Am I doing the right thing?

[Sterny]

I have a lovely ds who is three and a half. Me and dh always thought that we would have more than one child.

When ds turned 2 we started trying for another and...nothing has happened. We have been quite laid back about it and just concentrated on enjoying ds.

Last night I went round to see my best friend who told me she is expecting baby number 2 (no 1 is 18 months). I am genuinely happy for her but when I got home I burst into tears. Dh and I stayed up until the small hours talking about whether or not to keep trying to have another. He genuinely surprised me by saying that he is perfectly happy with one and doesn't feel the need to have another child. He says he loves the fact that we now have time to ourselves (when ds is at pre-school) and that we can go for a meal out with ds, plan nice holidays. I think deep down I agree with him but I keep thinking 'what if ds is lonely?', 'will I regret it when ds is older?' and am also feeling the weight of all the well-meaning people around me who keep saying I should have another. I don't have a single friend with children who only has one.

Help! I am in turmoil this morning!

I think the first thing I'd say is to tell everyone apart from your DH to butt out and stop nagging telling you what to do. Well meaning or not, your family size should only be the concern of you and DH.

Having a sibling doesn't mean that your DS will have a playmate/company/help when you are old - and people to play with are easily found amongst friends etc.

Oddly enough, I know quite a few people with one child, either by choice or not, and in some cases it's a bit of both (ie, might have had another if it wasn't going to be so hard to do so, but have decided not to go through fertility treatment/complex pregnancy etc), so maybe it feels a bit more normal to me.

My mother and a close friend are both only children who have always been very confident and independent people! Being an only child doesn't mean you will be lonely , i think it helps you to be more confident and have very close friends! Also just because you have a brother or sister doesn't mean you will like them or be friends, Some siblings aren't. You have said you take ds to pre school , he will have friends there and im sure you will do lots of lovely activities with him so doubt he will be lonely! It must be hard having people comment about having another child , iv only just had my first ( she is 9 weeks) and people are already asking when im having another!! I think that i'm quite happy with one and i tell people that! Just ignore everyone , i think its a case of smile and grit the teeth! Hope this helps a little!!

Okay I have 4 children, dc1 then a 5.5 year gap and then 3 in 3 years this is my opnion based on parenting them.

You would be looking at an age gap of at least 4 and a bit years if you fell pregnant immediately, possibly a much bigger gap. In many ways it's like raising two "only" children they have little in common in terms of siblings once the gap starts to get this big.

If you are happy with what you have and so is your dh then embrace it. Having a baby after a gap is like starting all over again, being pulled in 2 completely different directions.

Sterny - we are a very contented family with one child by choice. Our DD is a very happy 5 year old who loves school and her after-school activities and having friends over to play. But she also enjoys it just being the three of us - we do a lot as a family and have a lot of fun together as well as having relaxed quiet time. I'm one of 4 kids and although I remember some good times there was also a lot of squabbles and a craving for some privacy.

That's just my tuppence worth

Thanks all. You have made me feel much more normal and happier about our decision to stick at one. Have had a lovely day with ds and actually enjoying my time with him more now I am not worrying about how a possible baby could fit into our lives