what were the UR choice to only have one child??

[PandaEis]

hi

i am facing the very real possibility that i will never have another baby i am currently having my 5th early MC/CP so 6th MC altogether. my DH and i have been TTC for 27 cycles and it has been a very hard 2+ years i can tell you. our DD is 4 on friday and is constantly asking for a brother or sister i am not sure i can go through the disappointment again so i am trying to come to terms with the reality of only having one child.

so my question to you mums (and dads) of only children, how was your decision made? did you only ever want one child or was your decision made for you like mine is possibly??

thanks in advance.

Sues - sorry to hear your news - and hoping all the best for you.

For anyone that's on the thread, do feel free to pop into the tearoom - you don't need a personal invitation.

Yes, sorry if I made it sound as if it was by invitation only.

(Madbad, I don't think that you did, but I didn't want people to feel that was the situation, or that the tearoom is somehow 'exclusive' or adverse to new visitors)

No, Mistle, you're quite right. Because we've been ticked off in the past for mentioning the tea room too often, I tend only to mention it to people who sound as if they might find it interesting/relevant/congenial. But an unintended consequence of that might be that it gives the impression that you need an invitation to drop in. Which you definitely don't.

I think I might head over there now, for a lunchtime snifter!

sorry this is a bit long.

DH and i are still struggling with this one.

i didnt want children at all, but after 10 years, fell pregnant. then had the most horrific pregnancy, had to give up work was bed ridden for 9 months (the last 3 weeks of which i couldnt walk as my hips displaced). it was just sheer hell.

then after DD was born i had a bit of pnd (if you can just have a bit of it) and had a terrible time with bfing. it was only when DD was about 6 months old that i started feeling less suicidal.

i was lucky in that i didnt have any problems loving or bonding with DD, and my DH is honestly just the lovliest man on earth (sorry! yak emoticon).

so basically, circumstances and my origional unwillingness to have children have sort of decided our one child family satus.

BUT, now that DD is a older i am finding myself feeling increasingly guilty about not having any more. and its difficult because i think if the pregnancy hadnt been so traumatising, i might be persuaded.

but then, you shouldnt have to be presuaded really should you? not about having a baby, i should really want one?

Phokoje - I'm sorry to hear you had such an awful time having your dd.

I certainly agree with your last point. It seems to me that if anyone has to be talked into having a child (whether it's their first, second or ninth) by well-meaning friends, pushy MIL or whoever, that's a sign that their heart isn't really in it and they should stay as they are - at least until they change their mind. It's fine to be talked into something frivolous like buying a new hat, but a step as big as having a baby has to come from within, I feel.

thanks MBDTK

another thing that sort of sealed it for me (for now at least) is that i had a pregnancy scare a couple of weeks ago and felt physically sick at the idea of actually being pregnant.

but then (i am nothing if not contrary) when i found i wasnt, i felt all sad! but i think thats because i already have a child. IYSWIM.

Sorry to hear about your challenges. Our reasons for deciding that DS will be an only:

-Years of TTC followed by aweful MCs.
-Both DH and myself had surgery to conceive, not sure we could afford to do it again.
-8.5 months of me horribly sick in bed and suffering miserably, still not totally recovered from rare pregnancy complications
-In the end, doctors said I would not survive another

BUT, that sounds like it is not by choice. Before he was born, we assumed if we were able to have a DC, that we would only get one as he would be our miracle. We were very very happy to have one. Now, though, we both agree that we really love our threesome and even if it was an option we would not have any more (unless magically surprised!).

Hi - sorry your having such a rough time at the moment.

In answer to your question having an only child is definately not either mine or my hubby's choice. I love my little girl to pieces and would dearly love to have another child but she will be our only one as the only way we can conceive is through IVF where they inject one sperm into my prepared egg. I feel very lucky that we have her as my hubby has severe male infertility only 2% of his sperm were alive and correctly formed when he was tested.

The doctors only gave us an 8% chance that IVF would work for us and because of the cost £5,000 we knew we would only be able to have one attempt. It took us 3 very long years to save up enough money to go for it as the NHS wouldn't help us but luckly (thank God) it worked and I think our little girl is a true miracle.

I do sometimes get very broody as I always wanted a family of two and my little one loves other kids. I sometimes look at her playing in the garden and I can picture how happy she could be running around with a sibbling but then often it doesn't work like that does it, sibblins fight and don't get on and my happy little picture is probably very rose tinted (laugh). When I get maudlin about it I just try and remind myself how difficult things used to be when we first found out about my hubby infertility and lucky I am that we have her.

We only ever wanted one child from the outset and that's what we had. It was our dream to have a son and our dream came true.

I sometimes feel like people like me are totally out of place on this board.

Although I only have one child, so therefore on the face of it have a lot in common with ohter mothers here, I find my experience of having just one child is light years away from most other people's here.

Some people, and I do appreciate it's through no fault of their own due to circumstances and the way it's made them feel, make having just one child sound like a real curse and a cross to be borne. That makes me feel really quite sad and very offended and affronted in a way...

I don't expect you to understand why I feel like that, or to understand what I mean but reading threads like this do make me feel like that.

It's almost as though people like me who actually choose to have one child must be missing a vital chromosome or something.

Hard as it is to believe, I am every bit as happy with one as you no doubt would be with two.

For what it's worth, I'd say if you still feel the impetus to keep trying for another baby or more babies you should. If you know that you would always look back later in life and and think "what if I'd just kept trying.." then go for it.

I hope you won't take what I've said the wrong way, I do realise it can't be easy for you at all going through this. I can only equate what you are feeling now with what I may well have felt like if I hadn't been able to have a child.

Good luck and I hope you are able to get what you want in the end and have the family you've always wantedand dreamed of, just like me.

I'm sorry you are finding this all so hard.

To reply to your question, my reason for only having one DS is purely selfish, I just don;t want to have to do it all again, all those stages, I dont want the sleepless nights, the nappies, the having to push a pushchair around the place, all of it, it just doesn't appeal.

Maybe one day I will feel differently, but for now I am happy wiht my life and my freedom and another child would compromise all of that.

It's nice just having one.

I feel that same way you do genevive

This thread has gone quiet but I thought I'd add my thoughts...

PandaEis - so sorry you're having such a hard time, hope you're feeling ok and it all works out for you.

Genevieve and overmydead body - I feel very much like you. Have a gorgeous 9m DD and, as I'm 40, am now getting asked when we're having the next one. I can't imagine going back to the start again and am so looking forward to our family of 3 as DD grows up. Maybe I'll change my mind, but 40 kind of feels like a line that I don't want to cross, although DH is younger and all things being equal I know he would like another. I feel lucky to have DD at all as there were problems conceiving and we were TTC for 18m.