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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Death of my dad has left me feeling guilty at choosing to have one

16 replies

ljhooray · 04/12/2009 14:58

Hi everyone,

I've posted on here quite a few times so some of you may recognise me and up to now, I've been very comfortable with choosing to have one. However my lovely dad passed away 10 days ago and despite having 3 sisters, I've found it really tough and have been devasted at losing him. I now feel horribly guilty at the thought of dd facing the same on her own. I know I'm still very raw emotionally but I'm so confused

OP posts:

SleepingLion · 04/12/2009 15:14

Am so sorry for your loss

Remember that at the moment you are understandably very emotional which is not helping you think clearly. You may be relying on the support of your sisters but your DD will create her own support network to replace those siblings.

I have 5 siblings and had a car accident yesterday. Friends and work colleagues know and have been the ones texting, phoning, offering to help, etc. I haven't told my siblings because I have the support I need close at hand. I know it's not the same in any way as your loss but it demonstrates how your DD will cope.

sfxmum · 04/12/2009 15:20

I am sorry for your loss

I really understand your point, dd is an only child, 4yrs old now, thinking of her alone breaks my heart it is not just going through the loss, it is the need to remember afterwards of shared memories

still I know it is ever more unlikely there will be another

but this is an emotional time maybe not the right one to make decisions

MadBadandCoveredinTinsel · 04/12/2009 22:34

I am very sorry for your loss.

I agree, though, with SleepingLion. Your daughter will create her own support network around her and, if she has staunch friends that she keeps from childhood, will have people to share memories with - maybe in not quite the same way as with siblings, but shared memories none the less.

You are fortunate to have a close relationship with your sisters, but do remember that not all sibling relationships are the same - I know people with siblings who are nevertheless very 'alone'.

NightShoe · 04/12/2009 22:38

I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

Losing someone close to you always means that we reassess what is important to us and perhaps question decisions that we have made in the past. Take time before you make any final decision.

To offer my experience, my DM is one of 5 and had no sibling support when my grandad died last year, she arranged everything.

Original poster

ljhooray · 05/12/2009 07:47

Thank you everyone for your kind words and I've always believed the point that you cannot assume siblings will be your support network (of my sisters only one is truly close, the other is lovely but has always needed a lit of emotional support herself and the other is utter horrid and has left us all to it except to take some of dad's things already :-(

the shared experience issue is still on my mind though, perhaps magnified by the fact my closest friends all happen to be of with no 2. One even told me a few days ago she was having another to make sure her dd was not left alone. She does tend to lack a bit of tact!

OP posts:

iClone · 05/12/2009 08:07

So sorry for your loss. I am an only child and lost both my parents young. My mum was my world and having to nurse her on my own for a year before her death was, to be honest, the thing that convinced me I would try and have more than one child. Even now, years later, I long for omeone with whom to share memories of childhood and mum.

Having said that I was not alone. I had great friends who rallied around and a fantastic DP who later became my DH. As others have said you make your own support network.

AngryPixie · 05/12/2009 08:19

Oh I so know how you feel.
My Dad died when my DD was 8 months old, I was pregnant again within 2 months. It changed everything for me, I looked at my DD and thought that I couldn't leave her to cope alone. My sister and I are v close and she was the only person in the world who knew exactly what I was going through at that time. I needed to provide that for my DD too. (we now have 3)

However, ideally I would give yourself space and time and permission to grieve before making any decisions that will change your life forever.

Good luck, be kind to yourself.

AngryPixie · 05/12/2009 11:58

Forgot to add;

Please do not feel guilty.

If it was the right decision for you before your Dad died, it probably still is.

I was always going to have more than 1, it just hastened the process.

nickytwotimes · 05/12/2009 12:09

lj, sorry to hear of your sad loss.

My dear Dad died 4.5 yrs ago.

I am an only, though my Father had 2 sons in a previous marriage, one of whom he lost. The remaining son (my half brother) and I really like on another, but we are not at all close. More like a cousin thing.

Basically, I am my Mum's only. I did find it very hard to be the only one left to help her and made a decision that I would, if possible, have more than one. I am currently expecting number 2. However, there were other deciding factors. Dh and I had already kind of decided that 2 would be our ideal. He is one of two and they are close. We had the mental picure of us with 2 kids. In all, we already had decided. Dad'd death consolidated it for me.

I had PILES of support though from my close friends and extended family and in-laws. There was that sense of loneliness in feeling responsible for mum and carrying that alone, BUT, you can't make a decision on how many kids to have based on what might happen to you or your dp in the future. You could both live until your dotage! And having a sister or brother doesn't guarantee anything about future support.

So, sorry for being long winded, but if you are happy with one (and fwiw, I loved being an only and still do) then do not let one small part of life change your mind. You will be very raw for a year or so, so don't rush into anything. The death of a loved parent is utterly devastating regardless of how many siblings you have.

StrawberryBeret · 06/12/2009 20:16

Sorry to hear about your Dad ljhooray.

Personally, I wouldn't jump into any major decisions while you're feeling so all over the place emotionally if I were you.

One thing I would say is that only in an ideal world are siblings your frends, allies and trusted "rocks" who will always be there to give you their unstinting support, love and loyalty.

As we all know, however, we don't life in an ideal world....

My friend has recently split with her long-time partner and she would willingly tell you that her close girlfriends have been there for her to offer practical and emotional support far more than her sister who only lives up the road from her.

daisy99divine · 06/12/2009 22:09

Oh, ljhooray, so sorry for your loss. It is a sad time, but I think there are wise words here. Your DC will not be alone. She will have friends and support and a network when she needs it.

Poor you, it is tough dealing with the loss of family

Kitchens · 02/01/2010 18:46

This is a fear that I have for my son. He is six and we have been trying for DC2 for 5 years.

We are a small family anyway (I have younger cousins and aunts/cousins who live abroad and who we hardly ever see.

My brother is gay and will not have children, which means if we don't have any more children our son will be alone. This saddens me beyond everything. It also saddens me that my bother will never have any children because I know he would enjoy the whole experience but I know this a whole different subject. I know not all siblings get along anyway but the bond my brother and I have is special and we spend time talking about our childhood that my son may not ever get to do. Yes he has friends and will go on through life to develop strong relationships with people, but we all know at the end of the day blood is thicker than water and nothing will ever change that.

I don't expect everyone to agree with me as we all live our lives differently and are all very different people.

Original poster

ljhooray · 05/01/2010 08:58

Thanks nickytwotimes, I must admit I'm still beating myself up over whether I should have more children but I have a very strong suspicion that you can end up questioning everything when you're in grief - turns your world upside down. Interestingly, although 2 of my 3 sisters are helping with mum as well, I still feel a great degree of personal responsibility anyway - I'm certainly not discounting their help but unfortunately I have quite a difficult relationship with my mum and that's on a very personal level. Think what I'm trying to say is I agree with the posts on here that a sibling can be a help but grief is grief, horrid, raw, heartbreaking but part of our life experience.

You just realise how much you wish you could protect your little ones from any sadness or pain but that these things are part of all our lives.

However, DD had a wonderful Christmas with her aunties, uncles, grandparents, cousins, friends all visiting, playing and generally having fun. My Dad would be proud of his ickle princess

OP posts:

Original poster

ljhooray · 05/01/2010 09:08

Hi Kitchens - like you I love DD more than anything in the world and do not want her to miss out on any experience or relationship that could enrich her life. I worry about what she could be missing

However I think I'm probably what I like to call an 'overthinker' - I then immediate flip between is what if the sibling relationship didn't enrich her life and she would be happier benefiting from all the time, resources and opportunities she gets as one. She is a very happy, confident and kind little girl, but then in next breath I start thinking but she is so sociable that she might love another little person to love and play with.

As you can see, my brain gets quite the workout! I suppose the bottom line is I don't feel broody and am totally fulfilled as a mum of one. She is happy, healthy and complete blessing as we were told we may not be able to have children, so feel no desire to push my luck! But still cannot rule it out entirely for my dd.

OP posts:

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 05/01/2010 09:08

Sorry for your loss.

I have been going through a very hard time with my elderly parents for the last few years. I have lots of friends and a good support network. Or, I thought I had. At the end of the day, the only person who has a vested interest in me, and my parents, is my sister. She is the person I can call at 11 pm after a really rough day. I could not call any other person, as everybody are busy with their own lives, their children. It is unfair to expect friends to support another adult through hard and testing times. It can be too much of a burden.

We have two sons. And despite recent hardship, has decided we will ttc nr 3 this year. (The hardship over the last few years is the reason we have held off) I was trying to support my sister through the proceedings of a courtcase relating to custody of her daughter, but my son was very ill, and my sister burst out "for the first time in my life I wish I had just one more sibling".

To be totally honest, I have no idea why some people think it is a good idea to have just ONE child. I can understand not being able to have more than one, but making a conscious choice that your child shall grow up bereft of the love and support of siblings is frankly beyond me. Not least because an only may be even more reliant on their parents than others, and might find it harder to deal with the death of their parents as then they truly DO have nobody. Sorry, but that is just my opinion.

Dont disregard how you feel now as "oh I am grieveing, this too shall pass". We go through life, make new experiences, and change our minds because of them. Good Luck.

MadBadandCoveredinTinsel · 05/01/2010 20:53

.... To be totally honest, I have no idea why some people think it is a good idea to have just ONE child. I can understand not being able to have more than one, but making a conscious choice that your child shall grow up bereft of the love and support of siblings is frankly beyond me. Not least because an only may be even more reliant on their parents than others, and might find it harder to deal with the death of their parents as then they truly DO have nobody. Sorry, but that is just my opinion....

I was going to in response to this, but there are so many things here which need to be questioned.

Why do people think it a good idea to have just one child? Because that is what works for them. I am not one of them (luckily) but there are women on MN whose birth experience was so horrific that, even though they could go through it again, they have chosen not to. Why disparage their decision? Or anyone else's? We all make decisions that seem baffling to other people.

Only children bereft of the love and support of siblings? Well, obviously they don't have siblings, but they are by no means bereft of love and support. They get it from other, diverse sources. Besides, since when has having a sibling been a guarantee of love and support? It could just as well be a guarantee of rivalry, jealousy and strife. I recommend a reading of King Lear.

Only children, on the death of their parents, have nobody? Only if they have been living as a hermit and have formed no other significant relationships which (I would suggest) is on the whole less likely than it is for people with siblings, as the lack of siblings encourages only children to engage with the wider world.

I hope OP can find peace after the pain of her bereavement and can make a decision which is right for her and her family. But I also hope that - until she is sure of what she wants - she won't feel pressurised or browbeaten into having another baby by people peddling a rather retrograde notion of the family as two parents + 2.2 children.

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