Tea Room the Thirteenth

[amberlight]

Welcome to the newest instalment of the One Parent Families tea room. As it's heading for spring, we're now in a nice warm orangery surrounded by woodland filled with spring flowers. All are very welcome to join in with us parents of one (or indeed more!), the tea room gardener/handyman Mellors, various virtual Bishops (don't ask) and a variety of other characters from previous tea rooms. Grab a cuppa, relax!...

Aack. Just accumulation of lots of stuff, rather than any one large thing ?

How about a worry list ? I find them quite soothing to get everything written down with solutions - then if theres nothing I can do, at least I've decided that iyswim

To be honest, its one thing which has pushed me over the edge, but short of confrontation and making a scene I am not sure what I can do about it.

I suppose the question is, if you confronted it, what's the worst that could happen ? Is it your boss again ?

If you don't want to actually do it, sometimes writing a letter/email explaining just how upset you are and why, which you never send can be therapeutic

MN status - if you allow the cursor to hover over your name, it comes up in a little window as well just under your name. Certain MNers have used this to say how they are feeling at the time. I can't be bothered to work out how.

Mary - please avail yourself of the priesthole with a large glass of your personal favourite alcoholice bevvy and your best comfort-book or other item of choice. It sounds like you might be needing to have that confrontation after all - can anyone help you with it?

Amber - no, the BA pilot was firmly on the ground while skyping!

I don't think I could even join a book club - I also read too fast and I really don't like dissecting books, which is why I didn't do English Lit O level.

I gave up on Orxy & Crake, didn't get into it, didn't care. I find I'd rather stop that continue to read a book who's characters I don't care about.
The village book club have let me know what book they are reading and I've been told I'm welcome to come along. I probably won't tho. too many other books waiting to be read.

I've done it, one of my larger jobs done and hopefully ordered ( bar paying for the goods).

Now to go and sweep the hall and kitchen.

Sympathy Mary. here, have a chocolate.

Yes, its my boss again . I've already told him how upset and angry I was, and he's sort of apologised. However I find these upsets too difficult to contend with, and we can't keep on having them. If we're to work together, he's got to acknowledge that he has to make an effort too. What's the worst that could happen? I chuck it all in and then feel horrendous and not valued and at a loss for things to do that I enjoy, and feeling like I've chucked the baby out with the bathwater. I've considered going elsewhere, but there's nowhere local that appeals, for various reasons. . Just had a friend round, and she's made me feel a little better .

I've been thinking about it some more - thing is, he's not doing it on purpose, its his clumsiness, the way he says things, or the things he forgets to say. Thats what makes it so hard to either fix, or indeed to walk away.

Just a thought, Mary and feel free to shoot it down as unworkable - could you have a yellow/red card system for when he is starting to upset you? I.e., when you start to feel upset, hold up a yellow card - this is his first warning that he's doing it wrong, and then if he persists, hold up a red card so he knows he's buggered up properly? If you can get him to understand and agree to this, it will possibly help you both - if he doesn't know how he upsets you, then a yellow card might be a good way to show him when he's on the wrong track, which might make him stop and rethink his strategy and way of approaching you.

Alternatively have flash cards with words on, like
"I'm starting to get upset"
"you haven't told me everything"
"I don't understand your meaning" etc.

Of course, it won't work unless he agrees to it. But if he genuinely doesn't want to upset you, I'm sure he would like to have some kind of system that would stop him inadvertently doing so.

I think I'd want to sit down with him and calmly explain that then - lots of I phrases 'When you don't say Thank You, I feel devalued' fr'instance. And ask him how he thinks you and him can work together in the future. Maybe one of Ambers ASD advisors could visit and talk about how to change things for the better ?

My boss can be thoughtless, and when I set out clear expectations of some behaviours, plus told him when his ideas weren't going to work for me, he has improved a lot.

I am the adviser
Bit of a distance to travel, but I'm game, as Mary knows. It's a difficult situation, though, for sure.

I'd go for a full Referee's whistle to go with the red and yellow cards, and a Naughty Box for him to stand in for ten minutes.

at amber's additions to my idea - sounds great! Love Naughty Box as opposed to Sin Bin as well.

Maybe you could do a phone discussion with Mary's boss, amber? (Ack, can't remember whether or not you "do" phones ) It would save on the travelling anyway.

Oh yes, I do phones, emails, letters, faxes, texts, twitters, real-sign, PECS, vague diagrams, weddings, funerals & bar-mitzvahs (piano extra).

there you go, Mary - problem solved - amber will help you sort your boss out! I'm keen to know what a vague diagram is for...

Never you mind what the vague diagram is for. That's on a strictly Need to Know basis

Actually, I've just done a vague diagram for the engineers...

again. Ok, I'll wait until I need to know.

What time is it... ah, lunchtime for you all, maybe? Must be soup time! Or perhaps post-prandial coffee and biscuits?

I need to find a way to stop scarfing large quantities of mini chocolate eggs - my tum is getting to be an entity in its own right, and actually getting in my way! I know what to do, I know how to do it, I just can't seem to manage to lay off the choccy and vino. Am Not Happy about the situation - I keep having arguments with myself about it and losing. It's as though The Entity has some kind of strange mind-control thing over me and when it says "Feed me", I do, regardless. Help!

Oo, lots of discussion going on about me . Part of the problem is that I don't always react straight away, its only later (up to 2 days later in many cases) I think "well, that was unfair", or "that really upsets me". If I recognise it at the time, I tell him to his face. But sometimes its when he says he'll do something and then I expect him to do it, and he doesn't, and I fret about "how long should I give him?". The other problem is that sometimes I'll say something and he'll say "no" to it, and I've learned that if I don't push it, it becomes "maybe" and then "yes". Most people don't realise this with him, and push for the yes answer straight off. I've got far more out of him by doing this, than by being stroppy. Its hard work though. Also, its best to say it straight, none of this "if you don't say thank you I feel devalued", more like "it wouldn't hurt you to say thank you once in a while" - believe it or not, he prefers it!

But thank you for trying to help, I appreciate it

Perhaps you can nail him to a timeframe when he says he'll do things, Mary - that way you have a set endpoint for your expectation and when he misses it, you can go and ask him why. Sounds like you've got most of it covered anyway, which is great - you're a lot more sorted than I ever was at work!

Off to bed now - I'm worn out with the effort of being offended on VinegarTits offended thread!

Hello everyone.

Can't add much to the advice to Mary, but I can tell you how to create a status. 'Tis very simple - you just fill in the status box on your personal details page. I find them quite amusing.

timeframe, is that a euphemism for a cross?

Gin and tonic anyone? I am feeling very decadent this afternoon, after having a generous bowl of home made blackberry and apple crumble with double cream (still some left if anyone wants any...?)

Crumble sounds good!

Sorry things aren't going well at work Mary. I'm a bit crap at advice unfortunately. I'm amazed at how you can express your feelings to your boss though, I have never once felt able to do that and pretty much always act as though everything is fine even when they are not. I used to have an awful boss but the people I work with now are lovely, even a bit too lovely considering my low motivation levels right now. I feel I might need strict deadlines and results while I am feeling this way, and I don't have them so things just drag on and on without getting finalised, leaving me feeling horribly guilty for not doing a good job and feeling like I've let my lovely colleagues down . Have you decided how you are going to respond to your boss/deal with him in future?

Oh, I did like Orxy and Crake but then I do like futuristic dystopias. Did anyone read Cloud Atlas? I liked that. My main concern re The Road is that there seems to be a small boy in it...I can't read or watch anything that involves sadness and small boys since the birth of ds (I'm such a wimp!)

I think we're quite good at expressing our feelings to our bosses Mine's certainly had one or two emotional outbursts from me in the recent past, though we're still friends! (and he deserves some sort of medal for patience)

I loved Oryx and Crake too. I read it soon after Cloud Atlas and thought it was by far the better of the two as it dealt with similar themes but was much more subtly written - my suspicion was that all the people rhapsodising about Cloud Atlas hadn't read Oryx and Crake. But then I think Margaret Atwood is a genius.

I am wincing as I read about bosses and colleagues as it's not very long since I escaped working with the Colleague From Hell and I still feel at the memory.

Would anyone like a restorative and motivating glass of Bolly?