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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

what were the UR choice to only have one child??

38 replies

PandaEis · 06/01/2010 15:13

i am facing the very real possibility that i will never have another baby i am currently having my 5th early MC/CP so 6th MC altogether. my DH and i have been TTC for 27 cycles and it has been a very hard 2+ years i can tell you. our DD is 4 on friday and is constantly asking for a brother or sister i am not sure i can go through the disappointment again so i am trying to come to terms with the reality of only having one child.

so my question to you mums (and dads) of only children, how was your decision made? did you only ever want one child or was your decision made for you like mine is possibly??

thanks in advance.

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Original poster

PandaEis · 06/01/2010 15:28

that should have been what were the reasons behind YOUR choice...

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mistlethrush · 06/01/2010 15:29

Hi Panda - sorry for your current situation. Ds is 4.5 and I'm in a similar siuation - he's saying that he'd like a brother, but it looks very unlikely - pre ds had a molar pregnancy and the shadow of that has hovered over the 2mc since ds for up to 3mo each time - and last mc I managed to become allergic to painkillers too as an added side-effect. With 6 yrs of ttc pre ds and 2 yrs since, have about persuaded myself that its not going to happen.

This doesn't mean that I don't rejoice in ds and love him to bits (I have come across people that seem to think that if you wanted another and can't get it this somehow reduces your appreciation of your only child as they are quite happy with their only one...)

There is a nice thread under this topic which has a number of us with onlies - where we can have the odd moan, with everyone understanding - although there are people with more than one there, but they don't shove it in your face ifyswim - its called the tearoom - and you'd be welcome to pop in and see if the seasonal fare suits you.

Original poster

PandaEis · 06/01/2010 15:36

thanks mistle im sorry for your troubles too

i love my DD to pieces and i know i would be happy with just her but i cant switch the broody, need to reproduce feelings off. i just dont know how to i wish i could. but i suppose if wishes were raindrops i would need a boat to get around in eh?!

i might pop into the tea room as i 'know' one or two in there from around it couldnt hurt

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mistlethrush · 06/01/2010 15:39

I was in tears this morning as secretary at work has just announced that she is pregnant with her second. I did hear her muttering about the fact that she was now thinking that a 3 yr gap would have been better - if she says that anywhere near me she's going to have a lot to think about. Please don't let anyone tell you that you're doing your dd down by thinking/feeling this, or that you are any less good as a mother of one for having these thoughts - hope to see you for a cup of tea later!

Original poster

PandaEis · 06/01/2010 15:52

i totally understand that mistle i cant bring myself to feel happy for anyone who finds out they are pregnant anymore a couple of friends are preg with their second at the mo and neither pregnancy was wanted and both are moaned about constantly to me despite knowing my situation i always try to be supportive of the feelings of others regardless but it is getting harder o smile sympathetically while these friends complain about the fact that they dont want another child/they hate being pregnant etc etc etc it is soul destroying

OP posts:

mistlethrush · 06/01/2010 16:01

I can cope with them being pregnant and happy about being pregnant. What I can't cope with is then moaning about the age gap/how hard it will be to cope with 2 children under 2 (or whatever) etc etc etc.

Original poster

PandaEis · 06/01/2010 21:25

bump for the evening crowd

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CMOTdibbler · 06/01/2010 21:31

Before we ever tried to TTC, DH and I said we only wanted one child. After repeated miscarriages, a dodgy pregnancy, and a premature birth, we got our gorgeous DS. If it had all been straightforward, then I think that we may well have changed our minds and had more than one child, but theres no way that I could go down that road again.

tinierclanger · 06/01/2010 21:34

Sorry to hear you have had such a horrible time of it.

To answer the question:

Ok, we have decided to have only one child for the following reasons:

I MCed once before DS, so pregnancy is always going to be an anxious time for me, and I found it hard to enjoy.
I'm pushing 40, and worried about birth defects
DS was a terrible sleeper for a long time and we don't want to go through that again

those are the 'push' factors. The 'pull' ones are

1) We all have a lovely time together as a family of 3 and don't feel the need to change it - so why rock the boat? 2) We (hopefully) shouldn't have to worry about money with only one DS 3) Neither of us are especially close to our siblings so don't feel there's necessarily any great loss for DS 4) I can't imagine ever loving another child as much (I mean, I'm sure I would, but I can't imagine it!)

Luckily though also I don't seem to have got broody again.

Original poster

PandaEis · 06/01/2010 21:42

thanks for the replies

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MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 06/01/2010 21:43

Hello PandaEis. You asked how our decisions were made.

It's a moot point whether we made a decision or had it made for us. It took us a long time (and a lot of intervention) to have dd. I had spent so long getting my head around the possibility that we might never have a child that her arrival actually came as a (wonderful) shock! I suppose we could have ploughed on with more intervention in the hope of having a second child, but we felt we were very lucky to have dd and time and age were against us.

I am now far too crumbly to have another baby. I don't bat an eyelid at other people's pregnancies but, like Mistlethrush, do find the moaning and "whoops! how did I get pregnant for the fifth time" "Well, if you haven't worked it out by now ...!" rather irritating.

I spend far too much of my time in the tea room, so will hope to see you there!

Original poster

PandaEis · 06/01/2010 22:09

madbad i suppose you are right in that it doesnt really make much of a difference why the decision was made...i suppose i am looking for something i can reconcile myself with. i dont even know if i am ready to give up but i DO know i am coping less well each time i am disappointed

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MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 06/01/2010 22:27

PandaEis - Don't get me wrong, I do think that there is a difference between choosing from the outset to have one child and finding oneself with one child through force of circumstances. Thw two must feel different (although I still disagree with those people who pop up from time to time to say that all one-by-choicers (like them) are blissfully happy while all one-by-circumstancers must forever be blighted and unhappy). What I was trying to say, though, is that I think there's quite a large grey area in the middle. I suppose we are one-by-circumstancers but we did have some amount of choice in the matter, as we could have gone on having more treatment in the hope of a second pregnancy.

I don't know how one knows when to give up. I think it might be when the regular disappointment at not being/staying pregnant outweighs the hope or potential joy at having another baby.

Original poster

PandaEis · 06/01/2010 22:44

madbad exactly! i dont want to always feel like my life is less...rich...by just having one child. if i am to be a mum to one by force of circumstance i want to also feel i have chosen to make our (my DH, DD and i) lives lovely as a family of 3. i am frightened of being one of the far end of the scale, bitter, resentful people just because i cant come to terms with never having another baby. i feel as if i am losing something i never had whenever i think about it. i suppose that is partly the most recent loss and partly my mind rejecting the idea altogether.

i suppose i need to look at the situation from another perspective.

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Doozle · 06/01/2010 22:58

One-by-circumstancers is a good turn of phrase Madbad. Fits a few us on here, I reckon.

Panda, before we had DD, in my mind's eye I was pretty sure I wanted two kids.

But after her prem birth, PND and difficult baby/toddler phase, I became ambivalent about going for a seond.

We tried for a few months anyway but I just didn't get pregnant. Then discovered a couple of problems which would maybe mean going down the assisted route.

But during that ttc period I suppose I became more swayed to sticking with one and am now very happy with that. Ok so it's never entirely 100%, I do get the odd broody phase but am prob 95% of the time in favour of not trying anymore.

So again, we made the decision and yet also our decision was partly made for us, if that makes sense.

I guess only you can weigh up when/if it's time to stop trying. Tis a difficult one.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 06/01/2010 23:08

PandaEis - You're in such a painful place at the moment, I imagine, that now isn't the time to try to make any decision. But please believe me when I say it is possible to make a lovely life as a family of three. Have you looked at some of the old threads on that theme?

I'm nipping back to the tea room before going to bed.

Doozle - would you care to join us there?

busybutterfly · 06/01/2010 23:18

This may sound yucky but has worked for some people I know.

The best time to have sex is as soon after you see that "plug" of mucus.

I cannot wish you enough luck. x

Doozle · 07/01/2010 11:28

Thanks for invite MadBad.

Hulababy · 07/01/2010 11:36

My decision is made for me. I wanted another child, I still want another child.

DD is 7y and would have made an excellent big sister. Luckily she has little cousins, and friend's siblings to practise on

I have been TTC for over 5y for #2. I have had two ops to treat Asherman's Syndrome, hormone treatments after than. 6 months of Clomid - but not success at all, not even a hint of success. There appears to be no reason as to why we can't concieve. DD did take a while herself (15m, ealy mc, another 15m TTC) but this time it seems like a complete no go.

I still haven't properly accepted it and not done anything to prevent TTC. But I can't see it ever happening now. But I don't feel ready to completely rule it out if that makes sense.

Hulababy · 07/01/2010 11:37

Should have added at start: so sorry to hear of your mc. I hope you are doing ok and have lots of support around you.

Hulababy · 07/01/2010 11:45

Must agree that although I would love to have had a second child, this is in way has any negative impact on my relationship with my DD. I adore my little girl, as does DH. We have an amazing time together and have somuch fun and joy in our life. DD doesn't miss out on companions as she has really good friends, and many of our friends hve children too. We holiday regularly with friends with children. DD seens her school friends daily and other friends afyter school and at weekends, She and her best friend have sleepovers and see one another as often as possible, and best friend's little sister is almost like another little sister for my DD.

Having one child is not bad, it is lovely and we have so much time and energy to bestow on DD.

It is the desire to the second that is not nice, but - for me anyway - that is very seperate from how I feel about my DD.

youwillnotwin · 07/01/2010 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsNarcissist · 07/01/2010 11:48

I have more than one child but know some really lovely parents and children where there is only one child in the family. Little things like having so much time to devote to one child can be a great thing for everyone. If you really can't fight the broody feeling would you consider adopting?

sues1974 · 09/01/2010 00:05

Hi, i might be in the same position soon, my ds1 (and first child) was born last january and in may i was diagnoised with cancer. ive had radiotherapy to the pelvic region and am still waiting to find out if my overies have been damaged, not had a period since the treatment last year so not looking good. at the moment with my ds only being 1 im happy as a family of 3, but i think i will find it really hard when my friends (2 of them had babies in 2009 too) get pregnant with their 2nd ones, thats when it will really hit me if we cant have the 2nd baby we always wanted and planned. dont get me wrong, im very greatful to be alive and my no1 priority in life now is to stay alive so i dont miss out on my sons life and he has a mummy. i tell myself that 1 is better than none, as it could have so easily been that way.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 09/01/2010 14:37

Sues1974 - I'm very sorry to hear about your health problems and hope the treatment has been successful. You're right, it can be difficult when friends announce second pregnancies but I found that by focussing very hard on how lucky I was to have dd, I got through it.

All the best.

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