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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Mum, I'd like a sister so I wouldn't have to pester you so mucn

13 replies

WorriedMumAgain · 19/01/2010 21:17

Not sure if this should be here or in the Parenting section , whether it's about DD being a sad only child or about my not giving her enough attention.

Talking to DD (6) today and she just told me she wanted a sister....so she wouldn't have to pester me so much . She said it a sad tone of voice. I used to be very anxious about DD being an only but i had convinced my self lately she was fine - she is shy but popular, has other kids round to play often, has sleepovers, does after school activities, LOOKS like a happy child. A sister (or brother) is just not going to happen - too old, too tired, too broke etc...I asked her gently what would make up for not having a sister, she said a dog (DH hates dogs and we've got cats. When I asked her would having more children round to play make her happier she just shook her head sadly.

Right now I'm feeling guilty about both not being able to give her a sister and for being so tired lately (I have not been well for a while). She said it in such a grown up way, it wasn't like a 3/4 year old wanting what everyone else has got i.e. sister, it was so sad

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Original poster

WorriedMumAgain · 19/01/2010 21:23

Oops posted too soon. I know if I had had another child they might not have been a girl. Anyway, feeling sad that I can't provide a sibling but can't keep entertaining DD as she wants - she is a very 'interactive' child. Is anyone else in the same boat? How do you deal with the guilt?

OP posts:

TimothyTigerTuppennyTail · 19/01/2010 21:24

You might not like this, or even be able to do it, but I tell DS to "get over it". It's not going to happen, he can't be that sad about it as he's never had a sibling. I also point out how much friends of his argue with their siblings, and the fact that he'd have to share me.

I'm quite 'hard' about it I suppose. He wants the Millenium Falcon as well (the real one) and that's not going to happen either.

Bumblingbovine · 20/01/2010 11:54

I had two sisters and spent my childhood longing for a brother. Not sure why I just thought it would be nice. I'd still like a brother tbh.

Don't get me wrong I have real problems with ds being an only as well but I really think you (and I) need to put this into perspective.

Both our children have lives that at better than the vast majority of children in the rest of the world. The lack of a siblings may or may not be a sadness in their (and your) life but it is nonetheless a fact.
As sadnesses go it could be a hell of a lot worse.

I think TimothyTiger has it right. I try to be pragmatic, "that is the way it is" and offer the up sides. I know there are downsides as well and quite frankly my view is that the downsides outweight the up but that is only in the context of what is actually a very nice life for DS.

Original poster

WorriedMumAgain · 20/01/2010 12:17

OK, after a nights sleep have got over myself a bit. Everything you both said I agree with and have said to myself in the past. This feeling just rears it's ugly head every now and again and I have to rationalise it away. Cheers

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 23/02/2010 08:56

My dd (nearly nine) has been asking for a sister for years. It just isn't ever going to happen. I've pointed out that even if I got pregnant tomorrow she'd be nearly 10 by the time the baby arrived and they are boring. A good friend of ours had a baby last year, her dd was already 7. We went to see them yesterday and my dd said she didn't want one any more because they are boring and got all the attention.

Bucharest · 23/02/2010 09:04

My dd (also 6) said the very same thing last Friday. She says it often (it was more for me last Friday as I happened to be having a pregnancy scare at the time, resolved now with the arrival of AF yesterday)

Sometimes she asks for a sister...sometimes she asks for money...sometimes she asks for a new Barbie...sometimes she asks for a dog.

You don't always get what you want in this life, and you don't always know that what you think you want isn't what you want after all.

What Kreecher says is also very true. A 6 yr age gap means it's going to be at the very least 20 years (if not more) before these hypothetical siblings find each other remotely interesting or useful.

Rereading your OP, it doesn't sound to me like she's a lonely only. Possibly (if you don't mind me saying) a bit used to getting her own way only? You say she has friends, is sociable, has sleepovers etc. She is fine. She is just wanting something she hasn't got. Which we all do. It's the old grass is greener syndrome. Try not to confuse it with her being an only child and "needing" a sibling.

Buda · 23/02/2010 09:17

DS is 8 and has a much more pragmatic view! He told me the other day that he is the only one in his class who is an only child and that he is glad as he doesn't have to share TV/Playstation etc. He said 'all my friends want to be an only child and I am living the dream'!!!!!!

In the past he has said he would love a sibling but I have just said that I would love that too but unfortunately sometimes it doesn't work out that way. We did get a dog and he adores her which has helped I think.

nickytwotimes · 23/02/2010 09:18

Kids with siblings want rid of them half the time, so please don't feel bad about this!

I am pg with number 2 but was an only. Yes, there were times I wanted a sibling but like your dd I alwyas had pals round and on the whole was very happy.

We are having another because we want one, not for ds. He'd be happy enough on his own tbh.

sparkle09 · 23/02/2010 09:43

everyone else has put very good replies, i have 2 DC and believe me having 2 only makes the pestering double, having 2 means they fight and need your attention, they both want food at different times, bedtime is an experience in itself,

try to explain to her that a sibling will want all her toys, probably break most of them, want to watch something differant on the tele that she does and will have an hourly (if not more) need to wind their older sister up at any cost.

this should change her mind.

MamaVoo · 23/02/2010 12:54

I think alot of children - not just onlies - will ask for a sister or brother at some point (I had a brother and remember asking for a sister). But parents of onlies tend to take it more to heart.

My DS is likely to be an only but he's only 2 so we haven't got to this stage yet. If we do I suspect I'll be like TimothyTiger. Kids want a lot of things they can't have - that's life. There is no need for you to 'make up' for your DD not having a sister.

Btw, even though I had a brother I still wanted my mum's constant attention so there's no guarantee that siblings will entertain each other anyway.

DrNortherner · 23/02/2010 12:59

My 7 year old ds is an only and has ocassonally aksed for a brother, but I also tell him it probably won't happen. That's life. I have no siblings either.

We did however get him a dog

PotPourri · 23/02/2010 13:03

What about a hamster? Or goldfish (not great fun though!)

A baby would most certainly mean much less attention for her for many years. The 7 year age gap would mean that it would be unlikely to be a 'friend' until adults.

Do you have have neices or nephews that you can have more contact with?

What about a doll? she's still young enough. Maybe engage her in what kind of doll she would like, and focus on clothes and bits to look after the 'baby' like little nappies and a sling/pushchair etc. seat on the back of her bike etc. (OR a teddy from teddy factory or whatever woudl also work)

Don't beat yourself up about not having another child - you can;t go having a baby cos your 6 year old fancies a sibling.

muppetgirl · 23/02/2010 13:07

My ds 1 asks for a sister at the mo. he has 2 brothers and thinks a sister would be great. He has also said he thinks we should have 12 'kids' and that he's happy to share a room...

when we said that children cost money (and we may not have dc 4) he siad in a very weary way 'mummy, babies are free!'

If there is no possibility I think a matter of fact, but kind, approach is best.

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