dd as an single child who has a big sister she never gets to meet in the flesh.

Best wishes to you in your journey.

Zeno - just wanted to say hello and I am so sorry about your DD1 what a terrible time the loss of life of one daughter and birth of another in such close proximity, I can only imagine what you must have been through then, and since then

Of course, you are a family of 4 with only 3 physically around at the moment rather than a family of 3 and while all bereavements are different I know some of the one child mums have had MCs and late pregnancy losses and so have a real sense of their remaining DC being one of a larger number (if that makes sense?)

If nothing else, you are welcome here and I raise a glass to you and yours!

I know a lad of 16 or so, who refers to himself as "an only child now" His elder sib died a number of years ago. His dad still finds it hard to talk about but time seems to be making it slightly easier.

Bergitte

I am truly sorry for your loss. Oour first little boy was stillborn at 39.5 weeks

I now have a lovely 5 year old.

I dont think of him as an only .. I tell him all about his big brother

Its hard when you are asked how many kids you have.

You are a family .. always will be

Zeno - the thought of your experience makes me feel quite faint - my only dd is now 4.

Bergitte - dd was an icsi baby. I was then 43 and had lost one icsi pg previously. We did try again but it is fantastically unlikely using your own eggs at that age.

I am myself another version of an only who wasn't really. I was adopted and had a younger full, biological brother and sister that I didn't meet until my late 20s. We are on different continents and have not had a lot of contact. I always say 'I was raised as an only child' rather than 'I am an only child'. The subtle difference is probably lost on most people but I feel it describes my position.

We tend to look on the bright side but somestimes I feel sad that there will be no sibling for dd (and we would have liked another child). Dd often asks mounfully why my tummy can't make another baby.

Bergitte and Zeno, I am very sorry for your losses. I have been through something similar in that we lost our DD 2 years ago at 6 weeks old due to prematurity - she was only 1lb 4oz when born.

We had our DS a year ago and after he was born, I was diagnosed with borderline ovarian cancer so both ovaries, uterus etc were removed a few months ago. It's been a rubbish couple of years for us but I was touched by what Zeno wrote about being a complete family who has been bereaved. I don't know how we are going to explain to our DS that he has a big sister and to explain why he won't have any more siblings. All very hard to cope with and wish you both well.

Hi Carrie. Only just seen your reply.

I totally get what you mean about how to explain to the youngest one. dd2 is now coming up to 2years old; I get the jitters knowing that at some point she's going to realise it's not normal to have a sister who lives in the cemetery up the road instead of sharing her bedroom!

I'm sorry you've had such a rubbish time. It sucks.

With luck and a following wind we'll all find our ways through. We're having our first patch of clear skies in several years and it really feels good.