We have one now should we have another ?

[NickeeS]

I know you can't answer this for me but your experiences might help.

I am 40 this year and DP has turned 37. We have DD who is 4 months. I didn't really want kids but DP talked me round and we both decided one would be enough. I love being a mum, never thought it would be this wonderful. We were both only children and both had happy childhoods.

Over the past two weeks we have been toying with the idea of having DC2. We have a fantastic lifestyle, nice house (huge mortgage though), Holiday home, nights out and treats. We are lucky that when I go back to work MIL and Mum will help with childcare only needing CM 1-2 days a week.

If we had DC2 all this would change and I am not sure I want it too. We would need to pay for two lots of child care. I do think about DD not having siblings but then I didn't and don't feel like I missed out. I worry that due to my age that there is increased risk that there could be something wrong with the baby. I am 40 this year so it's not even like I could wait to long.

How do you all handle having one child, how do you make them happy? Do any of you regret not having DC2?

Everyone I have spoken to in RL says I MUST have a second, if I don't DD will suffer.

bumping for you

I've only got one. Took us a long time to decide to have dd. Never occurred to me that we'd have more than one. Don't regret it for one moment (way too old to have another now - well I'm 42, so v unlikely anyway).

No one can decide for you, but I'm interested to see that you say you and your dh are both only children and both had happy childhoods and both thought you'd only have one. So why are you now listening to people who say your dd will "suffer"? Isn't that a bit odd?

To answer your other questions, we "handle it" by getting on with it. We make her happy by loving her and being her parents. What do either of these things have to do with being an only child??

One other thing, perhaps when you were growing up, it was unusual to be an only child. That is NOT the case now. There are 17 kids in my dd's class - 5 of them are onlies (and will more than likely remain so).

There's a lot of external pressure to have a second child. I can't tell you how many people told me I must have another.

I think the only way forward is to sort out your own feelings aside from all this outside pressure. Do you think you would you actually like to have another? (ie. not just to give your DD a sibling but have another because you'd like to?)

Seems to me that as a happy only yourself, you are living proof that your DD won't be damaged by not having a sibling so I wouldn't worry on that count.

I only have one DD and happy with one.

I guess I don't do anything in particular to make her happy. We don't treat her any differently from how our friends with more than one do with their kids.

We prob do try to arrange more playdates so she has company. And arrange holidays around her having some activities with other kids. Nothing more than that really.

It did take some time getting my head round the only child thing, but I am really appreciating our situation more and more as time goes on.

HTH!

Also, remember, all children are only children until another one comes along. And your lo is only 4 months!!

I can't add much to what Squeaver and Doozle have already said.

Having a child is (to state the obvious) such a huge and life-changing thing that I don't think anyone should have another baby simply to placate nagging friends and relatives. You need to take time to reach a decision which suits you, not them.

There are always people around who are confident and rude enough to tell you that your child will grow up to be some sort of weird, lonely, antisocial loon if they have no siblings. Why listen to them? You and your dh are proof that you can have a happy childhood as an only child and a happy and fulfilling life as an adult.

Like Squeaver and Doozle, we don't "do" anything in particular to make our dd happy - I don't see her only child status as a disadvantage for which we have to compensate her - although we do arrange plenty of after-school activities so that she isn't always stuck with her shambling, geriatric parents.

You asked about regret. I don't regret that dd has no sibling, although I am sorry that we had no choice in the matter. That, though, was a long time ago and I enjoy our family life as it is.

There are several old threads about the positive aspects of being a one child family and others by people pondering whether to have a second child - have you looked at those?

Hello MadBad

Take some time, your DD is only 4 months old, so watch out for the hormones .

I love having DD and the family life it gives us and her. I would be lying if I said that sometimes I don't wonder if I should have another, but I know it is not because I want another and that is completely different. I was 25 when I had DD so I have had lots of comments about being 'so young to have decided to stop at only one' and also 'are you having problems?' Even if people don't make comments, I can see them tiptoe around me sometimes because they think that I actually can't have another rather than it being an active choice, even when I have told them so.

I don't regret our decision so far, DD is 3.5 and as time goes on I think even more strongly that it was the right one for us.

Thanks all, very helpfull.

I suppose this mothering thing has taken me by suprise, I have a beautiful healthy DD for which I am very grateful (always wanted a girl since we decided to ttc). I just need to switch off when others are trying to plant ideas in my head. MIL always wanted a secong child and couldn't and says I will regret not having No 2, however she wanted a second where as I am not fussed. If DP really wanted another then I would but he is not fussed either.

We love our life and know that DD can fit in well without too much adjustment.

When I was growing up I was always allowed sleep overs and friends round for tea etc, I suppose you just need to encourage this. After all there is no guarantee that siblings get on with each other is there ?

Thanks again and I will go and read other threads.

A counsellor once told me to imagine myself with one and with two, what were the pictures like?

It illustrated what I really wanted. Try to listen to yourself and trust your instincts, there is so much pressure on women to do things a certain way, sometimes we think we want what others want us to.