Raising one child - tips

[MindySimmons]

Would love to hear from other mums of one on their tips of raising one. Not suggesting it should be drastically different, more that there are different dynamics and needs for families with 1, 2, 3 and more.

Motivation for this thread is that:

1. One child is apparently the fastest growing family unit size, but there's still so much negative stereotyping about it
2. I love having one but I know the household dynamics are different than 2 plus, so would love to know how much you play with them, leave them to play on their own etc.
3. Holidays and activities

And anything else you can think of!

Hello!

I see where you're coming from.

My tip would be don't overcompensate for your child's lack of siblings by enrolling them in every after-school activity that's going. I think we may have reached overload.

And don't fall into the trap, every time your child behaves in a less than exemplary way, of thinking it's because they're an only child and would be totally different if they had siblings. Some things Just Are.

I don't think we've cracked the holiday thing yet. We tend to have the same sort of holiday we always did and dd joins in. We haven't yet gone anywhere with a kid's club, for example. But dd is a super-confident child who just homes in on any likely-looking child at the playground. The international sign language for 'shall we go on the swings' has worked pretty well so far.

Finally, remember the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy's advice. Don't Panic.

Hi guys,

Good thread idea!

My dh is finishing uni soon and so we are taking LittleO out of his childminders. He will have preschool 4 mornings a week and then be at home in the afternoons. It has made me think about the only thing, as at the mo he has two other kids with him every afternoon at his childminders, he calls them his best friends and absolutely adores them. Its crazy because when he was younger I felt guilty sending him to a childminder rather than him being at home, and now I feel guilty at the idea of keeping him at home. I am concerned that he'll be lonely and bored without the company of other kids in the afternoons - whereas if he had a sibling that wouldn't be a concern, as hopefully they would play together.

So no tips from me, but eager to hear them from others. Glad to hear your dd is so outgoing that way trowel, LittleO is like that in the playground but is only 3. Actually the last few times in the playground I have felt really really bad as ds has tried to play with some other small boys in groups that blatently don't want him to join in as he is not part of their group (frequently groups of siblings or cousins). It upsets me to see him trail after kids that don't even want him to play with them. Not sure what to do in this situation!

holidays- we go on a holiday that DH and I would like, and fit DS into it. He either pals up with our friends kids or other random kids. Or has very little contact with any other children for a few days and adores spending so much time with his daddy.

The LONG afternoon after preschool.- I quite often take DS to the park at school kick out time, so there are other people in the playground. If hes not settling down to amuse himself I will get an "Activity" going, maybe making something or we play a game for a while. have also signed him up for a dance class as that breaks up a long afternoon quite nicely.
i rather like not having to be tied to school times by and older sibling, so we can stay out all afternoon if we are enjoying ourselves. Swimming pools are often nice and quiet 3-3.45. ditto soft play barns.

I would advise spending time with honest parents of more than one ... eventually you discover that every single 'only child' trait your child has is possessed by at least one of their siblinged friends, that said siblinged children will have between them some 'only child' traits that your child DOESN'T have ... and that for every time you wistfully think that more than one looks nice, someone is thinking that your life with one looks nice ...

That is so true, DCMB!

AandO - For instant playground friendships, I would recommend taking a ball, skipping rope or other desirable toy with you! It helps to entice other children into playing with you.

But what if your 'spoilt only' says no, they don't want to share and you are advised to 'tell her off properly until she cries herself to sleep; it's the only way she'll learn'.

Have decided NEVER again to meet up with a parent of more than one - every problem is ascribed to their onliness.

Did someone really say that? What a loon, as we say in the psychiatric profession.

I took heart from a thread some time back, on which someone was suggesting that the emphasis on sharing is all wrong and we should instead concentrate on encouraging children not to grab for things that aren't (currently) theirs. It's good, I think, to remember that there is more than way of looking at the whole sharing ishoo.

But I don't think all parents of more than one are like that - just the pea brained less thoughtful ones. So don't lose heart.

I wonder if DD are more suited to being an only than DS? My DS hates being an only and when younger repeatedly asked me for a brother or sister whioh broke my heart because I knew there was no way physically and DH had dismissed fostering/adoption out of hand. I came from a big, unhappy family so have tried to impress on DS that it's not the answer to everything and on the whole he as become more contented with age - now 10 so I'm hoping friends will gradually fill in the gap but I can't believe that 1 is the fastest growing number because, looking through his eyes, every other family group we see is at least 2 and often more. Getting a dog seemed to help a lot so that'd be my tip as it makes a kid look less alone and attracts other children.

I wonder too, soupdela, but the people who still complain in adulthood that they wish they'd had a sibling tend to be women (admittedly, I'm basing this on my extensive and rigorous research on MN!) I think the difficulty here is that everyone, pretty much, can pinpoint something in their life that they'd like to change and as we can't live two lives in parallel we'll never actually know whether our life would have been better with a sibling/a rich husband/longer legs.

I'm sorry to hear your son is unhappy. Does he do plenty of activities with other children - swimming, football, Scouts or whatever?

My top tip is this:

Always remember that the only child doesn't know what it's like to have siblings. They don't know any different so you don't need to overcompensate for something that they have never had so cannot miss.

To them their life on their own with their parent(s) represents complete normality.

My DS has never asked for siblings or enquired why he doesn't have any or whether we've got any plans to provide him with any.

That's because he has never had a seed planted in his mind by us that there is any remote hint of sorrow, regret or guilt that he hasn't got any siblings. This is our family unit of choice and our happiness with our choice has resulted in him being perfectly happy and comfortable with it too.

True, Genevieve, but thanks to what they read, or see on the telly, or experience at friend's houses, they think they know what it's like to have siblings. Their view is often idealised, until their best friend mentions that her baby brother just pulled the leg off her doll.

I was an only child until I was 5, and would have been quite content for it to stay that way.

Hmm, I don't think about it TOO much. Probably easier as I work FT and dd has been in creche/kindergarten since a baby.

Weekends, she expects us to play with her. Fair enough. Now she is older(6) she occupies herself for longer periods, we have started to invite friends round. We are lucky that our neighbours have 2 dds of a similar age and they play outside together, or go/come indoors to play.

Holidays, for the last few years we have ALWAYS done something with a kids club, or at least somewhere where there are other children. Last year it was more noticable how much more she wanted to play with the other kids in the pool than do stuff with Mummy/Daddy.

Hi trowel - haven't been able to get back before now - I agree with your point about parallel lives and I wouldn't say that DS is unhappy overall but on this particular issue he certainly is and unfortunately he is of a complicated disposition where he loves being with other kids but detests being organised into activities: I have tried and failed with swimming club, tae kwon doh, environmental club, kids orchestra and most recently, drama club. I could never persuade him into cubs/scouts even though his friends go and I know he'd love it. He's got to the point now where if I even try to suggest any activity he gets upset and annoyed with me. It's also unfortunate that he spent a lot of his pre-school time with a cousin a few months older who prides himself in being one of three and used to tell DS that he didn't have a 'real' family because no siblings and also that he would never be an Uncle (DS worships his uncle).

hmm, interesting.

I dont have any hints although i do push the socialising bit becuase it can be lonely bieng an only.
so my child has lots of company from school and family freinds and also cousins.

Holidays, we go on action holidays, not so much the beach type. we are off to Florida in the summer, so too busy to feel bored or alone.

TBH as we havent known any other life, we dont know what to compare it to. ds is happy, balanced and sociable, he shares and is only too happy to play fair.
I have had the comment that "you can tell he is an only" from a teacher at school though.

What did she/he mean by that?

dunno, she just said " well, you can tell he is an only, he hates sharing anything".

Dont worry i put her right.

DH was very annoyed by it. He said we should have told her that actualy he wouldnt be an only, except my wife just suffered her 5th mc last month.

Agree with your DH - seems like a very crass remark from the teacher and daft as well since non-only's (whatever they're called) can be just as bad at sharing if not worse since used to competing for things. I feel very sorry for you to suffer so many mc, it must be heartbreaking. Will you carry on trying?

I have to say that I do encourage my DS to do after school activities every single night (except Mondays!) and Sunday mornings! He loves being with other children and living in a very rural area and going to a small school we have to 'organise' activities (only two other boys in his school year).

He is outgoing and confident ..... but then I often get the impression that he can appear over-confident (cocky) ''because he is an only child'' - also, we are quite elderly parents (!) which probably doesn't help as the majority of our friends have grown up children (and/or grandchildren). We have had some great holidays with kids clubs which DS loves, he also enjoys Cub Camp and we are seriously considering PGL or similar this year. Some churches run very reasonably priced summer camps which are great fun.

I would love DS to go to a summer camp but he gets upset and stubborn if I even mention it. It's a real shame when I know that he would enjoy it if he could get over the intial shyness.I think I looked at PGL and they seemed a bit 'teenaged'? I have also looked at a place not too far away called Mill on the Brue which sounded really nice but it's very expensive and I couldn't find any independent reviews of it.

Hi Soupdela - my DS is very keen on going away on his own (has been known to ask first time acquaintances if he can come for a 'sleepover'!!) - PGL do shorter breaks for 2/3 nights which might be worth looking into.

The funny thing is my DS is not exactly worried about going away from us - he has been on school trips for instance where he was away for a week and he was absolutely fine about it - far less worried than some of the others and esp his ex best friend who is also an OC and has never been away from home for more than 1 night. No, it's the idea of being with kids he doesn't know and the danger of being excluded from a group I think. Generally he is quite popular at school because he comes across as very chilled out but that masks a lot of insecurity. As I said above, he's a funny mixture! I would try to put my foot down about groups and camps etc but I know it would do no good and end in tears.

TrowelandError said:

...but thanks to what they read, or see on the telly, or experience at friend's houses, they think they know what it's like to have siblings. Their view is often idealised, until their best friend mentions that her baby brother just pulled the leg off her doll.

Well, my DS has been exposed to that lot too yet he has no hang ups whatsoever about it - so how did that happen?

My DS is 10 and he's living proof that not every only child has these feelings of wishing for siblings - despite beng exposed to exactly the same external stimuli as all the other only children who apprently do wish for siblings.

It's just a total non-issue here and is something that has never arisen.

Also to the poster with the nephew that made the comment to her DS about him never being an uncle, that's nonsense. Your DS might end up with a partner with siblings and be an uncle that way. He could still be doted on by neices and nephews by marriage - tell your DS to tell his know-all little cousin to put that in his pipe and smoke it!

I really think that a lot of children's reactions to these so-alled "idealised images" of the typical nuclear family will be down to the way parents feel about the situation.

I stand by what I say and still believe that a lot of only children have negative reactions at different times to their only child status as a direct result of picking up on their parents' feelings about only having one child.

The vast majority of parents of only children are not in that position out of choice. They may have accepted the situation or adapted to it and now be perfectly happy with it but if it was not their choice it can give rise to negative feelings which can be passed onto their children (albeit unwittingly) and can in turn result in negative feelings from the child. These feelings somehow become imprinted onto the children and they sort of end up sharing them. I've seen it happen with people I know.

Genevieve - I don't disagree with you. The very limited point I was making was that, although they have no experience of it to draw on, only children will have some idea (which may or may not be realistic) of what it might be like to have a sibling.

But (to attempt to answer your question) they will all respond and react to that in their own way. They're not a homogeneous group and they won't all feel the same. Some, like your son, will (I am guessing here) not find the idea of a sibling an attractive or interesting one and won't have any wish for a sibling of their own. Some only children will still feel the desire for a sibling into adulthood. In the middle are children like mine, who about once a year will say that she wishes she had a sister (never a brother) in the same way that she says she wishes she had a pony and a garden big enough for a fort. She's certainly not hung up about it, and she is not moping.

I am sure you are right that parents ought not to project their own feelings onto their children. That applies in so many situations, not just to do with family size.